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(edited)

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

"Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

Edited by mr.paul
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2 hours ago, mr.paul said:

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

"Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

How'd the Farmer find his wife?

 

He Tractor Down!

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A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical 
students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends."

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An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked her what is wrong. As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"

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 A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts  
the  alligator up on the bar.He turns to the astonished patrons.  
"I'll make
you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my privates   
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. "Then open
his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing  
this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.The man stood up on the bar,  
dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the
alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd  
gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth  
and  the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100  who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a  while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A truly gorgeous Blonde gal timidly spoke up ........."I'll try It!  Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day  long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.  The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a  while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:   "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner  to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And  you're single. Just let it go, Dave."   But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to  reality, whispering:     Dave...............................         Dave......................           Dave...........     You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard". 

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A blonde and brunette were walking past a flower shop. The brunette saw her boyfriend inside buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Now he will expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

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>Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher
> > > says, 'Today we are
> > > >>>going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does
> > > anybody have an
> > > >>>example of a
> > > >>>  multi-syllable word?'
> > > >>>Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers,
> > > me, me!'
> > > >>>Miss Rogers: All right, little Johnny, what is
> > > your multi-syllable
> > > >>>word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss
> > > Rogers smiles and
> > > >>>says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
> > > Little Johnny says,
> > > >>>'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

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A guy walks up to the bartender and says “Give me 20 shots of whiskey!”

As quick as the bartender can get them poured, the guy drinks them down. 

The bartender asks the man why he’s in such a hurry. 

The man replied “You’d be in a hurry too, if you had what I have.”

The bartender asks “What do you have?”

The guy replies “75 cents.”

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Little Johnny came running into the house and
> > > asked, "Mommy, can
> > > >>>little
> > > >>>  girls have babies?"
> > > >>>"No," said his Mom, "of course not."
> > > >>>Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom
> > > heard him yell to
> > > >>>his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game
> > > again!"

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>>>LITTLE JOHNNY ON SEX
> > > >>>
> > > >>>Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one
> > > day only to catch
> > > >>>him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a
> > > condom onto his penis
> > > >>>in preparation of sex  with his wife.  Johnny's
> > > father in attempt to
> > > >>>hide his full erection with a condom on it bent
> > > over as if to look
> > > >>>under the bed.
> > > >>>
> > > >>>Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"
> > > >>>
> > > >>>His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a
> > > rat go underneath the
> > > >>>bed."
> > > >>>
> > > >>>To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do,
> > > fuck him?"

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>>> > > THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
>>> > > +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>>> > >
>>> > > Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
>>> > > Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
>>> > > Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
>>> > > Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
>>> > > Ugly: You're in them
>>> > >
>>> > > Good: Your husband understands fashion
>>> > > Bad: He's a cross-dresser
>>> > > Ugly: He looks better than you
>>> > >
>>> > > Good: Your son's finally maturing
>>> > > Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
>>> > > Ugly: So are you
>>> > >
>>> > > Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
>>> > > Bad: She keeps interrupting
>>> > > Ugly: With corrections
>>> > >
>>> > > Good: Your wife's not talking to you
>>> > > Bad: She wants a divorce
>>> > > Ugly: She's a lawyer
>>> > >
>>> > > Good: The postman's early
>>> > > Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
>>> > > Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
>>> > >
>>> > > Good: Your daughter got a new job
>>> > > Bad: As a hooker
>>> > > Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
>>> > > Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
>>> > >
>>> > > Good: You're son is dating someone new
>>> > > Bad: It's another man
>>> > > Ugly: He's you're best friend
>>> > >
>>> > > Good: You're wife is pregnant.
>>> > > Bad: It's triplets
>>> > > Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

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> > > A woman was helping her husband set up his
> > computer, and at the
> > > appropriate point in the process, the computer
> > advised him that he would
> > > now, need to enter a password. Something he will
> > use to log on.
> > > 
> > > 
> > > The husband was in a rather amorous mood and
> > figured he would try for
> > > the shock effect to bring this to his wife's
> > attention.
> > > 
> > > 
> > > So, when the computer asked him to enter his
> > password, he made it
> > > plainly obvious to his wife, what he was
> > entering by stating each letter
> > > out loud as he typed :
> > > 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > P... E... N... I... S.
> > > 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > His wife fell off her chair laughing when the
> > computer replied:
> > > 
> > > 
> > > *** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

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(edited)

Akito in history class....


The teacher said...Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.
"Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961.

"The teacher snapped at her class! "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She hears a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945"

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, *"Damn, we’re screwed."
Little Akio said quietly, "Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016."

Edited by mr.paul
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