It's quiet...TOO quiet.

[Jessica 0]

I'm so bored. Someone say something interesting.

[skreamer 1]

If you kiss your granny good-bye and she tries to slip you the tongue, is that a bad thing? (just checking of course, I haven't snogged my granny - yet)
/s

[Jessica 0]

That is disturbing, but interesting.
I need more. I am bored to tears and they are ruining my keyboard.
The word "snogging" sounds dirty.

[PalmettoTiger 1]

Well this one time, at band camp...
Blues, squares,
PTiger

[cloud9 0]

Things you will never hear a Redneck Good ole Boy Say
1. Oh I just couldn't, she's only 16
2. Duct tape won't fix that.
3. Come to think of it I'll have a Martini.
4. Has anyone seen the sideburns trimmer?
5. Do you think my gut is to big?
6. Who gives a damn who won the civil war.
7. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
8. Check mate.
9. My fiance Bobby Jo is resistered at Tiffany's
10. She's to young to wear that bikini
11. Hey heres an episode of Hew Haw we aint seen.
12. Those shorts ought to be a little longer Darlin
13. I got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
and my favorite!
No, no more for me I'm drivin.
Some fun eh!

[Slowfaller 0]

Alright Jessica, I'll go ahead and ramble about an amazing weekend I just had!! Saturday at sunset my DZ was holding a Graduation Ceromony/party for the 2001 AFP grads. I had planned on going to jump on Saturday but the winds were way too high to jump so i was just chillin' around my house. 6:30 came along and i thought i better get my ass to the DZ.
Once i arrived i went up to the " VIP loung/bar " and they had some miller high life for free so i went to get a cup; " you got an ID? "
what an ID? crap looks like i'm not drinking. Saw one of my friends and he said he was going on a beer run so i threw him a 5 spot and off they went
The graduation was cool, about 70 people watched as me and 5 others received are diploma and had our picture taken. ( look in one of the upcomming parachutist for me ) the rest of the night was a drunkin' good time and then i went to sleep.
On sunday morning i woke up bright and early to the rain pounding down on the trailer. After laying w/ my eyes open for a while i made my way to the hanger and by then the rain had stopped. Ploppled down on the couch and started dozing off. Roger asked me if i wanted to get on the load w/ him and a few others. I could get ready in 5 minutes so i said sure, ran around, got a rig, manifested, and walked over to where roger and 6 others were standing. An 8 way?!? ive never done a 3 way and im getting my self into an 8 way. the jump was awesome i did 2 points and hung out while everyone tracked away and pulled. landed right in the middle of the runwayBEER.
Next was a five way spider and that was fun, but i spent the whole jump chasing the base around and never docked, came close but reached and fell into a burble. Great DOWNWIND landing and made a 10ft long slide mark in the mud. ( not my jump suite )
the next 5 way was going to be a round and then we do 360's and then round etc.... the exit flipped all of us on our backs but my eyes lit up as i swooped in for the most beeeyoutiifulll dock ive ever donethe end to this weekend was a long drive home and a good night sleep
blue skies, cold beer
chris

[Greg 0]

Disclaimer....nothing personal, just making conversation
This should make some noise.......FLAME ON!!!
NEW MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman =romance
Smart man + dumb woman = fair
Dumb man + smart woman =marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman =pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee =profit
Smart boss + dumb employee =production
Dumb boss + smart employee =promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee =overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Boy, its gonna get hot.........

[Greg 0]

I think Im gonna go find rec. skydiving now!!

[Greg 0]

Please note...these are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse
to answer.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down.
1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you
do not want to hear.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and race cars.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really!!
1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries
on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Check your oil. Please.
1. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissiblein an argument. Infact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done
not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at. More women should wear
Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends like
THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the
closet, attic, basement or worse, the garbage.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

[PalmettoTiger 1]

PREACH ON, BROTHER!!
Can I get an AMEN? I said, can a man get an AMEN!?
Blues, squares,
PTiger

[DrunkMonkey 0]

AMEN!

[freeflyer49 0]

If you have a fast connection (DSL, T1 cable) check this out...There are some SICK videos on this server...
ftp://129.2.229.250/

[skreamer 1]

OK Greg here's something you might like :
Taking a dump : women vs. men
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Woman:
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than
your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused
whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on
the pan by your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubic
hair off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your
hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other
people may have sat in the toilet since it was last
bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent
splash-back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still
prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the
risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids (chocolate hostages), but strain to
avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is
made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several
times to positively guarantee that no residue will
touch bare skin (about five or six applications per
roll).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not
look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It
may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to
find some more rolls to pass through the door while
promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments.
It is traditional to do this while he is trying to
watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant
soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately
half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your
boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door
firmly behind you.
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Man:
1. Select reading material (can be anything except a
porn-mag; tried by every man once, but never repeated
- see step 4).
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a
dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially
when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit
down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably
without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is
quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket
up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to
be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles
set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any
irregularities to report to friends and
girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any
visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people
about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must
look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any
evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan,
under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due
course, it will come away by itself. Or when your
girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on
the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is
important to a man's self-esteem that other people
smell his produce.

/s

[wingnut 0]

god help you skreamer if you are married or ever are!!!!!!.....funny as hell though....................

"if dreams are like movies, then memories are like films about ghosts"-counting crows

[skreamer 1]

OK, wingi here's another one
Taking a shower : chicks vs. blokes
How to Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or
natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed
flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out
belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with
83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo
with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner
with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15
minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten
minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes
to make sure that it's all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area
but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water
loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack
with nails and or tweezers (if you can find them).
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head.
If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then
rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting
dressed.
How to Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them
in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at
her while shouting "Way Hey!!"
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly
physique.
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and
smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.
Wash face.
Wash armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.
Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain
to see self in mirror.
Piss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water
on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole
shower time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size
of knob again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass
wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and
thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes.
hee hee, how true, I've been doing the Mohican thing in the shower my whole life and I still get a kick out of it
/s

[SkySlut 0]

Strange Facts
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."
9. On some Canadian two-dollar bills, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. Try it.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
-Slut
"I'll jump anything!"

[PLFKING 3]

Skreamer --
Well, I just laughed my ass off, and it's sitting under my chair.........
You are one sick son-of-a- b**** !!
The PLF Regent

[Greg 0]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Skreamer, that is kick arse!!! Damn, how freakin TRUE!! Bwwwwaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

[froggie 0]

Quote

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.

well, after 2 dinners last night, and an odd breakfast this morning, there are now 2 less chickens and 1 less cow. :)
froggie

[Greg 0]

OK Skreamer, here is one for you:
Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.
6 Wind up window.
7 Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to cash machine.
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3 Re-start the stalled engine.
4 Wind down the window.
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
9 Insert card.
10 Insert card the right way up.
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required.
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror.
16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19 Re-check make-up again.
20 Drive forwards 2 meters.
21 Reverse back to cash machine.
22 Retrieve card.
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
24 Re-check make-up.
25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
26 Drive for 3 to 4 miles.
27 Release hand brake.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

[skreamer 1]

ROTFLMFAOPIMP
*tears*
I just read that out to Ushma, my co-worker sitting next to me, and she wacked me with her wristpad, mousepad and everything else in reach - so true so true!
Time to take the tone down a notch. Greg, I have an Australian flatmate who is ,to put it mildly, a little on the rough side. He grew up on a farm in Queensland, one of 4 brothers no sisters - he is probably the closest thing to a modern day savage I have yet met (funny guy though). Anyway his expression for getting a shag, lucky, laid etc. is 'he rode the pig-skin bus to tuna town'!!! Man, apart from being a disgusting slob (read Australian) sometimes he really cracks me up.
/s

[Divadiver 0]

Shit: Through the eyes of the Military
*An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his
back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and
says, "This is shit!"
*An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack
on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane
and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"
*A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon
in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a
swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions,
says with a grin, "This really is great shit."
*A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a
swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands
after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming
12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp,
then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp,
says, "I love this shit."
*The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted
office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"
Divadiver

[Greg 0]

Good one Diva, here is a "military one" for you:
Who's at fault?
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an Army Warrant officer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, it makes no sense to me; and the fact is, I am still lost." The man below responded, "You must be an Army Colonel." "I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[wingnut 0]

diva,
i'd just like to tell you....my e-mail is not out.....it works just fine...my cable tv on the otherhand has been reduced to only 14 chanels. that's a great joke...sadly true!.......did anybody know 3% of all u.s. mail gets lost. it's true i tell ya it has to be i read it on the internet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"if dreams are like movies, then memories are like films about ghosts"-counting crows

[Divadiver 0]

Wingie Babe (you are such a Babe - you young thing you!)
Babe, did you not get those cookies that I sent to you? What about that those pictures I had taken of my naked jump? Whooops! Those darn guys at the U.S. Post Office!!! Sh*t, I'm as mad as a hornet now!! Not only did they eat your cookies, but the took the only prints that I had!!!
I am truely sorry about your TV and only 14 channels! But, hey look at it like this - I know people who have over 200 channels and there's still not a darn thing on!!
I'm glad to hear that your e-mail still works, I'll have to put that to use right away!! Sorry, seems like you got lost in the day-to-day busy shuffle of life. But, hey didn't I read somewhere here that you found yourself a nice young German girl? How's that working?
Divadiver