what to do to be a true friend

[lightningbugirl 0]

This man is seeing 2 women. They are both 2 of the sweetest people on earth. One is a good friend, the other a terrific & beautiful person. Neither 1 knows about him seeing the other. He tells both they're very special. Both ladies are amazing people. I'm probably the only person that really knows what's going on. I haven't said anything to anyone yet & am just watching as 1 thinks she's found Mr. Right & the other one's thinking he's busy w/ work as the reason he's not spending as much time w/ her lately. What would you do in my place in this situation?

[Hooknswoop 19]

Say nothing. You'll only lose. And whatever you do, don't send the guy flowers with no name on the card.

Derek

[dropdeded 0]

, don't send the guy flowers with no name on the card.
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EXCELLENT!!! Yeah, DEFINATELY dont do that

Seriously, dont know what I'd do. Probably say nothing except to the guy. Let him know I think he's an asshole.

dropdeded

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The Dude Abides.
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[lightningbugirl 0]

It's not about me for real. I am engaged & happy. I love my guy. But, I take it though you did this before?

No judgement but why? Didn't you realize you were hurting them both? Just curious, would appreciate some insight because I had really thought the guy was an awesome person too.

[Guest]

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... One is a good friend ...

I'd tell my friend. Yeah it'll break her heart and she won't believe it at first. But he's a loser whether she finds about it now or later. (Maybe she could speak to the other woman? ) I wasn't in your shoes, but the one I knew about, both girls got preggers. Needsless to say they found out about each other then.

You can have it good, fast, or cheap: pick two.

[ChrisL 2]

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No judgement but why? Didn't you realize you were hurting them both?

He wasnt saying that he did the same thing.

He was suggesting a way to let those ladies know whats going on without putting yourself in the middle of it

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My mighty steed

[lightningbugirl 0]

Ok, my mistake. I think that it wouldn't work because they both live separate from him.
Likely he would just be like, 'Yay, flowers! Ain't I a stud!'

[bbarnhouse 0]

I guess a better question is...if you were in their shoes, what would you want YOUR friend to do?

[lightningbugirl 0]

It's between possibly being labeled a 'troublemaker' and letting them both get hurt or just watching the train wreck happen in slow mo. I would want to know but I would sort of resent who told me.

[bbarnhouse 0]

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I would want to know but I would sort of resent who told me.

Well I would want to know.
Seems to me that acts of omission are equal to a lie.

[PhreeZone 15]

Watch the train wreck. Its more fun that way. In all honesty the friends you have today probally won't be the same friends that you have in 5 years. Why get yourself in a big mess of drama expending a lot of time, effort and emotions on a situation that will be completly forgotten in a year?

On second thought... send him the flowers with out a name on them.

Yesterday is history
And tomorrow is a mystery

Parachutemanuals.com

[Hooknswoop 19]

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But, I take it though you did this before?

No, I got flowers sent to me without a name on the card

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No judgement but why? Didn't you realize you were hurting them both? Just curious, would appreciate some insight because I had really thought the guy was an awesome person too.

It rarely works out to day something.

Derek

[MikeForsythe 0]

Well, if you want to know what to do as a “true” friend then the answer is simple….be truthful.

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I would want to know but I would sort of resent who told me.

You would resent a true friend that told you the truth?

Time and pressure will always show you who a person really is!

[lawrocket 3]

Any "friend" who resents you being honest is not a true friend. Honesty is great.

Think about this - those two women are only the ones you know about. I've got an idea. Why not hang out with your friend when you know he's out with the other one. Get the "idea" to have your friend give him a call to say he needs to come on down. Find out how honest he is.

Of anything in a relationship that is bad, lying is probably the worst, and this guy is probably so full of shit his eyes are brown.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[bbarnhouse 0]

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Any "friend" who resents you being honest is not a true friend. Honesty is great.

I absolutely agree.

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Of anything in a relationship that is bad, lying is probably the worst

Indeed.

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and this guy is probably so full of shit his eyes are brown.

Or...just a plain ol' sheepshit head!

[jenfly00 0]

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This man is seeing 2 women. They are both 2 of the sweetest people on earth. One is a good friend, the other a terrific & beautiful person. Neither 1 knows about him seeing the other. He tells both they're very special. Both ladies are amazing people. I'm probably the only person that really knows what's going on. I haven't said anything to anyone yet & am just watching as 1 thinks she's found Mr. Right & the other one's thinking he's busy w/ work as the reason he's not spending as much time w/ her lately. What would you do in my place in this situation?

You can't save people from themselves and perhaps they have no desire to be 'saved'.

Allowing people to live their lives and make their own mistakes continues to be one of the hardest lessons for me to learn.

In respone to the negative comments about the guy, do we know the nature of the relationships and what promises were or were not made.

Stay out of their lives and their decisions.

jen

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"O brave new world that has such people in it".

[MikeForsythe 0]

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You can't save people from themselves and perhaps they have no desire to be 'saved'.

What their desire is has nothing to do with my being truthful? After all, we are “true” friends.

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Allowing people to live their lives and make their own mistakes continues to be one of the hardest lessons for me to learn.

And so is being truthful! You are not telling them what to do or even passing judgment.

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In respone to the negative comments about the guy, do we know the nature of the relationships and what promises were or were not made.

It does not matter nor does it have any relevance on being a true friend and being truthful.

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Stay out of their lives and their decisions.

That would be pretty hard to do since they have you in their lives as a “true” friend. As for the “decisions” part, I agree, that is up to them to do what they want.

Time and pressure will always show you who a person really is!

[jenfly00 0]

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You can't save people from themselves and perhaps they have no desire to be 'saved'.

What their desire is has nothing to do with my being truthful? After all, we are “true” friends.

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Allowing people to live their lives and make their own mistakes continues to be one of the hardest lessons for me to learn.

And so is being truthful! You are not telling them what to do or even passing judgment.

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In respone to the negative comments about the guy, do we know the nature of the relationships and what promises were or were not made.

It does not matter nor does it have any relevance on being a true friend and being truthful.

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Stay out of their lives and their decisions.

That would be pretty hard to do since they have you in their lives as a “true” friend. As for the “decisions” part, I agree, that is up to them to do what they want.

Sounds like you use 'truth' like a drunk used a lamp post ...for support rather than illumination.

A friend chose a relationship. Allow her that choice and privacy from the uninvited sword wielding of your "truth". Despite historical evicence, women seldom need rescuing and are capable of make our own decisions for our own reasons.

jen

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"O brave new world that has such people in it".

[MikeForsythe 0]

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Sounds like you use 'truth' like a drunk used a lamp post ...for support rather than illumination.

And it sounds like you fear the “truth” and are trying to make anything other than what it is…….the opposite of a lie.

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A friend chose a relationship. Allow her that choice and privacy from the uninvited sword wielding of your "truth".

I guess that is where we differ, I don’t want people that say they are and I consider my friends to not be truthful to me. I want my friends to be honest. And it is not my truth, I don’t own it, it is just a fact that stands on it’s own.

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And it is not my Despite historical evicence, women seldom need rescuing and are capable of make our own decisions for our own reasons.

Wow, do we have gender insecurity issues here? If it was reversed and a woman was seeing two guys the issue would be the same and in no way involve saving anyone. No where did I say anyone needed to be saved or be judged if what they were doing was right or wrong. On this you have only started an argument with yourself and the two of you will have to resolve that one between you.

It is clear that by what you said about me that you don’t know me. The issue I was responding to is should you be truthful and honest to a friend. Again, I for one always want my friends to be truthful. Since we live in the same area, if you ever want to get together and have a friendly truthful conversation let me know, the first drink is on me.

Time and pressure will always show you who a person really is!

[Keith 0]

I'd keep my mouth shut. I like the idea of sending flowers with no name though Better yet, send flowers to each of the women from him, but put each others names on the card

Keith

Don't Fuck with me Keith - J. Mandeville

[antifnsocial 0]

Some men (and woman because I know a few of those too) like to 'try out' as many women as possible. They keep the new interest out front and woo her. They keep the other as back-up on a string. Or maybe they think they are stud enough for both. I think that some just don't have the stones to tell the truth to a girl and let her have closure. In other words, some people are just cowards and too lazy to do something uncomfortable. They probably have a history of failed relationships and broken hearts and divorces. They probably think they are studs because of it. I have gone through it as one of the women and watched dear friends get hurst as well because of these predators. I have also seen women do the same to men. It's sick. I say confront him and tell him you know and ask him to choose and be honest or you will. Give him time, a week or so and if he doesn't then do it and risk them wanting to kill the messenger; ie. you. Some men woo like nobody's business and are very skilled at leading a woman on. I know from personal experience a man can make you feel you are the only one and yet be doing the same for about 4 or 5 other women. It happens in life, on DZ's and in here. I know it for a fact. I don't say anything simply because I don't have but a few close friends in here so far. I wouldn't trust any of the men I know from in here as far as that is concerned. That may be terrible and controversial but hey, I don't mince words, never have.

Flame on if you must. Rant over. It's just my opinion. Think what you want.

Please feel free to reply to my posts and pm's, but only if you're smart enough to understand what they really mean.

[lightningbugirl 0]

ftr I wasn't talking about anyone I know from Dz.com

[jenfly00 0]

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And it sounds like you fear the “truth” and are trying to make anything other than what it is…….the opposite of a lie.

Full oratorical splendor, eh?


"A friend chose a relationship. Allow her that choice and privacy from the uninvited sword wielding of your "truth"."

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I guess that is where we differ, I don’t want people that say they are and I consider my friends to not be truthful to me. I want my friends to be honest. And it is not my truth, I don’t own it, it is just a fact that stands on it’s own.

'Truth' is frequently wielded like a sword. Someone who is having issues with men in general decides she needs to be truthful with her friend about the guy she's dating. Being 'truthful' with the friend you would like to date concerning her boyfriend's actions. Truth does not serve an absolute good.

I would be truthful with a situation where I viewed a clear and present danger. I would be truthful in an open discussion if my friend asked my advice. I would, however, respect her privacy, her right and ability to make her own judgments and decisions rather than gallop up wielding my sword of truth and slice through her privacy because I possessed a 'truth' that must be used.

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Wow, do we have gender insecurity issues here?

Blindness to them, apparently. Mike, spend a life as a woman in our society. Some women live their lives setting situations so men can 'rescue' them. Some men (most, probably) spend their lives in anticiapation of fullfilling their tribal role by coming to the rescue. I am not the former and do not respect the latter.

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If it was reversed and a woman was seeing two guys the issue would be the same and in no way involve saving anyone. No where did I say anyone needed to be saved or be judged if what they were doing was right or wrong. On this you have only started an argument with yourself and the two of you will have to resolve that one between you.

Nowhere does a man say "I'm reinforcing my masculine role in the tribe by being considerate of your inability to handle everyday problems", but there is an element of it present.

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It is clear that by what you said about me that you don’t know me.

The question is, do you know you? :) We all need to re-examine our attitudes and actions if we are to reach a fair and just society.

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The issue I was responding to is should you be truthful and honest to a friend. Again, I for one always want my friends to be truthful. Since we live in the same area, if you ever want to get together and have a friendly truthful conversation let me know, the first drink is on me.

On the original issue, there are situations where I would choose to intrude and carve off a slice or two of 'truth'. For the most part, however, I would accept my friend's decisions as valid for her.

jen

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"O brave new world that has such people in it".

[antifnsocial 0]

I understand that. CYA and all but I am saying that it does happen in here. How would anybody know if a man or woman was having romantic relations with MANY people in here? It would be very easy to hide. We all need to just be careful. Pm's keep it so. Predators exist, in here and in the real world too. (I haven't personally had anyone treat me badly from Dz.com and have made some lovely friendships but know it happens in many forums and sure to here as well at times.)

Please feel free to reply to my posts and pm's, but only if you're smart enough to understand what they really mean.

[bbarnhouse 0]

LOL skydiving is a VERY small community. The truth will surface at some point.

In this instance I think that a friend does a disservice to the other by not saying something. She can then make an informed decision as to the direction of her life and her relationship.
Not telling her allows her to continue living a lie. It all goes to being a person of merit...or not.