Post your funniest/corniest/worst jokes & one-liners!

[freefal 0]

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and one to suck my d!ck.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2... but the real question is how did they get in there in the first place?

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
... Wanna go ride bikes?

How can you tell if your girlfriend is horny?
You stick your hand down her pants and it feels like your feeding a horse.

How do you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
If you sit down before the other guy gets off.


Little Johnny catches his dad working alone in the garage and asks him, "Dad, what does a vagina look like? His dad is a little surprised by such a question from his young son and he's not sure how much his little boy knows about the birds and the bees, so he replies, "Well, do you mean before sex or after?"

Little Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says, "I guess before."

"Well," says his father, "It's like a beautiful soft pink rose with the petals just barely open and a light coat of morning dew."

"Oh." says Little Johnny. Looking a bit confused he asks... "Well what about after?"

His father replies quickly, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?"

"Ignorance is bliss" and "Patience is a virtue"... So if you're stupid and don't mind waiting around for a while, I guess you can have a pretty good life!

[LadiDadi 0]

What has nine arms and sucks?



























Def Leppard.

If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll be happy to do it for you.
****************************
Be like the cupcake and suck it up.

[JT3P 0]

Quote

Quote

What do you say to woman with two black eyes?






Nothing, you done told her twice!

Man. I got a bunch of NASTY PMs when I posted that joke awhile back. Good luck.

Checked my PM's....so far, so good.

[airtwardo 6]

If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[freefal 0]

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half of a cat.

"Ignorance is bliss" and "Patience is a virtue"... So if you're stupid and don't mind waiting around for a while, I guess you can have a pretty good life!

[freefal 0]

ok, so maybe some of the jokes I posted are a little more on the "tasteless" side, so here's a clean one...

Two guys walk into a bar.



The third one ducks.

"Ignorance is bliss" and "Patience is a virtue"... So if you're stupid and don't mind waiting around for a while, I guess you can have a pretty good life!

[Conundrum 1]

Quote

Quote

What do you say to woman with two black eyes?






Nothing, you done told her twice!

Man. I got a bunch of NASTY PMs when I posted that joke awhile back. Good luck.

That's because there are a lot of uptight people here.

[happythoughts 0]

Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'John, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go, John.'




But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, 'John you're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard.'

[popsjumper 2]

Quote

If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?

You can be 8 miles off.
Durham (Duke) - Chapel Hill (UNC)

I hope that wasn't you.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[npgraphicdesign 2]

Quote

ok, so maybe some of the jokes I posted are a little more on the "tasteless" side, so here's a clean one...

Two guys walk into a bar.



The third one ducks.

Don't know if it's clean or not, but it's certainly bad enough... And besides you screwed up the order. So to follow up...

One guy walks into a bar. Ouch.
Two guys walk into a bar. Third one ducks.
Three guys walk into a bar. At least one of them could've seen it...

[packing_jarrett 0]

4 gay guys walk into a bar. There's one stool left. How do they all sit down?


They flip the stool upside down

Na' Cho' Cheese

[phildthedildo 0]

ok, ever hear of Alexander Graham Kowalski? he was the first telephone pole.....
scientists in florida discovered that by feed ing dolphins a certain species of seagull,that the dolphins will live forever. this specifcic seagull is only found in georgia. one day while driving a truck load of seagulls to their facility in florida, the scientists were arrested.the charge was transporting gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises

[airtwardo 6]

Ted Nugent had a great one liner...when asked by a journalist what would be heard if his album were played backwards, Ted replied: If ya did it on MY stereo, GUNSHOTS!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[airtwardo 6]

Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball?
Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so.
Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball blew away the best hitters.
His 90 MPH curve ball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike.

His change up made the best hitters in the league cry -- they would swing, drop the bat, and stare incredulously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt.

He was indeed awesome!

Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame?

Why haven't you ever heard of him?

Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was demon alcohol.

Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until The Braves and the Yankees were in the World Series!

Excitement reigned!

The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game.

The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He sneaked out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer.

As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good.

But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him.

Eight straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series.

After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me," he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"?

In unison they replied, ...


"It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[lawrocket 3]

Quote

Two condoms standing outside a gay bar.

One looks to the other and says, "feel like going in and getting shit-faced?"

Q: Why did the condom hit the wall?
A: It was pissed off.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[EvilEagle 0]

The was once an explorer in the deepest darkest jungle of Africa. He happened upon a snake in a clearing. The snake says "Oh buddy, you can't be here." After getting over the fact there was a talking snake, the explorer asks why he couldn't be there. The snake explains that he's guarding The Lever of Life -- if the lever was thrown, the whole world would cease to exist as we know it.

The explorer thought this was amazing! In no time, he had gotten the word out to the whole world about this snake who'd been keeping the world safe. The snake was an overnight celebrity, was invited to talkshows and places all around the world. The snake was finally getting to go back to guarding the lever and as he approached the clearing, he heard a great noise moving towards the lever. He jumped in front of a huge bulldozer screaming "No! Stop!!!" The bulldozer didn't hit the lever, but crushed and killed the snake.

Moral of the story: Better snake than lever.

[ChibiKuma 0]

5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

TPM #131
People are just as the stars....there are bright ones and there are those that are dim.

[freefal 0]

What's a pick up line you could use in a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in?


What do gay horses eat?

Haaaaaaayyyy!

"Ignorance is bliss" and "Patience is a virtue"... So if you're stupid and don't mind waiting around for a while, I guess you can have a pretty good life!

[freefal 0]

Ok, one more not-so-straight one..

How can you tell if a guy is queer?



His dick tastes like shit.

"Ignorance is bliss" and "Patience is a virtue"... So if you're stupid and don't mind waiting around for a while, I guess you can have a pretty good life!

[iopenhi 0]

So... a termite walks into the bar and asks "Hey, is the bartender here?"




(bar tender)

You can't make chicken salad out of chicken manure.

[iopenhi 0]

Did ya hear about the gay termite?



He only ate mail boxes.

You can't make chicken salad out of chicken manure.

[No_Phear 0]

Let's see who I can offend with this one...


On the front of the trousers of an enlisted set of Dress blues, is a large 13 button flap, it folds down from the waist. You know what its called?









I don't call it anything, but Marines call it a dinner plate.

Tact is not my specialty.....

Dirty Sanchez #453

[No_Phear 0]

Since you did ask for corniest and worst, how about a few 'Yo mama' jokes?

We'll start with: Yo mama's so Stupid....

she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned.
I asked her do tricks for me and she wagged her tail.
she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
she asked me what yield meant. I said "Slow down" and she said "What... does.... yield... mean?"
she broke her neck at a flashing red light.
she put a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call.
she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.
she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behind it.
she thought Grape Nuts was an STD.
she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on the other side.
she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
she took a knife to a drive-by shooting.
she failed a survey.
she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she asked if I had anything written by Bart.
she gave birth to you.
she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building, but she got lost on the way down.
she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window.
she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit.
she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."
she thought brownie points were coupons for a bake sale.
when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.
she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Tact is not my specialty.....

Dirty Sanchez #453

[gonzalesna 0]

Quote

Let's see who I can offend with this one...


On the front of the trousers of an enlisted set of Dress blues, is a large 13 button flap, it folds down from the waist. You know what its called?









I don't call it anything, but Marines call it a dinner plate.

Actually, it's the navy that wear those.

Our dress blues look like normal slacks

Some people refrain from beating a dead horse. Personally, I find a myriad of entertainment value when beating it until it becomes a horse-smoothie.

[pyrodude 0]

The 4th grade teacher decided to let her students talk about their fathers one day. "I want you each to tell about your father and what he does."

Little Mary's hand goes up, and she says, "My Daddy is a fireman and he saves people's lives!"

Little Johnny waves his hand and brags, "My Daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail!"

This goes student by student around the room until it is now quiet. The teacher notices that every child has spoken except for Walter in the back of the room. "Walter," she says, "we've heard about everyone's father except yours."

"He's dead," Walter replies. The teacher says, "I'm so sorry to bring up such a painful subject for you! But can you tell us what he did before he died?"
Walter answered, "He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet!"