Friday funny

[skymama 35]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note... Must do more sit-ups.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Tweeze hairs. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see
your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No) Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your butt. Get in
shower.
Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off. Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partially dry off. Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
Andrea
The brave may not live forever, but the timid may not live at all.

[wceviper 0]

We really should ad a "How To like a " forum! And only make it available on Fridays!
-Jason

[freeflir29 0]

That's pretty much the entire story........
Woo-Woo.....Baby!!!!!!!!
"I got some beers....Let's Drink em!!!"
Clay

[skymama 35]

read a good article in Cosmo the other day about "69". We could discuss that!
Ok...."69"....is this a good position in your opinion, and do you do it with just anyone? (guys who have sex with farm animals need not reply)
Andrea
The brave may not live forever, but the timid may not live at all.

[freeflir29 0]

"guys who have sex with farm animals need not reply'
Justin and Skreamer are out on this one I guess.....
"do you do it with just anyone?"
Only the girls that are willing........."I got some beers....Let's Drink em!!!"
Clay

[skymama 35]

guess we'll have to start looking for hoof marks on their foreheads!
oh my gosh, I can't believe I fell into the farm animal jokes! I'm sorry guys...Clay, you're such a bad influence!
Andrea
The brave may not live forever, but the timid may not live at all.

[scottbre 0]

Quote

Ok...."69"....is this a good position in your opinion

Are you asking because you are thinking about trying it, or are just curious about what others think?
I think it is great. For one, you have to concentrate on giving and receiving, so that draws things out longer. Plus there is a whole lot more interplay that just one way or the other.
I love it when a female brings this type of thing up. And it is even funnier that this is the type of thing that those women's magazines spend 50% or more of their time on.
"Can't keep my mind from the circling sky. Tongue-tied & twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I."

[skymama 35]

Quote

Are you asking because you are thinking about trying it, or are just curious about what others think?

been there, done that, would do it again. Just curious mostly...and trying to make the day pass more quickly!
Andrea
The brave may not live forever, but the timid may not live at all.

[MarkM 0]

Here's another good one, sorta similar to the shower joke:
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English
students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
------------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over kylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle
beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered listfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine adquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the
sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no I'm such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
Wanker.
----------------------------------------------------------
Slut.
----------------------------------------------------------
Get fucked.
----------------------------------------------------------
Eat shit.
----------------------------------------------------------
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
Go drink some tea - whore..

[skymama 35]

Wasn't that kind of what went on between AlienAngel and Michele a few months back?
Andrea
The brave may not live forever, but the timid may not live at all.

[kingbunky 3]

that's frickin' hilarious!!!
"Jumping out of planes for the thrill of it all."
-J.Geils Band

[scottbre 0]

That's the funniest thing I have read all day.
Oh man..... whew..... *wipes a tear from his eye*
"Can't keep my mind from the circling sky. Tongue-tied & twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I."

[skyhawk 2]

hey what the fuck did i miss ?????
Click Me

[freeflir29 0]

Love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ing my ass off!!!!!!!!!!
"I got some beers....Let's Drink em!!!"
Clay

[skymama 35]

ummm.....I don't think AA truly appreciated the style of writing and prose that Michele has. We'll just leave it at that.
Andrea
The brave may not live forever, but the timid may not live at all.

[skyhawk 2]

why do i miss all the good stuff i missed the whole spectre thing as well somthen bout his girlfriend posten nude or somethen
Click Me

[skymama 35]

oh, yeah, now THAT was funny!
You gotta hang around more!
Andrea
The brave may not live forever, but the timid may not live at all.

[skyhawk 2]

i got almost 850 posts i spend more then enough time here :-) just never when it gets interesting
Click Me

[PhreeZone 15]

The Spec thing came up last night in the chat room and so did his 35000 foot static line jump out of a 777 I want to touch the sky, I want to fly so high ~ Sonique

[SpeedRacer 1]

That kind of thing (mars&Venus)comes up a lot. Especially with TV & movie selections. I just remember one incident a few years back with a woman I was dating at the time. We wanted to go out to see a film. I wanted to see The Matrix and she wanted to see Message in a Bottle (barf!).
Speed Racer
"My God! It's full of stars!"

[freeflir29 0]

"35000 foot static line jump out of a 777"
Hope he was spotting for a "Continent" you might be able to hit that....
"I got some beers....Let's Drink em!!!"
Clay

[freeflir29 0]

"I wanted to see The Matrix and she wanted to see Message in a Bottle (barf!)."
Ahh yes...The Matrix was a cool movie with lots of action and a kick azz sound track. OTOH suffering through "Message in a Bottle" will probably get you laid....Hmmm....tough choice......"I got some beers....Let's Drink em!!!"
Clay

[fonz 0]

Quote

That kind of thing (mars&Venus)comes up a lot.

Men and women at the ATM machine.
Him:
1) Pull up to ATM
2) Insert Card
3) Enter PIN number and amount
4) Take cash, card and receipt
5) Pull away
Her:
1) Pull up to ATM
2) Check make-up in rearview mirror
3) Shut off engine
4) Put keys in purse
5) Hunt for card in purse
6) Get out of car because she's too far from machine
7) Insert card
8) Hunt in purse for tampax with PIN number written on it
9) Enter PIN number
10) Study instructions for 2 minutes
11) Hit "cancel"
12) Re-enter correct PIN number
13) Check balance
14) Look for envelope
15) Look in purse for pen
16) Make out deposit slip
17) Endorse checks
18) Make deposit
19) Study instructions again
20) Make cash withdrawal
21) Get in car
22) Check make-up
23) Get keys out of purse
24) Start car
25) Check make-up
26) Start pulling away
27) STOP
28) Back up to machine
29) Get out of car
30) Take card and receipt
31) Get back in car
32) Put card in wallet
33) Put receipt in checkbook
34) Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35) Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36) Check make-up
37) Put car in reverse gear
38) Put car in drive
39) Drive away from machine
40) Travel 3 miles
41) Release parking brake

Alphons
http://www.liacs.nl/~avwerven

[freeflir29 0]

Thats why it takes so damn long.........
"I got some beers....Let's Drink em!!!"
Clay

[flyhi 24]

Sorry, I was busy with the boss' boss today and couldn't check-in. Some people think just cause they give you a little money, that gives them the right to ruin, I mean run, your life.

Quote

Ok...."69"....is this a good position in your opinion, and do you do it with just anyone? (guys who have sex with farm animals need not reply)

The worst part about "69" is the view.
Is it hot in here, or am I crazy? - Charles Manson
flyhi