jumperconway 0 #1 March 4, 2005 This is soooo funny - but so painful to read! You will understand why! One of women's dilemmas Getting rid of unwanted hair--One woman's story. All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal: the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now ... The Wax. My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home, fixed dinner for my family and got everyone settled for the night. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I made sure no one would need me and I could head for the bathroom in peace. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever). No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girliest of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think. So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax I go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! So with my next wax strip, I'll move north. After checking on my beloved family again, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind from the pain! ..... Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed. Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy -- my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medalist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair -- the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout Nooooooo!! I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake -- up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut. A little voice in my head says, "I hope you don't have to shit anytime soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in. The wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong. I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -- and I sit. Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glue d together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck in the tub -- literally! I call my friend, Liz, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and vagina are stuck to the tub." She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass. "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the Internet if you tell them the truth." While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girlie goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off! In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to Other subjects!) I find the lotion provided with the wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from Liz and we hang up. I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a moustache might start to come in. Tonight, I attempt hair dying. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #2 March 4, 2005 "Tonight, I attempt hair dying." Not, the groinal area??? That's some hilarious shit! Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Feeblemind 1 #3 March 4, 2005 ROFLMAO!!! Fire Safety Tip: Don't fry bacon while naked Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dan_iv 0 #4 March 4, 2005 that made me laugh harde then i have in a LOOOONG time.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #5 March 4, 2005 You didn't??? Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkiD_PL8 0 #6 March 4, 2005 Haha everyone in my office just read that and loved it. That is what happens when you start laughing hysterically in your cube. Greenie in training. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkiD_PL8 0 #7 March 4, 2005 QuoteYou didn't??? Chuck I once threw a bunch of french fries in the fry daddy while naked. I know for a fact that is bad knews it looked like I had chicken pocs on my pecks. Greenie in training. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kelel01 1 #8 March 4, 2005 QuoteI once threw a bunch of french fries in the fry daddy while naked. I know for a fact that is bad knews it looked like I had chicken pocs on my pecks pecker. I fixed it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkiD_PL8 0 #9 March 4, 2005 QuoteQuoteI once threw a bunch of french fries in the fry daddy while naked. I know for a fact that is bad knews it looked like I had chicken pocs on my pecks pecker. I fixed it. I knew someone was going to do that lol. Fortunately however I was holding a plate at the time so was shielded from the waist down. Greenie in training. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #10 March 4, 2005 ... "I had chicken pox on my pecker." There, I fixed it for ya'! Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kelel01 1 #11 March 4, 2005 Sorry . . . at this point in time in my dz.com "career", it's just a race to get to the obvious jokes first. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkiD_PL8 0 #12 March 4, 2005 QuoteSorry . . . at this point in time in my dz.com "career", it's just a race to get to the obvious jokes first. Yeah you wouldn't want to be slow again! Greenie in training. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brains 2 #13 March 4, 2005 QuoteSorry . . . at this point in time in my dz.com "career", it's just a race to get to the obvious jokes first. At least you have goals. Never look down on someone, unless they are going down on you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kelel01 1 #14 March 4, 2005 See? That obvious joke escaped me! We're currently tied at 1-1. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #15 March 4, 2005 Dayum! You beat me, girl. I wanted to fix it first! I gotta learn to type faster... that's all there is to it! Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkiD_PL8 0 #16 March 4, 2005 QuoteQuoteSorry . . . at this point in time in my dz.com "career", it's just a race to get to the obvious jokes first. At least you have goals. Damn, what does a career as a DZ.com post whore pay? I am well on my way to PW mastery didn't know there was profit to be had Greenie in training. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Slappie 9 #17 March 4, 2005 QuoteQuoteQuoteSorry . . . at this point in time in my dz.com "career", it's just a race to get to the obvious jokes first. At least you have goals. Damn, what does a career as a DZ.com post whore pay? I am well on my way to PW mastery didn't know there was profit to be had I'm really sorry to burst your obvisous bubble of wealth and fame. But my friend Skid you are a pleebe on the ladder of Postwhoredom. Practice makes perfect. When you can single handidly threadjack a serious conversation and turn it to something other then boobies, beer or sex. Then my firend you have graduated to a minor postwhore. Takes alot of work. I suggest trying to threadjack a thread and turn it to boobies. That's the easiest trick here at dz.com. Then move on to sex and booze is afterwards. Once you can successfully threadjack a thread and turn the topic to Ninja's you my lil grasshoppah have achieved total Postwhoreness. "Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GeordieSkydiver 0 #18 March 5, 2005 Oh my life, that is soooo funny. I hope it really happened.Lee _______________________________ In a world full of people, only some want to fly, is that not crazy? http://www.ukskydiver.co.uk Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #19 March 5, 2005 QuoteGetting Rid Of Unwanted Hair....... Place lips firmly together and go "Ptoo" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BIGUN 1,105 #20 March 5, 2005 Thank you. I was in tears by "stuck to the tub."Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OrangeJumper 0 #21 March 5, 2005 Once you can successfully threadjack a thread and turn the topic to Ninja's you my lil grasshoppah have achieved total Postwhoreness. That is some funny ass shit.....LMAO!!!! Look eye, always look eye! The Original Cabana Boy! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
haniel32 0 #22 March 5, 2005 you just made my day that was the funniest story i have heard in a long time! Good luck with the hair dye. Face first landing YET again! "I thought I flared" Grass tastes great!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Face first landing YET again! "I thought I flared" Grass tastes great!!!!!
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