Divalent

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bash the casket into the door frame. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the woman inside still alive! She leaps out and performs a little jig. Everyone is in shock, including her husband. She went on to live another ten years before eventually keeling over. Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers were carrying out the casket. As they are heading toward the door of the church, the husband of the deceased rushes forward and shouts, "WATCH THE DOOR FRAME!"

Well, one factor is that base containers don't have a reserve that the jumper might deploy after a main mal and cutaway. So for BASE, no need to have an altitude buffer in the main deployment altitude to allow a reserve to subsequently be used. Whereas for skydiving, you do.

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, "Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?" "Well, in plain English," says the doctor, "you’re just lazy." The man nods. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us. "Who would you pick to portray you?" I asked her. She thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Angelina Jolie". "In that case," I said, "I'll play myself."

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.” She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.” Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

After 2 years of dating, my girlfriend and I decided to get married. My girlfiend is a dream, and my parents and all my my friends said it’s a great idea. But there is something that bothers me: her 20 year old little sister, my future sister-in-law. She definitely is hot, always wearing super skinny mini skirts and short blouses. And it always seemed like she was putting on a show for me, leaning over in a way that was easy for me to glance up her skirt. (She never did that in front of someone else.) One day she called and asked me to stop by to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I will be married, and that she has had feelings for me for a long time and that she thinks she can’t overcome them. She said she desperately wants to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister. I was shocked and couldn't say a word. She said she is going up to her bedroom, asked if I wanted to go up with her. I froze and looked at her as she was going up the stairs. Half way up she took off her panties and tossed them to me. I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door. I opened it and I went to my car. My future father-in-law was standing by my car, and with tears in his eyes he hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!" And so the moral of the story is this: always keep your condoms in your car.

Hmm, jumping out of the side door of a 727 seems like you'd run a pretty good chance (certainty?) of being sucked into the side engine. I wouldn't risk it, even for $200K.

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence!" said the woman next to him, "I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence!" the woman said. "For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence!" she said.

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

My wife just nudged me and said, "you weren't even listening, were you?". I thought, 'that's a strange way to start a conversation'.

A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?", his buddy asked. "Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump." "What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned. "Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!" "Did you jump?" "Well, a little at first."

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar late one night. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud guy. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney says "He said...Go to hell! And you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A woman gets cheated by on by her husband. Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life but then she hears that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and she decides to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top of the mountain and meets the wise monk, telling him, “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me for a younger woman. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”. The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks her, “Is the cookie delicious?” “Yes,” she replies. “Do you want another one?” “Sure, please.” The monk looks her in the eyes and says, “Do you see the problem now?” The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that.” The monk shakes his head, “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.”

Where ever you end up, doing hop n pops are probably good for prepping for base jumping, and with the advantage that you will be back in the hanger 7-10 minutes before the rest of the load (so quicker turn around for you). If they are running just one plane, you will likely have the LZ to yourself, so a bit more freedom to target practice your landings.

I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn’t like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian’s. She didn’t like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn’t. I drank it. I thought maybe she’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar’s finest scotch. She wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn’t like to drink, I was so drunk I could hardly push her stroller back home!

A guy arrives home at seven o’clock in the morning, stinking of whiskey, to find his angry wife waiting for him. She shouts at him, “You’d better have a darn good reason for coming home at this time in the morning.” “Of course I do,” replies the guy. “Well then, what is it?” asks his wife. “Breakfast!”

A woman asks a man, “Do you drink beer?” Man: Yeah. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3. Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00, including the tip. Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct? Man: Correct. Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Yeah, that's probably about right. Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: What color is your Ferrari?

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.” “Well I’ll be darned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologized. “I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink. The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The three CEOS then ask him, why aren’t you ordering a Guinness? He replies: “If you guys aren’t drinking beer than neither will I.”

A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a prostitute stopped him and said, "Hey father, $20 for a blow job." The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the prostitute. When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions. The young priest said, "I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a blow job?" And the old nun says, "Twenty bucks, same price as on the street."

A little old man who’s hard of hearing goes to see the doctor. As he can’t hear very well, he takes his wife with him. The doctor examines the man, and then says, “Hmm, I think we need to take a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.” The old man turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?” The wife replies, “He said he wants your underwear.”