akarunway 1 #1 December 22, 2003 Subject: asshole on speed dial For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day - when you just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you DON'T know. Now get this... I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I could not believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digit incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, " You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He's answer I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up. Late in the year, the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi, this is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" The reason I take the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. Read on. An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great," I thought, "She's finally leaving." All of a sudden, this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle, in the wrong direction, and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center, as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's an asshole. There sure are a lot of assholes in this world." Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings, someone answered the phone and said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're an asshole!" and I slammed the phone down. After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial asshole # l. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I yelled, "You're an asshole!" but I didn't hang up. The asshole said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "Make me." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" So, I told him, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" " 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front." I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up. Then I called asshole # 2. He answered, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I'll kick your ass." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole!" and I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover, as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction! Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences my life!!! The story you have just read is true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumpinfarmer 0 #2 December 22, 2003 You are a sick evil person, and will burn in hell. It was funny as hell though, wish I could have played that trick on some assholes I know. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
beej 0 #3 December 22, 2003 shit..I hope I never upset you... ---------------------------------------------------- If the shit fits - wear it (blues brothers)-- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
akarunway 1 #4 December 22, 2003 I'll be lurking in Eloy this w/e. Ivan, I need a capeI hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
msmithd8769 0 #6 December 22, 2003 That was great AKA!! But I do think you may need some counseling...._____________________________ "And when the prophet shall arise who appeareth as a bird then the time of the Lord draweth nigh and the flock shall rule the earth." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
akarunway 1 #7 December 22, 2003 I self analyse/counsel myself every day. I also represent myself in courts of lawI hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
brits17 0 #8 December 22, 2003 good read, creative mind. thanks _______________________ aerialkinetics.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
n2skdvn 0 #9 December 22, 2003 I've had that story E-mailed to me a few times good read!!!!if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN my site Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MikeMcLean 0 #10 December 22, 2003 QuoteSubject: asshole on speed dial REPOST AND SNOPESIt wouldn't hurt you to think like a fucking serial killer every once in a while - just for the sake of prevention Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Thomson 0 #11 December 22, 2003 May i have your PHONENUMBER?-------------------------------------------------- I LOVE THE CUTAWAY HANDLE OF TONYS VECTOR! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Chute 0 #12 December 22, 2003 LMFAO Classic!!Bottomless Beers and Blue Skies! * Brother_Brian * D.S.W.F.S.B. #2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zeemax 0 #13 December 22, 2003 its all about karma... may you have your life fucked over for no reason too Phoenix Fly - High performance wingsuits for skydiving and BASE Performance Designs - Simply brilliant canopies Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WrongWay 0 #14 December 22, 2003 You are the coolest person in existence!!!!!!! Holy shit on a stick, if this is really true, I'm gonna buy you a whole fucking case of whatever beer you want!!! Wrong Way D #27371 Mal Manera Rodriguez Cajun Chicken Ø Hellfish #451 The wiser wolf prevails. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
panzwami 0 #15 December 22, 2003 yeah, I thought that sounded familiar. Still a funny story, tho. Matt ----- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kelel01 1 #16 December 22, 2003 Yeah, why does everyone seem to be buying this? This reeks of "e-mail forward"! It's a joke, people! Kelly Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
akarunway 1 #17 December 22, 2003 yes .it was a foward to me. it's funny as hell tho. have a sense of humor. Jeez. some people can be so analI hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kelel01 1 #18 December 22, 2003 I still thought it was funny! I love e-mail forwards, but everyone's like, "Oh, you're the man!". Just trying to make sure we're all on the same page. This is me sticking my tongue out at you. Kelly edited to add: Maybe I should heed my own sig line. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kai2k1 0 #19 December 22, 2003 I dont care if its true or not. I though it was deviant and hilarious at the same time. There's no truer sense of flying than sky diving," Scott Cowan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sdgregory 0 #20 December 22, 2003 you mean this was not real? What a rip off! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites