shah269 0 #1 December 23, 2011 It's that time of year again, not quite the end but boy does it sure feel like it should be. That time of year which seems to begin sooner and sooner every year. In fact as of next year, if we all survive, people will be "getting ready" in mid to late August. Yeah it's that time of year when we all gather and celebrate the little things in life such as friends, family and lighting systems so powerful that they could be used at international airports to quid in jumbo jets carrying designer foot ware from the far East. For there is nothing more festive than your neighbor using a cherry picker to install sufficient lights on his house to burn out your retinas and to melt the plastic off of your American car, that was made in Korea next to the same assembly line that makes designer socks that look like gloves. Lights so majestic and so bright and which blink so fast and so erratically that passersby to fall to the ground in praise or perhaps convulsions caused by epileptic seizures induced by aforementioned high frequency flickering of said lights. And let's us not forget about the joy of gift giving. Which really isn't joy rather a total collapse from exhaustion. Nothing like waking up at 3am after consuming enough Turkey to kill a medium sized African lion and standing in line outside of your local Wally World, foaming at the mouth and suffering from mind to moderate frost bite just so you can buy that person you didn't even know you are related to high end designer shoes that have individual spaces for your individual toes, which you didn't even existed. Until, Regis had declared on his show how everyone should have one, while standing next to that interchangeable cute looking girl who has no discernable talents other than having teeth so white that they are often confused for spot lights! And that this THIS PICE De RESISTANCE was the GIFT OF THE YEAR and that you had to buy it for those you loved or at least thought you did. And as the doors open to Wally World at 3am and old ladies grab their walkers and start engaging in gladiatorial combat to the death for the last pair of those designer pink socks that look like gloves for your feet. You crawl your way into the very last isle at the very back of the store, to find that the shoe is only available in one size fit for Big Foot and only available for people with two left feet. Thus triumphantly you exit, bruised, bloodied, clothes ripped, one shoe missing but holding your pair of size 24.5 designer shoes in one hand and some old ladies cane in the other only to find out that you left your lights on in the car and need to call AAA to get a jump. But let us not forget the tree! Oh yes the tree! Or more commonly called the Honica Bush, the Cuanza Fern or to our more earthy unshaven granola eating year around sandal wearing living in their moms basement friends, The carbon credit. Yes the prestigious conifer! It use to be that obtaining a one involved 15 months of preparing, a year of training, a small gaggle of Sherpa's and iron determination to brave the wilds of the local tree farm to cut down a tree more suited for Rockefeller Center than your living room using a homemade ax. Then dragging it back to your car, all the while fending off attacks from all kinds of woodland creatures that used that tree for shelter and now were out for blood because you like Bank of America were accidentally reprocessing their beloved home. Those good old days are gone! Now you just get into your half melted minivan, drive to your local Christmas tree market located outside of your local Wally World and ask a three toothed woman who moonlights as an engineer what tree she would recommend for your home and are all those cats are really hers? What once was a great symbol of the season by the ancient Zoroastrians which was later confused by the Europeans as a symbol of birth is now being carried on the oddly well built shoulders of a woman who you are not sure is really a woman due to the facial hair and Addams apple and is then thrown on top of your minivan and tied down in such a manner that you have to climb through the back windows to get in or out. Yet all is well for you are proud of your profound conifer flashing gang signs to your homies in their minivans taking home their Honica Bush or their Cuanza Ferns back to their homes all the while thinking how bad is tree sap for my cars paint. Never the less, all is well for you are proud that you have again a proud owner of a conifer which by the time you have reached the very first stop light has lost 90% of its once mighty braches. Yet you don't notice for you are trying to ignore the 4 pigmy cannibals you call your kids, screaming and engaging in knife fights with chipmunks which still insist you bring their home back for they have proof that they paid their mortgage on time! But it's not about the lights which can be seen by distant civilizations across the cosmos or the tree which stands proudly and dangerously close to the fireplace or the designer shoes which seem fit for no one or the trophy walker you took from that old lady you killed as you ran into Wally World. This is the time of year furthest away from the next Christmas. And the next time that SOB Regis declares that he knows what the "it" gift is, you are going to grab whatever cute little woman he has on his show by the ankles and beat that bastard to death and feed his remains to those pissed off chipmunks that are now have occupied your driveway and demand your resignation.Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NWFlyer 2 #2 December 23, 2011 TL; DR. "There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #3 December 23, 2011 Quote TL; DR. TL? DR? Well just wanted to say thank you all for not only being supportive in my darker days but also laughing along with some of my very dumb jokes. And I couldn't get you all a gift so i wrote a little satirical story. I'm very glad and lucky to have stumbled not only on a great hobby but on a very vibrant and amazing group of individuals. And for that on this Christmas I am grateful! So watch out for those crazed old ladies and don't spend too much money on those designer socks and remember what all this is about. Being close to friends and family and spending time with those who mean the most to you. From Shah Happy Christmas!Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #4 December 23, 2011 Marry Christmas to you! Hope the New Year is good to you and looking forward to more of your posts! Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #5 December 23, 2011 This is the time of year when Satan gets letters from the dyslexic children all around the world. Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nanook 1 #6 December 23, 2011 I miss Dr. Shah posts. Happy Holidays!!_____________________________ "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wildcard451 0 #7 December 23, 2011 Quote TL; DR. QFT Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
theonlyski 3 #8 December 23, 2011 Quote Quote TL; DR. TL? DR? Too long, didn't read. +1"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890 I'm an asshole, and I approve this message Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The_Don 0 #9 December 23, 2011 Yep.I am NOT being loud. I'm being enthusiastic! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMitchell 14 #10 December 23, 2011 Quote This is the time of year when Satan gets letters from the dyslexic children all around the world. That's who took the baby Jesus out of Christmas . . . Santa. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWHOIowtzXA Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #11 December 27, 2011 Glad you guys liked it and perhaps a few even read it outloud over Xmass dinner. I use to have many more of these for all the major holidays. The one for Pass Over was the best! And the one for Ramadan was almost down right offensive....but nothing made the kids laugh and the old ladis pass out like the one I wrote about Easter.....seriously Jesus dies on the corss after some chineese food and a rabit poops out chocolate eggs?Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMitchell 14 #12 December 27, 2011 Quote TL? DR? Too long, didn't read. Oh, I thought it was "too lame, didn't read." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
normiss 622 #13 December 27, 2011 Well it was. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #14 December 27, 2011 Quote Well it was. So you got a good one for the day after new years?Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
theonlyski 3 #15 December 27, 2011 Quote Quote TL? DR? Too long, didn't read. Oh, I thought it was "too lame, didn't read."If I didn't read it, how could I say it was too lame? "I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890 I'm an asshole, and I approve this message Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydiverbry 0 #16 December 27, 2011 I was able to get through two paragraphsBry -------------------------------------------------- Growing old is mandatory.Growing up is optional!! D.S.#13(Dudeist Skdiver) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMitchell 14 #17 December 28, 2011 Quote So you got a good one for the day after new years? I'm not sure what you're getting at, but I expect to have a great time in my life next year; good friends, great family, loving wife, a few fun trips planned and a few bucks in my pocket to spend. And the person who sold me my tree appeared to have all their teeth. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Squeak 17 #18 December 28, 2011 Quote Quote So you got a good one for the day after new years? I'm not sure what you're getting at, but I expect to have a great time in my life next year; good friends, great family, loving wife, a few fun trips planned and a few bucks in my pocket to spend. And the person who sold me my tree appeared to have all their teeth. The highlight of your 2012 will occur between Jan 6th and 10th You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky) My Life ROCKS! How's yours doing? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMitchell 14 #19 December 28, 2011 Quote The highlight of your 2012 will occur between Jan 6th and 10th \ Wish you were here this Friday. Zeke, Supersuckers and Reverend Horton Heat are playing a show downtown. It's gonna be a punkabilly feast. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #20 December 28, 2011 Quote And the person who sold me my tree appeared to have all their teeth. Well...I got those shoes! Yeah the ones with a spot for each toe....yeah got them...rocking them in the office now! Thanks to Regis I know how the joy of toe shoes! Guys if you took that satirical story seriously....wow! I have this bridge I would like to sell you! And maybe I won't upload my annual story about JC and his spring date with a Playboy Bunny that went bad!Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
