bloody_trauma 2 #1 August 21, 2008 we found out that i have caregiver role strain from all the years of supporting a family on my own, with no help from the missus... also found out that my wife is quite possibly depressed... i still dont think its gonna work out between us... im tired of not getting any return on my investment... funny thing is the therapist told my wife that skydiving is a good release for me and to continue jumping, he also recommended we stay away from her parents... WORKS FOR ME!!!Fly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nightingale 0 #2 August 21, 2008 It's very difficult for someone who is depressed to see outside themselves and give you a "return". If she can get some help and get on some medication, perhaps you will see an improvement. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bloody_trauma 2 #3 August 21, 2008 depressed or not, 8 years of it is enough... Fly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nightingale 0 #4 August 21, 2008 Quote depressed or not, 8 years of it is enough... give counseling a chance and see how it goes. If you don't, you'll always wonder whether you could've worked it out. Try all your options before divorce, and it'll make the divorce go smoother, if that's the way you end up going, because you'll have talked over all the hurt feelings in counseling. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #5 August 21, 2008 Find your photo albums. Look through them and look at pics of the stuff that you did when you were happy. Life tends to pound you with stuff. Work, responsibilities, no free time, no exercise, no play. Everything becomes more important. Look at the pics and figure out what used to make you happy. Start doing that again. (That said, I'm divorced, so how good can my advice be?) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skymama 35 #6 August 21, 2008 Quotedepressed or not, 8 years of it is enough... It sounds like you've made up your mind already.She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Squeak 17 #7 August 21, 2008 I'm just amazed by the fact that you (and a few others) think this is the appropriate place to openly air your domestic laundry. Some of the more nosey voyeuristic type might think it's the correct place, but I doubt that your wife would. Dont get me wrong, i hope you are your wife find an amicable solution, I just dont think this is the best place to discuss it. Might be a cutlural thing, but it's considered very bad form in my neck of the woods.You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky) My Life ROCKS! How's yours doing? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bloody_trauma 2 #8 August 21, 2008 i'm not saying that i'm not leaning that way... i want to give her a chance... but if i do how long before everything goes back to how it is now... and then i'm back where we started... Fly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skymama 35 #9 August 21, 2008 Quotebut if i do how long before everything goes back to how it is now... and then i'm back where we started... If your wife wants to save your marriage too, then hopefully both of you will work on the behavior modification that your counselor suggests. I like happythoughts' suggestion...sit with her and go through your albums and remember why you married her in the first place. Everyone can change, they just have to want to change.She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CSpenceFLY 1 #10 August 21, 2008 Stay in your neck of the woods. He is reaching out to friends. If you have nothing to add then sit and read or don't. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Squeak 17 #11 August 21, 2008 QuoteStay in your neck of the woods. He is reaching out to friends. If you have nothing to add then sit and read or don't.that would be inconsistant with your posting habits and that of bonfire in general. If he is trying to work through the relationship, I think these posts will be counter productive. That may not be what he (or you) wants to hear, but it does actually ADD something to the thread. It add a little sensiblilty and objectivty. (somthing else also inconsistant with Bonfire threads)You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky) My Life ROCKS! How's yours doing? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bloody_trauma 2 #12 August 22, 2008 thank you for being self righteous... really helps alot... i'm just asking for your thoughts on my situation, if you don't have anything productive to add... please keep your comments to yourself... thanksFly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Squeak 17 #13 August 22, 2008 Quotethank you for being self righteous... really helps alot... i'm just asking for your thoughts on my situation, if you don't have anything productive to add... please keep your comments to yourself... thanks you got my thoughts, sorry they were not the ones you wanted to hear. There is nothing self righteous about my post, I just happen to think you are going about it the wrong way.You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky) My Life ROCKS! How's yours doing? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mnealtx 0 #14 August 22, 2008 Quotei'm just asking for your thoughts on my situation Ok...here's my thoughts: Looking at your other posts on this, it seems to me like you're going into the counseling and your relationship problems already convinced that it's going to fail.Mike I love you, Shannon and Jim. POPS 9708 , SCR 14706 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #15 August 22, 2008 QuoteQuotethank you for being self righteous... really helps alot... i'm just asking for your thoughts on my situation, if you don't have anything productive to add... please keep your comments to yourself... thanks you got my thoughts, sorry they were not the ones you wanted to hear. There is nothing self righteous about my post, I just happen to think you are going about it the wrong way. My take on this - if his wife was also a member on this site, then yeah, it wouldn't be a good idea to air his dirty laundry where she can read it. We've seen what happens when couples or exes air their crap on here. Bloody_trauma's wife, as far as I know, has no connection to this site, and he is looking for support from his friends here. Hell, I'll be married 8 years this October myself, and it hasn't been a picnic by any stretch, but we love each other and we still keep working at it. Yeah she does suffer from depression (runs in the family) and sometimes I get tired of it, but as long as she and I are communicating, we can make something positive out of it and just keep trying. Marriage is hard work and hard work is necessary to make it work, but yeah, it helps when it's a two-way street. Hang in there. Try and find out what's bothering her."Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mdrejhon 8 #16 August 22, 2008 Going to a counsellor together I think is a good thing. Some people don't respond well to counselling, but others respond amazingly well and saves a marriage or long-term multiyear relationship. I have personal experience with both extremes (separate SO's). Still with the same better half, we responded very well to counselling sessions, especially when it was temporarily ramped up to a weekly basis during crisis time... Ponying up the extra funds for weekly sessions (instead of twice a month or just monthly) sometimes helps -- some people respond MUCH better to weekly, while others are fine with just once a month, etc. If there's a prolonged period of difficulty, schedule the sessions en-masse (so you know when your next 3 sessions are this month). It makes some (but not all) people more comfortable to talk and work on things without being nervous or difficult about it, knowing that a pre-scheduled counsellor session is already set up, to help moderate things and balance things out. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ghost47 18 #17 August 22, 2008 Quotewe found out that i have caregiver role strain from all the years of supporting a family on my own, with no help from the missus... also found out that my wife is quite possibly depressed... i still dont think its gonna work out between us... im tired of not getting any return on my investment... Failure is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand, optimism doesn't always pan out. I think what might be helpful is to commit to some sort of time period in which you're just going to try really hard to work things out along the lines that the therapist will outline for y'all (and really do what the therapist suggests, even if it sounds like it shouldn't make any difference how you phrase certain things or whatever). Something like 6 months or a year or something. During that time, try your damnedest. If, after that, it's still not working, you'll have given it your best shot, and can move on. But who knows, maybe it'll work out. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LisaH 0 #18 August 22, 2008 Aren't you the slightest bit concerned that your wife, family or friends will see that you've put your personal business out for the public to view? Counseling is a good thing. I hope things work out for you, whichever way they may go. Be yourself! MooOOooOoo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bloody_trauma 2 #19 August 22, 2008 i have nothing to hide from her... these are things that she already knows... the onus isn't on me to make this work... god knows i've tried to get her to do for herself...Fly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LisaH 0 #20 August 22, 2008 Quote i have nothing to hide from her... these are things that she already knows... the onus isn't on me to make this work... god knows i've tried to get her to do for herself... Perhaps. But you've put them out in the open for everyone to see. Maybe you should get a journal and write in it. Express everything in there that you are here. Be yourself! MooOOooOoo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
galvar2439 0 #21 August 22, 2008 Quote depressed or not, 8 years of it is enough... Dude, I have been down that road, it will take her a very long time to get this under control if ever, even with medication. good luck, but start moving money to another account just in case.So i just broke up with this woman who wasn't even my girlfriend! Hellfish #782, POPS #10664 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bloody_trauma 2 #22 August 22, 2008 Quote Maybe you should get a journal and write in it. Express everything in there that you are here. good ideaFly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nightingale 0 #23 August 22, 2008 Quotei have nothing to hide from her... these are things that she already knows... the onus isn't on me to make this work... god knows i've tried to get her to do for herself... The onus is on BOTH of you to make it work. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mdrejhon 8 #24 August 22, 2008 QuoteThe onus is on BOTH of you to make it work.True -- even if more work is needed by one or the other, you both still need to breathe the fresh air of it being "us", "both", "teamwork" -- makes both parties feel better. No finger pointing, no blaming, just "us", "both", "teamwork" and mutually inclusive stuff. One technique of many, that works well with the right objective/balanced minded consellor is alternating seeing counsellor alone and together. Four sessions in one month: together, then you alone, then her alone, then together. Repeat every month. It's possible both may be equally balanced in issues, however this even works even if only one of you need the counsellor more than the other: The one who has less difficulties still has to be able to vent and discuss about coping with the other persons' difficulties. It also, in a way, gives a morale boost to the more depressed person that you're also seeing a counsellor too (even if for different reasons). So no matter which one of you has more problems than the other, such balanced methods is a classic wifesaver for some -- it may not work for everyone, but you should be aware that this kind of approach has the potential to work wonderfully in some cases. During "together" sessions, mostly talk about the "us", "both", "teamwork" issues with some fair balanced talk on individual issues. The "me", 'you" or "the other" issues can be mostly talked about during the individual solo sessions, gives the opportunity to privately vent without inflaming the other and come up with constructive solutions too. This is especially helpful if you have stuff you are too ashamed/afraid/private/nervous to talk to anybody about, or have built-up stuff to vent that you want to vent more bluntly alone to make it later easier to express the same thing with genuine sensitively to wife/hubby in front of counsellor... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bloody_trauma 2 #25 August 22, 2008 thanks for all your words of encouragement and even those that werent so helpful... I'm dealing with this in my own way... I'm not revisiting this thread. Fly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
