Bar Rules

[NWFlyer 2]

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink, and if you get one, tip accordingly or don't expect one again.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of their response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."

67. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."

78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.

79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.

82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. 20% is the standard percentage to tip, so figure it out.

87. If the lights suddenly get really bright and the music turns off, that probably means you should head for the door.

88. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[CSpenceFLY 1]

Thats alot of rules.I may have to quit drinking.

[NWFlyer 2]

Nah, just read Rule 88.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[csbrady 0]

nevermind rule 88 cuz im already forgetting the first few as im reading them

[johnsw71 0]

You must be running some seriously long software tests if you had time to make up all those rules.

[jumpjunkie2004 0]

Yesterday, my "big" boss came in to my office and invited me to happy hour with the rest of my department. I've only been at my job about a month and I don't really feel like part of the group. So, I feel like I should go....

anyway...

I'm sure some of this will come in handy tomorrow : )

Thanks!

Jump, Land, Pack, Repeat...

[snowslider 0]

Being a bartender I enjoy reading most of these.

I strongly disagree with :

"31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one. "

Unless your having sex with me, don't touch my beer, espeacially if it's hidden.

also:

"34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge."

If you bring this shit to a party you best drink all of it yourself, maybe if your cute or have some funny jokes can you drink free imported beer. maybe.

Also, I think you should add this one; "if you have to ask how much a drink is, you can't afford to drink at a bar."

[Broke 0]

IS it ok for a man to do a sloppy blow job if a chick buys it for him?

Divot your source for all things Hillbilly.
Anvil Brother 84
SCR 14192

[snowslider 0]

No, unless your batting for your own team, guys don't do blow job shots, even if it's paid for.

IMO

[Broke 0]

how about if she buys you another shot non bj afterwords


would this also be a good time to use the I was drunk excuse?

Divot your source for all things Hillbilly.
Anvil Brother 84
SCR 14192

[NWFlyer 2]

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You must be running some seriously long software tests if you had time to make up all those rules.

It took me a long time to copy & paste it from Myspace.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[happythoughts 0]

3 rules that a friend told me.

1- Never bet money on pool. People who are losing will start inventing rules that you violated. They will become indignant that you did not honor the rules and refuse to pay anyway.

"You have to bank the 8-ball. Everybody knows that."

2- Never carry a knife in a bar. If you beat the crap out of someone, they may apologize next week and be ok with it. You pull a knife and they will catch in the parking lot another evening with a tool.

3- Never stand on principles. They are pointless, unless the point is to start something.
"You knocked over my beer. I can afford to buy myself another one, it's the principle of the thing."

[ladydyver 0]

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You must be running some seriously long software tests if you had time to make up all those rules.

It took me a long time to copy & paste it from Myspace.

Nice rules....now if I could only remember all of them

DPH # 2
"I am not sure what you are suppose to do with that, but I don't think it is suppose to flop around like that." ~Skootz~
I have a strong regard for the rules.......doc!

[jasonRose 0]

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3 rules that a friend told me.

1- Never bet money on pool. People who are losing will start inventing rules that you violated. They will become indignant that you did not honor the rules and refuse to pay anyway.

"You have to bank the 8-ball. Everybody knows that."

2- Never carry a knife in a bar. If you beat the crap out of someone, they may apologize next week and be ok with it. You pull a knife and they will catch in the parking lot another evening with a tool.

3- Never stand on principles. They are pointless, unless the point is to start something.
"You knocked over my beer. I can afford to buy myself another one, it's the principle of the thing."

I was told this rule.

1) If it fly's, floats or fucks, it is cheaper to rent.

Some day I will have the best staff in the world!!!

[FIREFLYR 0]

89. if you wear sunglasses in a bar at night, you are an asshole.
~J

"One flew East,and one flew West..............one flew over the cuckoo's nest"
"There's absolutely no excuse for the way I'm about to act"

[Skydave103 0]

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25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

Only if you have tit's. Guys should NEVER do this.

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36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.

Only at home, should you do this. Don't ask for a "flying fucking nun" and expect me to know what's in it.

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86. 20% is the standard percentage to tip, so figure it out.

I'm going to get this tatooed on my forehead!!!

Just a few of the hundreds I wanted to comment on.

LifeshouldNOTbeajourneytothegravewithawellpreservedbody,buttskidinsideways,cigarinone hand,martiniintheother,bodythoroughlyused upandscreaming:"WOO HOO!! What a ride!!!"

[snowslider 0]

The only way a girl could get me to take a blowjob shot, (the way way you customarily take them)...is if I'm getting a blow job from her at the same time, or shortly after

besides, bailey's, butterscotch and whpped cream is not a real shot, it's a stomach ache waiting to happen.

[popsjumper 2]

I don't think any of these rules apply to The Biker's Bar in Rockmart, GA.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[normiss 622]

I don't think any of these apply in ANY biker bar I've ever been in!

[NWFlyer 2]

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Just a few of the hundreds I wanted to comment on.

I figured you'd have some thoughts on it!

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke