Someone make me laugh...please

[sdgregory 0]

Man leaves the city for the simple farm life. He buys some property and decides to turn it into a farm. He goes to the local feed store and he tells the guy "I'd like to buy a chicken."

The shop owner says I'm sorry but around here we call em pullet's.

Man says okay can you give me a pullett?

Shop owner says "Sure."

Man says can I get a rooster too?

Shop owner say '"Around here we call em cock's"

Man says,"Okay can I get a cock?"

Shopowner says sure.

Now I need a donkey says the man.

Shop owner says, "Around here we call em asses.WE only got one and unfortunately he's a pain. He will only walk 1000 feet and then he sits until you scratch him behind the ear."

Man says okay I'll take the ass.

SO the man starts walking back to his farm with the pullet under one arm the cock under another and the lead to the ass in his hand. He gets 1000 feet down the road when the donkey suddenly sits. Now he looks at the donkey and realizes he cannot scratch the donkeys ear without loosing one of the other two animals. He was just about to give up when a woman walked up and seeing his situation asked if she could help.

He looked at her and said, "Sure, could you hold my cock and pullett while I scratch my ass?"

[bch7773 0]

Quote

It gets weirder....jeremy put up the same damn joke.

yeah weird... they both started typing it at about the same time... that joke must be going around on an email or something.

MB 3528, RB 1182

[n2skdvn 0]

THE ROOSTER

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.

So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.

Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the hen house and Randy takes off like a shot.

Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake.

Wham---He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in
with the ducks.

Randy is jumping every fowl the farmer owns. The
farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive
rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon
awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a
doorknob, still as a
rock, in the middle of the yard.

Vultures are circling overhead. The farmer,
saddened by the loss of such a colourful animal,
shakes his head
and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done
to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says,
"Shhh, they're getting closer."

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[Gravitymaster 0]

On their 50th Wedding Anniversary the reminiscing wife puts on the negligee she wore on her wedding night and says to her husband "Honey, do you remember this"?

He looks up from reading the newspaper and says "Yes Honey I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married".

"Yes dear thats right. Do you remember what you said to me that night"? she said.
"Yes Dear, I do remember". he says, and goes back to reading his newspaper.

"Well, what was it you said"? she asks.

Not really being in the mood for this, he sighs and responds "Well Honey, as I remember, I said, "Oh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those huge boobs and screw your brains out".

"Yes Dear and now its 50 years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say now"?

He looks her up and down and says "Mission Accomplished".

[jeremyneas 0]

It isn't, I remember that from when i was in high school, just gets the best reaction, so it went in the vault...hey i can type 60 wmp, no copy and pasty here

[sdgregory 0]

n2skdvn

You are the first person I have ever met that hasd heard that joke!

My mom told me it years ago and everytime I have told it no one else has heard it.

Love that one!

[PhillyKev 0]

Ok...this one's been around for awhile.

A man gets home from work, opens the door and calls to his wife, "Honey, honey, guess what!? I hit the lottery!! 85 million dollars!! Pack your bags!!!"

His wife screams back, "Oh my god!! That's wonderful!!! Where are we going?? Should I pack for the mountains or the beach??!!"

Still smiling he says, "I don't care, just get the fuck out!!!".

[sdgregory 0]

My wife does not think this one is funny. But I do

[hmatousek 0]

At least you have clear skies and it's warm enough to jump. I'm looking at three months before any jumping in Chicago.

Blue Skies,
Heather

Life doesn't have to be perfect in order to be beautiful!

[n2skdvn 0]

my dad always had good jokes he heard from work.
i keep finding alot of them on the net now.
plus i get alot in e-mails .

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[BigWaveDave 0]

Q: What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

A: The position of the dirtbag...

If anyone here rides, then I didn't mean that joke.

“If you hear a voice within you saying, ''You are not a painter,'' then by all means paint… and that voice will be silenced.” - Vincent van Gogh

[PhillyKev 0]

Quote

At least you have clear skies and it's warm enough to jump. I'm looking at three months before any jumping in Chicago.

Blue Skies,
Heather

I don't get it..

[BigWaveDave 0]

Two drunks are laying on the floor, and one of them is sticking a finger in and out of the other drunk’s ass.

When a cop walks by and looks at the drunks, he says, “What the hell are you two doing?”

The first drunk replies, “Oh, I’m just helping my friend vomit.”

So the cop says, “Do you think I’m stupid? Sticking your finger in his ass is no way to make your friend vomit.”

“Just wait until I stick it in his mouth,” replies the drunk.

“If you hear a voice within you saying, ''You are not a painter,'' then by all means paint… and that voice will be silenced.” - Vincent van Gogh

[my_dog_steve 0]

A pirate walks into a bar with this enormous steering wheel stuck down his pants. The bartender can’t help but ask, “What’s with the steering wheel?” “ARRRRGGH,” the pirate answers, “it’s drivin’ me nuts.”

[jeremyneas 0]

After 6 years of marrage, the wife can't stand the fact that the husband ALWAYS wants the light off during sex.

Well tonite, in the middle of the fun, she flips on the light, only to discover her husband over her with a dildo in his hand.

"You limp dick muthar fuckar, how dare you screw me all these years with a dildo!?!"

The husband replied "I'll explain the dildo, if you explain our 3 kids"

[ChileRelleno 0]

Out behind the truckstop where nobody goes,
lay a J.B. Hunt driver without any clothes.
Along came a Schnieder swinging a chain,
down came the zipper and out it came.
Three months later it started to swell,
three months after that it looked like hell.
Three more months and out it came,
a baldheaded Swift driver in the slow lane.
(Swift, Schneider and JB Hunt are trucking companies who keep their trucks governed at or below 62mph and therefore slow down/block traffic and are the butt of many trucking jokes.)

(Lotlizard = truckstop prostitute)
The other day I was talking to this lotlizard, she told me she could tell when a drivers sperm count was getting too high. I said "Well hows that?" and she said "When I gotta chew before I can swallow."

What do you call a lotlizard with a mattress tied to her back?
A Owner-Operator!

The day after Princess Diana died Prince Charles called up O.J. Simpson, ya know what he said?.........
"Thats the way you do it Yank!

I've got lots more but i don't feel like typing them out.

ChileRelleno-Rodriguez Bro#414
Hellfish#511,MuffBro#3532,AnvilBro#9, D24868

[BigWaveDave 0]

Q: What did the seven dwarfs say when the prince awakened Snow White?

A: “I guess it’s back to jerking off.”

“If you hear a voice within you saying, ''You are not a painter,'' then by all means paint… and that voice will be silenced.” - Vincent van Gogh

[Rdy2skydive 0]

Two cows are in the barn waiting for their food to be dropped into their feed tray. As the tray starts to fill cow #1 starts eating. Cow #2 says to him "Hey, aren't you afraid of Mad Cow Disease?"
Cow #1 says, "No."
"Really?" says #2. "How come?"
"I'm a squirrel." says number 1.

If that doesn't work, how about this...

Two gay guys are sitting at a table at an outdoor cafe drinking coffee. Across the street they see this totally hot blonde walk by. At this point one says to the other, "You know, it's times like this I wish I was a lesbian."

[Nightingale 0]

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was getting old and could barely do his job anymore. The farmer figured getting a new rooster would surely improve egg production. So he bought a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turned him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster saw the young one strutting around, and he got a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thought the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."

He walked up to the new bird and said, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it three times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.

So the race began and all the hens started cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster still maintained his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead had slipped substantially and he was just barely in front of the young rooster. Just as the young rooster was about to catch up with the old rooster, BANG! The young rooster dropped dead in his tracks.

Back on the porch of the house was the farmer with a shotgun. As he stood there slowly shaking his head, he muttered to himself... That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[ChileRelleno 0]

What's red and has seven dents?... Snow Whites cherry!

ChileRelleno-Rodriguez Bro#414
Hellfish#511,MuffBro#3532,AnvilBro#9, D24868

[n2skdvn 0]

Mrs. Abdalla comes to visit her son Samir for 3 days in London
where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vikki,a
girl roomate.

Mrs. Abdalla couldn't help but notice how pretty Samir's roommate was.
She suspects of a relationship between the two, and this had only made
her more curious.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Samir volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Samir saying,"Ever since your mother
left, I've been unable to find the silver sugarbowl. You don't
suppose she took it do you? "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since you left back to Ramallah.
Love, Samir"

Several days later, Samir received an email from his Mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vikki,
and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains
that
if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl
by now.

Love, Mom."

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[champu 1]

Quote

Here's a good fark for you This guy has been arrested 804 times.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess he's drunk when he gets caught trespassing.

[jsaxton 0]

A man was sitting at the kitchen table at 4 am quietly sobbing.

His wife came downstairs and said "What's the matter honey?"

The man said "Remember when I was 18 and you were 16?"

The wife said "Yes dear" and sat down.

The man said "And remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of his car?"

The wife said "Of course I do".

Tha man said "And you're dad said if I didn't marry you he'd make sure I spent 20 years in prison?".

The wife said "Yes dear".

Tha man said "I would have gotten out today".

[n2skdvn 0]

funny thing look at is the booking dates. he must have his own personal cell.

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[FrenchyDiver 0]

One day, while sitting by the fire, a young indian boy asked his mother how it was that she came to name him and his two brothers.

The mother replied, well, when your oldest brother was born, we looked outside the teepee and saw a deer running, so he is named "Running Deer".

When your older brother was born, we again looked outside the teepee and saw a bear dancing, so he is named "Dancing Bear".

Why are you so curious about this, "Two Dogs Fucking?"

Hispas Brothers President
HISPA #2,