Oh, what a rotten level 5

[Michele 1]

The day begins with two injuries, one serious, one not. I watch the ambulance take the AFF level 5 student who forgot to flare off the fields, lights flashing, bumping over the dirt, and away to the hospital. Not 20 minutes later, someone turns low, and drives himself sideways into the ground. The sound that it makes! I flinch and cringe, knowing he was not getting up from that. And then the arms wave, people shouting call 911, other people running out to him with the medical bag. I stay where I am, knowing I can't help although I am somewhat emergency trained, I at least could hold the damn canopy over him so he's out of the sun, but I also would just be in the way, and I really don't want to see him. And the ambulance is taking forever - where is it, is he still alive? And the waiting and watching is killing me, so I start talking to people, anything to keep me from looking. The ambulance gets there, loads him up. He is hollering from the pain, and I can hear him. Good, I think, he's still alive.
Sinister and Albatross are there, as is DiverDave, and I talk to them for a while. They, though, are busy jumping and I am just waiting for the school to call for me. I turn my mind away from what I saw; I am going to jump, but now I am feeling very cautious. I have a new exit, and I can't even visualize how I am supposed to do it. Everyone assures me it's going to be wonderful, and I believe them because they would know, and I can't keep the thought of falling out of the plane from my mind. I walk over to the school, trying to get some quiet time, but I can't escape those little whiney voices telling me I am pushing my luck, look at what just happened, stay on the ground. I can't escape them because they are in my head, and I can't find that switch today.
Ed is really backed up, and I consider taking my level 5 with another instructor. The waiting is killing me. I decide to wait for Ed, though, because he knows me, and I trust him beyond anything or anyone else. I go through the harness room with Eric and a lady named Rhonda. She is doing her level 3 (good for her!!! Yay!!). We talk about spinning mals, and when to cut away and Eric asks me "how does it feel to float" and I start laughing, because I can't explain floating, but I know when I'm not. I apologize, because it seems out of place, but then Rhonda catches on and says "Michele, did you have a cut away?" which I didn't want to answer, because I think it would bother her, so I dance around the question while Eric tries to help me out. Some verbal gymnastics later, and she's looking at me, knowing what I am not saying. I am not a good liar. And I have scared myself again. We get out of the harness room, and walk over to see who's on the manifest. I have at least another 40 minutes to wait before I can even get ready, and Ed's in the air, so I walk back over to the packing area to sit still for a moment. I shut my eyes, and discipline my head away from the accidents and the fear, and back to the joy I feel in the air.
Ed comes over, and we practice the exit on the pretend plane. Hold on tight, swing the leg, and step off. Again and again we do it, and it just feels wierd. My hands are sweating, I can't keep my grip on the bar; what is going to happen in the air if I can't do it on the ground? Ed sees the unasked question, pats my shoulder, and reminds me I have 7500 feet to recover. Which should have been reassuring, but today it wasn't. What if I can't?
I finally get to gear up; I select a much baggier jumpsuit because I don't want to fall as fast. It's way too big for me, and my arms and legs don't make it out the holes. I push up the sleeves, but can't fix the bottoms, so I just walk on them. I examine the rig, not really understanding most of what I see, but trying to do a gear check anyway. Ed asks "anything out of place"", and I say I don't think so. He laughs, and asks if I mind him looking at it just to make sure. He does, there's nothing wrong so I put it on my back. I grab the altimiter, goggles and helmet, and shuffle off to the loading area. I can't think really well. I try to do the dive in my head as I am walking, but I keep going other places in my mind. I am focussing so hard, and failing so miserably in my head that I walk smack into Ed's back. Now my nose hurts, too. I am scared, but it is less than before, and I say a quick little Thank You. We are first out, so last in, and I begin to see the pattern that is loading. I, of course, don't want to be first out, but it can't be helped. That's just the way it is.
The plane ride was not fun, but uneventful. I really don't like the door. I watch the ground recede, and I don't think about it. I am still trying to get my head out of my ass far enough to imagine the dive past the exit, but no joy. Now it's 12.5 and we get to the door. Crouch, hold, switch grips, stand up with my head out of the plane, look at Ed, my feet are slipping shit, o.k., swing the leg, and we are in the air. That was the last good part for me.
I arch, but we are still falling sideways. I arch harder, and then we are leveling off. There is no comfort today, no feeling of freedom, no bliss. I do my practice touch and find the handle. My baggy jumpsuit is catching the wind, and whipping around, and Ed lets go. I try to check my alti, but it's covered by the overlarge sleeve. My right arm decides to ignore my brain, and planes back and down. I start turning to the left, I can't stop, here's Ed - wait no, he's gone, and I am trying everything to get a heading. Finally I do, but lose it almost immediately. I don't realize it's my right arm that is thinking out of sequence with my head. I didn't see Ed's alti, so I try again to get my eyes on mine, but again it's just not visible through the sleeve. Shit - where am I? How long have I been here? Look again, can't get it, decide to pull. As I signal, Ed grabs my leg. Finally I am not spinning, and I reach with my right hand, paw frantically at the sleeve, and still can't clear it. Look for the chest mount on the vid guy, can't see that, either. Nope, folks, it's over, I don't know where I am, so I signal, and I reach, and pull.
And my canopy opens fine, and now I can see my alti. I am about 4700 feet. I am furious. Lit. Livid. I blew that, dammnit, just blew that. I look out to the horizon, and see the beauty in the clouds, and the lakes and the dropzone, and I still am not finding the quietness I long for. I see it, but it can't get past the upset and anger I feel. It hasn't changed, I am just not making that connection today. So I decide to practice some turns, why not, flat turns, and s-turns, and finally get the courage up to do a really hard turn. I bury the toggle. Well, that scared me, so I stopped. But then I decide that I want to feel how the canopy moves this time, really understand it. It occurs to me that being angry at the freefall is taking attention away from right now, and that it is coloring my experience. So I tell myself I will be angry later, and just play under the canopy.
I get set up to land really well, and I wait to flare......and now! I flare. Damnit, I am way too high, so I let up to my shoulders, and then hold it, but the ground is coming fast, so I finish the flare and my belly rolls because I can feel the drop and I know I am going to hit and then I get moving sideways now; I know there is no hope in standing this up and then I am down and trying to roll to the right and bang goes my face into the dirt. I finish the roll, drop the toggle, ground the canopy, but then this leviathan thing fills with air again and the fight is on. I ground it again, and again it fills - back and forth this fight continues, with me trying everything to get it to lay down, damnit, it's like playing with an octopus and it finally does stay down because I just flat out won't let it fill with air. I gather the lines and try to get this huge chute into a semblance of order, get it into one hand, and walk over to Ed.
"I quit" says I, "I am not cut out for this". Ed just looks at me and laughs. Right, he says, go put your stuff away, and let's go watch the video tape. ""But I mean it. I really don't like this". Ed just shooes me into the packing area, and runs off to his next class. I am all tangled up in the lines, and the packer and I are trying to get me unravelled and then these arms come around my body from behind, and it is Albatross, and he hugs me hard, and laughs in my ear. And I feel better. I go find Ed, and ask him if he thinks I should go again today, but it's getting late, the winds are picking up, so we just watch the videotape and when the heck did my right arm grow it's own brain?
I will learn from my mistakes today. I will be back next week to do this again, and this time, I will have a lobotomy performed on my arm so it will do what I want it to. And I have somes things to think about, too. Does anger and self doubt color my view of my daily world the way it robbed me of the glory today? Does fear prevent me from really and fully transitioning to the new moment from the last? And how much of me gets buried by tentative behavior, caution, no risk?
Ciel bleu -
Michele

[Albatross 0]

I am glad that I could make you feel a little better about a hard dive but don't be so hard on yourself. You did good. You didn't panic you delt with a shitty situation and you did the most important thing PULL. When you go skydiving remember that you are not only entering a new environment but also a new dimention. You wouldn't get mad at a child because he could walk his first time or if he fell down after 6 attempts. It is the same thing. Many people have the same problem you had today even when they have 20, 30, 40, even 50 or 60 jumps. It is really common for people to have an asymetry which causes them to turn or spin. You WILL get it you are too strong and to special a person to let something as dumb as an arm out of place make you stop. If you need an ear I am always there.
Ready, Set, GOOOOOOO
Albatross

[nimbus 0]

Michele I know how you feel... after not even getting in the plane last time (well, getting in then thinking "uh-oh" and asking the assorted jumpers "Can I chicken out now?" and when they good-humouredly laugh saying "No, really") I seriously doubted whether this was for me, whether maybe I'm just a daydreamer who lives in her head.... it's been the support and attitude of you and others that has helped me to convince myself otherwise... that I can be a skydiver if I really want to, both in my head and outside in the sky... don't be angry with yourself if parts of the jump aren't what you wanted them to be, you are so capable it is amazing... we are all capable of so much more than we think... anger and self-doubt are obstacles to realising that... but like fear they are passing emotions/states of mind... expressions of frustration and uncertainty and you know you can pass through them, acknowledge them and understand the reason they exist is to teach you about yourself... I know you know all this already... I think like life in a big sense, skydiving is a process of unfolding, of accepting each moment as a moment of purity and beauty... the learning and the new challenges will never stop, and that is part of its attraction.
(May my ramblings cease now!)
Glad you weren't hurt when you landed, good luck with the next jump and keep believing in yourself like I know you do.
larissa xo
"The skies went on forever when I was young, they were beautiful, the most beautiful skies you've ever seen..."
Little Fluffy Clouds, The Orb.
p.s. anyone know why I have that "edit" button when I post?

[skymedic 0]

So you can change your own posts...
and Michele, remember the big picture, any skydive you walk away from was a great skydive(even if it didn't go as planned)
Marc

[russ 0]

we all have off days, it's just a matter of getting in the right frame of mind.
accidents do happen, and they make you think, but i personally trust the kit and my abilities so carry on jumping.
i am only a student jumper doing RAPS and on my last jump i was not in the right frame of mind, i was in the door on the run in the jumpmaster told me to go, but it didn't register exactly what he said, i turned round and said "what?" and then it twigged what he had said i was told to go again and i jumped. i had a good jump with a good count and pull but i was thinking how stupid that was all the way down.
I just tried to enjoy the canopy ride but still couldn't concentrate, then flared a little too late on my landing ending up having to do a parachute roll to avoid hurting myself.
i learnt a lot from that jump though, coz i know if i don't concentrate i will make mistakes.
don't worry about being scared of jumping, because the day a parachutist has absolutely no fear when jumping, is the day that they should give up the sport, because fear is the only thing stopping us from being dangerous!!

[Emma 0]

Michele, not your fault, your jumpsuit was too big and I am surprised your instructor didn't point this out to you. Clothing that is too loose or baggy can cover handles as well as altis....Not a good thing!
Considering you had a problem that was out of your control and totally threw you for a few seconds, I think you should be pretty pleased with that jump. You had a problem, you handled it just as you should have done and pulled because you knew you didn't know your altitude. I think this is the right thing to do, isn't it?
Equipment can fail, altis as well as canopies, so you should give yourself some points for dealing with what was effectively an equipment failure in the most sensible way!
I hate it when people say that any skydive that you walk away from is a good skydive. Everyone does a jump from time to time where they felt they let themselves or other people down....it's natural to feel a bit pissed off, and that's ok, just as long as you can still say to yourself, 'Bollocks! I wish I'd done xyz better! NEXT TIME I'll do this or that differently', laugh at yourself and give yourself a break.
This is a HARD sport! Nearly everyone fails one or more AFF levels! Last weekend, one of the most senior jumpers at my club (over 6,000 jumps) totally blew a big-way and was absolutely mortified. This is the trouble with skydiving; your failures or inadequacies on the jump or landing are so visible to others and can often seem to be there for public dissection. But everyone is in the same boat, this is one of the things that makes you stronger and also brings the skydiving community closer together. We all cock up now and then but as long as you didn't hurt yourself then you still fulfilled your basic AFF course requirement; survival.
(I landed on my arse right in front of the hangar on Sunday, loads of whuffos and a few skygods there watching. Bloody marvellous. And to top it all off, I let out a girly yelp as I landed! Then there was the time I landed ON the accuracy arrow, main point of impact being...my crutch....Nice...Then, I remember having the piss ripped out of me when I did such an over-enthusiastic swoop to pin that I nearly killed both people I was swooping on. So it was really funny for the whole DZ to watch the video of THAT! Then I landed in a bush in Empuria with skygods everywhere....oh man, you are not alone in feeling like you screw up sometimes!)
Learn from it, get a new jumpsuit and forget about it! And have a good next jump! emma

[mouth 0]

Hey sweetie. Sorry to hear you had a rough weekend. I think you are being WAY TOOOOOOO HARD on yourself. I wish you could see my student logbook. Funnas can be as several of the JM's not flat spin, flat spin. My arms also have a mind of their own. They eventually figure out where to go and be. The relaxation didve may be a good idea as you seem to be putting too much stress on yourself to be perfect. I did one after level 4 x 4 just to get a grip. Hey if I can make it you surely can. I even did night jumps this weekend...talk about scared. But I did it and now know I can.
You know you can do this so stop doubting yourself. (you handled the situation didn't you??...yes) We all believe in you. Believe in yourself and don't let outside stuff get in the way of that.
Albi....you have great timing. A chick can always use a HUG.

[axe96bam 0]

Michele, I think that had you jumped with a suit that fits, you would have done great. A larger suit gives more surface area, so it takes a lesser movement of your body parts to change your heading. Plus, as you found out, it could be difficult to read your atli. Don't beat yourself up over this jump. Do it over and you will do just fine.

[DZBone 0]

Hey, this sh#t is hard, isn't it! lol!
Wait until you have whole DAYS like this, jump after jump going terribly wrong, because you screwed it up, and everyone else on the jumps knows it too, and it's the same dive you've been doing all day, and you keep finding new and interesting ways to blow it.
Then, just as the sun is going down, you screw your courage to the wall, and make the final attempt, and it goes like clockwork, and you're turning a million points with your best friends, and the air feels cool and clean, and EVERYTHING is right in the world, and you open with a nice soft opening, let out a yell that can be heard three counties away, come in for the perfect stand-up landing, and share more whoops, hugs and high-fives with your buds, and head off for beer and "there I was" stories.
It doesn't get any better than that.
Carl

[FallingMarc 0]

Hey, everybody already said it all, but I second it.
I think blowing a dive now and then is just something we all have to get used to... it seems like for me, the only way I really learn something is to do it wrong a few times first, then I figure out why it's wrong and can fix it without too much trouble.
But it's all worth it when everything comes together for that one perfect skydive at the end of the day! We're all here for you!
Marc

[lazerq3 0]

I went up for a 9 way on my freinds 100th jump and TOTALLY blew the exit. Was standing to far back into the otter and when we launch I ened up slamming into the rear of the door and destroyed the base!! But everyone got it together and still came in to have a fun dive. DId anyone yell at me...nope (some did wonder what the hell happened though) and I learned something about exiting and I feel thats the most important thing. If you learn something from your jump no matter how small then your always improving. Just glad to here your not giving up.
jason

[sinister69 0]

Michele, I told you not to be so hard on yourself. Everyone has a shitty skydive and for some it takes longer to complete their levels. Don't let this discourage you. You are doing great. What you might want to practice is your arch while laying on your bed, become aware of the position of your body. Actually, your arch is great, but practice it anyway so that you become aware of your arms and legs. Build up the muscle memory so that when you exit, your appendages automatically go to the correct position. Also, once your done with your levels and doing solos, practice body position. My first solo I was wobbling all over the place, unsteady turns and the like. Now I think I have a pretty stable fall, my turns are getting to be pretty smooth, and everything is falling into place. Keep it up girl, you'll do great
Blue Skies!!
Sinister69
http://home.pacbell.net/n1elson1

[pilotdave 0]

My worst jump was AFF 4. My level 3 wasnt great so they had me do level 4 with 2 jumpmasters. Everything started off ok, but eventually i ended up spinning out of control. One jumpmaster grabbed back on right in front of me and, after quite a while, finally got the spin stopped and i pulled. It was a pretty amazing sight to see 3 other people (the dropzone owner came along to observe... he was just becoming an AFF jumpmaster at the time) just shoot by as i opened. I pulled around 5000 feet, and there were broken clouds at about 3000, so i couldnt see the airport. I had a radio on, but the guy on the ground couldnt see me. he just told me to keep the sun on my left side. When i got below the clouds, i found i was pointing at the airport, but the radio guy told me to aim away from it. if i was upwind of the airport, where he probably thought i was, that would have worked well. But i was downwind... way downwind. So, i ended up landing in someone's front yard at least a half mile from the dropzone. I had a great standup landing. The family that lived there didnt even know where the dropzone was. It was a pretty scary experience, but up to that point, it was the funnest skydive i had done. I knew i blew the level, but i didnt really care. Skydiving is skydiving even when things dont go perfectly.
One piece of advise... try to use the same equipment every time. Try to get the same jumpsuit, helmet, altimeter, and maybe even the rig. I could never get all the same stuff every time, but i think, until you buy your own, it helps to use stuff you can get used to. I have everything except a rig right now, and that could be arriving any day now. Got my A-license a couple months ago.
Once you "get" it, keeping stable in freefall wont take any thought at all. it will just kinda snap into place one of these jumps. just keep at it.
David

[DiverDave 0]

Michele,
I for one think your jump went great. Like I told you on the ground yesterday, if you walked away and could stand there telling me about it, it was a good jump.
You are in AFF to learn, right? Sounds like you learned a lot on that dive. Your awareness, decision making and actions all sound great. Your arch is good, a little turn under those circumstances is no big deal.
When I started AFF, I flew like a friggin' two-by-four... flat as a board. I kept instructing my body to move like it needed to, but to no avail. Over time things just 'snapped' into place. This hasn't changed a bit, just this weekend I made real progress in the Flyboyz skill camp, and on my first jump Sunday morning, something just 'snapped' into place and I refined some aspects of my sitflying. There is (and will always be) infinite room for improvement, but I feel good knowing I made some progress toward the unreachable goal. Your jump yesterday is a _necessary_ step toward some pieces 'snapping' into place in your flying.
Stick with it, keep jumping and it will all work itself out. By the time you start doing solos, you'll be amazed at how much time you have to play up there because your body and mind will have learned how to fly so you won't have to think about it. (Right, Sinister?)
Based on some advise from Eli and Fritz this weekend, I can relate this: think and practice on the ground... in the air, don't think! there isn't time! just breath and fly.
Good luck on your next jump...
Cheers... Dave

[PLFKING 3]

Michele --
You've got too much grit to give it up after one blown jump. Go out and have fun on the next one, and you'll be laughing about this one next week. We are all your support team...
The PLF Kaiser

[mouth 0]

OK honey you've heard the support system. What do you think now that you've have some time to think about it and read over our comments???

[mouth 0]

FYI.... I quit is not an option.

[lazerq3 0]

Quote

One piece of advise... try to use the same equipment every time. Try to get the same jumpsuit, helmet, altimeter, and maybe even the rig.

Funny you should mention that. I actually bought the same protec helmut I trained with and also the same jumpsuit I used. jason

[skybytch 259]

Girl, you've only begun to blow skydives!
After a few more "screw ups" you'll learn to laugh at yourself and blow it off. We've all spent canopy rides bitching ourselves out for a "bad" freefall. But, imho, no matter how poorly I fly, the only bad freefall is the one that isn't stopped by the deployment of a canopy.
Give yourself a break and accept that sometimes you're just gonna suck. As long as you take care of the basics - pull, pull on time, pull stable, land safely - it's a good skydive. You did that. While you may not have completed the TLO's for that dive, you took care of what was important. Keep it up! You can do this!
If you can afford it, I'd suggest doing more than one jump in a day. The second jump of the day is usually less stressful for a student than the first one - less stress = better performance.
pull and flare,
lisa
----
I don't think much, therefore I might not be

[Zennie 0]

Man Michele, you're like me. I'm my own worst critic. That's OK. It's what drives us to improve.
I won't restate what everyone else has already done a good job of explaining. I'll just say this, think about how proud of yourself you'll be when you've fought your way through all of this.
Nothing worthwhile comes easy.
------------
Blue Skies!
Zennie

[Michele 1]

Geez, guys, let's see. What do I think of all of you?
You're teaching me to fly
To soar, to dream, to love,
To learn, and yes, to live
With the spirit of the dove.
And every time I touch the sky,
Each one of you is with me.
And I learn so much about myself,
My lesson is to see.
See past the fear, and past the pain
See farther than before
See far beyond the ground
See past my own front door.
So into a new world I jump
But each time it is with you
Not one of you really know
How much for me you do.

You show me how to do it,
And then, when I can't reach,
You hold me up so I can see
The lessons which you teach.
To know myself, to let myself
Be what is real and true
Faith in myself and in the sky
For that I say ciel bleu.
You guys, you guys. I will be jumping on friday, back in the air. To keep on jumping then, leaping past the anger and the fear, reaching out into the sky, is the only way I know to really say "Thanks".
Ciel bleu-
Michele

[Albatross 0]

Michelle
You know that you mean alot to all of us you fill our days with beautiful words and fill our minds with toughts of blue skys and better days. That any of us have the opportunity to help in any way to get you up this hill is an honor and a priveledge. I think that even though it may not seem like it now that the day you graduate will be allthe more special for troubles and fears that you have had to overcome. Please Oh please let me make that next jump with you it would a honor that you could never imagine. MUCH LOVE AND RESPECT TO THE WOMAN WITH THE BIGGEST HEART AND MOST COURAGE I KNOW.
Ready, Set, GOOOOOOO
Albatross

[mouth 0]

Both of you are going to make me cry.
(Who cares if he is young Michele.)

[Pammi 0]

Wow. I second that Mouth! I have been so busy actually having to work that I hadn't gotten to this thread yet, so was getting emotional already as I read it, then I got to the last couple and ... well, wow.
Michele, they all said what I would have, and most more eloquently too. They are so right! You don't realize as a whuffo that skydiving is not just falling...to quote Buzz Lighyear, it's "Falling with style!" LOL! I had SUCH a hard time during my progression also! Tangled in my pilot chute, low pull, spins fast enough to make me literally sick! You WILL get it! Promise! You know why? Because you are already a skydiver. Don't ever think otherwise. Skydiving is a thing of the heart. An appreciation and love of the air, and you obviously have that, along with the intelligence and determination to master it.
I will always remember what I was told when I kept screwing up my dives and wanted to quit. "So what's the problem? You screwed up, so now you have to make another skydive? Um, that's a bad thing?"
Follow your heart girl.
Pammi
Our webpage

[SkyDolphin 0]

Hey DiveDave,
This is Rhonda. I was at Perris this weekend helping out Fritz and Eli with the Skills Camp. Did you have a good time and learn a lot from the Boyz? Would you be willing to write a little paragraph for me about your experience at the Skills Camp for an article I'm going to write? That would be awesome if you could. If you can, you can send it to my [email protected] address.
Thanks
Rhonda