No, you knew the rules . . . .

[newsstand 0]

Go with your plan. Keep the cart at your house and after each report card decide who gets to use it.

"Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch; nay, you may kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at evening."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

[flyangel2 2]

Ray,
Not directed towards you, but since you brought up the grades I'll reply to you.

I know we all really want our kids to do well in school, and we really focus on the grades. We need to keep in mind that different kids learn at different speeds. My older son never had a problem with his homework, but it was World War III trying to get the other to do his. We just had to come up with some creative ways to get it done. An example: Adam seemed to have a hard time with his spelling. Just sitting and saying the letters to the words or writing them out didn't seem to help. I would take some flour and pour it onto a baking sheet and when I said the spelling word, he would write it out in the flour. It added some fun to his study time. It's also important that we as parents take the time to sit down with our children and help them with homework. It's a good way to check up on them, and it helps with the bonding. Some children in school need a little more help then the average children. We as parents need to make sure that our children are understanding what is taught and maybe get some extra help for them if they are falling behind.

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey

[turtlespeed 212]

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Was your family vacation a "reward" for being good. Or a time to share family fun and values?

No, it wasn't a reward - it was something that Grama wanted to do for the kids - My thinking is that it doesn't matter what was planned - if it was supposed to be fun - you don't get to do it when you don't do what you know you are supposed to do.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[turtlespeed 212]

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Go with your plan. Keep the cart at your house and after each report card decide who gets to use it.

I agree.

reward for failure can only encourage failure.

Put in a Skydiving analogy - You jump out of a plane - you fall - if you don't pull you PC then you bounce. If you don't do your home work - and get a bad grade because of it - you don't get to go on vacation. It's not like she couldn't do the work - she didn't want to and tried to lie to me about it. She decided that it was better to go play than to do the work. Unacceptable

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[sunnydee123 0]

Hate to say it but FUCK what everyone else thinks. You are the "boss" and a rule was broken (or ignored) - no cookies for them no matter what anyone says. You did the right thing.

As for the grandparents - they can get the ticket(s) changed or put on hold for a later date, maybe you could offer to cover the change fee and resolve that "upsetness". Let THEM go on the trip and save the ticket for another trip or give it as a gift down the road - maybe when the "bad kid" shapes up

Dreams become reality, one choice at a time...

[rehmwa 2]

Stick to it Clint. I have the same thing with my daughter (8) and she gets it. Once she bumped into those boundaries and they didn't move it was like a light came on. Now her mother has to do the same thing, it's like two different kids depending on who she's with......

Still the whole "I forgot" and "I didn't know" thing is getting old. But they turn out ok if we are firm.

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[Billy 0]

Learning to be responsible is an important thing for kids that age,,
The decision was made for you, not by you... I bet you were excietd to go also!

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It's even tougher when they say "When I'm eighteen, I'm gone." Heard that for the first time two weeks ago and it felt like a sword went through my heart..

Ya, they know what hurts and it's usually just venting anger and frustration,, and it's your job to get them ready to get outta the house when they are 18 & have them ready for the real world... it'll be tougher than you ever were! Just don't forget to love'm no matter what
edit to add..

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maybe when the "bad kid" shapes up

Not a "bad kid" just a bad decision they made,,

Natural Born FlyerZ.com

[turtlespeed 212]

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Now her mother has to do the same thing, it's like two different kids depending on who she's with......

Do we have the same kid?

LOL
I know it's not funny - but we (her mother) and I were discussing a topic yesterday - and the responce to "Well, why did you let that happen, then?" was (And I shit you not) "I was just tired of arguing with her." WHAT? WTF do you mean "Arguing with her?" Who is in charge?

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[sunshine 2]

You are a good guy, don't ever forget that.

___________________________________________
meow

I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug!

[hmatousek 0]

Tough love always pays off in the end. She will definately remember this and think twice about doing it again. If she is feeling really bad about lying then having her earn the trip back is a really good idea. Remember she is only human, not that what she did was right, but maybe think about giving her a chance to redeem herself. It would be helpful for everyone involved. Then it also teachers her forgiveness.

Best of luck!

Heather

Life doesn't have to be perfect in order to be beautiful!

[turtlespeed 212]

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Tough love always pays off in the end. She will definately remember this and think twice about doing it again. If she is feeling really bad about lying then having her earn the trip back is a really good idea. Remember she is only human, not that what she did was right, but maybe think about giving her a chance to redeem herself. It would be helpful for everyone involved. Then it also teachers her forgiveness.

Best of luck!

Heather

Ya know - I knew I could count on you guys to help me get outta this predicament.

I have an idea of what she can do to "Earn" it back - all she has to do is learn top pack.

Just kidding. Really - she doesn't need to learn that _ Just Yet.
It won't be easy - by any means - it involves changing one's attitude -
Haven't worked out the details just yet - but I will post when I do.

Thanks for the suggestions.
Clint

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[flyangel2 2]

I know we talked last night about this, and you didn't seem too receptive to the idea. But please, think about doing the contract thing. This way it's all written out, and there won't be any misunderstandings. You will also have black and white to show those around you that aren’t in agreement with your decision if goals are not met.

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey

[Dougiefresh 0]

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the contract thing

This is a terrible idea. My dad pulled this shit on me and all it did is serve as a constant reminder what a fuck up I was. (am?) It didn't matter that my problems were psychological (depression), all that mattered was that I wasn't fulfilling my potential. Which let HIM down. It's not about you, it's about how your daughter can grow and learn from her mistakes.

I'm not a parent, so take my advice with a mountain of salt, I'm just letting you know that it's been tried and didn't work.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --Douglas Adams

[gjhdiver 0]

Children should only be produced for the nutrients they can provide the rest of us.

[flyangel2 2]

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This is a terrible idea. My dad pulled this shit on me and all it did is serve as a constant reminder what a fuck up I was.

Maybe it’s the way he presented it to you. You don’t belittle the child if the contract is broken.

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It didn't matter that my problems were psychological (depression),

I’m guessing you didn’t read all of my post. If you did you would have seen the part about some children needing extra help. I’m sorry that your dad didn’t see that you needed that.

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I'm not a parent, so take my advice with a mountain of salt, I'm just letting you know that it's been tried and didn't work.

It didn’t work for you. How long did your father try it? I admit, it doesn’t work for all situations. I use it the correct way, and it works for me.

After you have some kids, come back here and let us know what works for you. Different things work for different kids.

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey

[Gawain 0]

I had a fairly short learning curve about earning something versus having it given to me. When my dad told me to do something, it only took one swift *whack* with a hand or belt to get me back in line.

It's a shame those days are gone and it's probably one reason why I'm not terribly interested in parenthood.

So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

[sdgregory 0]

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Tough love always pays off in the end. She will definately remember this and think twice about doing it again. If she is feeling really bad about lying then having her earn the trip back is a really good idea. Remember she is only human, not that what she did was right, but maybe think about giving her a chance to redeem herself. It would be helpful for everyone involved. Then it also teachers her forgiveness.

Best of luck!

Heather

This is the hardest part about parenting. We want our kids to learn from their mistakes. But we also want them to learn forgiveness.

Unfortunately(for us and them), forgiveness does not mean that they get to do what was taken away. I have cancelled plans because a child was willfully disobedient (which I think is the key here.) Most of the time I wanted to do that thing that has been cancelled as much as they do. Sometimes what was coancelled has ruined other plans of mine (I can think of a night where they were to spend it as friends and my wife and I were going to be home alone for the first time in 2 years that got ruined).

Any time I have had to dole out punishment it has broken my heart. I hate it. I hate doing it. I hate that role. I think any good parent would. But it is part of the job and we must make the tough decisions.

My children know that I will always forgive them, but they also know that just saying your sorry does not mean the punishment is averted. I do not think that does them any justice.


If it were me, she still would not go to Disney world. But on that day, I might take her out for a lunch or dinner date just the two of us to show her that just because I was disappointed and just because she had to accept the consequences of her actions, does not mean I haven't forgiven her.

Then again, I might just boil her in oil and make her the dinner.