Knowing you have only months to live

[skydivermom 0]

This is a rather somber post for the Bonfire I know, but I got some news yesterday that has me pretty upset. Mom called me and informed me that her brother only has about 6 months to live. He's the only one out of the six kids in Mom's family who lives in a different state, so we all don't get to see him that often. It just so happens that Mom is working as a nanny to my nephew in the same state where he resides, so she'll get to spend more time with him than she would otherwise.

I've dealt with death more than I thought I would in my short 33 years, and it never gets easier. Since my uncle has a few months, I have the advantage of seeing him at least one more time, and obviously I wouldn't have if he had died suddenly But how do I spend the time with him and truly enjoy it? When someone suddenly dies it seems as if it's easier to enjoy the time because you don't know what's coming. But then when you DO know, you get to say your goodbyes and take care of any unfinished business. I guess both scenarios have pros and cons.

I'm really struggling with this

Mrs. WaltAppel

All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28

[turtlespeed 212]

The time constraints are not in stone - they almost never are - It depends on the person and their will to live.

Just take it as it comes, the more you dramatize it, the more uncomfortable it will be.
[Huggs]

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[Jewels 0]

Kathleen, I'm so sorry to hear this. Putting a time frame on a lifetime is a very difficult thing to do and even when you know it could be longer than projected, it's a tough walk. Being a part of someone's progress towards death is still a tremendous privilege. The time you spend with him won't be "normal" and nothing will ever be quite the same, but it will be precious. My advice is to say what you would want to have said to him, and then just to enjoy what you can together. I don't think you have to make any grand gestures. Just spending time together and doing activities that he's up for will be special. (And it's okay to cry.

TPM Sister #102

[BillyVance 34]

Go see your uncle. I don't care how far away he lives.

My uncle is dying anytime this week. We knew he was sick with cancer for a year and last saw him last Thanksgiving, just a week before he was diagnosed.

One of the things I wanted to do when my family went up to NY/NJ was include a side trip to visit him one last time, but we were 3 days too late when he lapsed into permanent unconsciousness.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[skydivermom 0]

Thanks. He's always lived out of state from me (I live in TX and he's always been in northern CA), but has always been a permanent fixture in my life. And my mom has never lost a sibling

I think I'm going to join her other brothers and sisters (who live in TX also) and go see him for an early Thanksgiving dinner. And I have to make every effort to enjoy the time with him.

I have never been good at goodbyes.

Mrs. WaltAppel

All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28

[skydivermom 0]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience Billy I think all of us at time take for granted that life doesn't go on forever, and we think we'll get around to whenever, and that we have lots of time. It's moments like these that are the biggest wake up calls I think.

Mrs. WaltAppel

All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28

[faulknerwn 36]

I don't know how he's handling - but today at the dz we took a 12 year old boy up for a "Make a Wish" sort of thing - he's dying of cancer. He's done a lot of stuff in recent months - gotten to fly in an Apache helicopter and shoot guns, bungee jumping, and as of today, a tandem skydive. He loved it. Its a horrible shame what's happening to him, but he and his family are making sure his last months are wonderful ones.

As the country music song goes, one should always "Live like you were dying"..

[skydivermom 0]

Oh my....that's so bittersweet. I wish I could have been there to see that.

We should all definately not take life for granted.

Mrs. WaltAppel

All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28

[ImGunnaJump 0]

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We should all definately not take life for granted.

No, no we shouldn't.

I lost my oldest brother Aug. 29.

He'd been in bad health for a while now with multiple problems (heart disease, cancer, diabetes to name a few), and my head told me after he was hospitalized the last time about 5 mos. ago he probably wouldn't live out the year...you try to prepare yourself. But there was never a timetable given for when he would/could die, and you don't want to live morbidly, so you just try to carry on day to day doing the usual routines with him.

And, then, one day...you get the call.

And when it happens, you're never ready to let go.

One saving grace we got was that he died in his sleep without struggle or fear. We get a real sense of comfort from that. I also take comfort in the fact that he knew I loved him.

Skydivermom: My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...I hope you all get to experience something in the way of a 'saving grace' that will help all of you as you go down this road.

"...I've learned that while the "needs" in life are important (food, water, shelter), it's the "wants" in life (ice cream, chocolate, sex) that make it worth the effort." Kbordson

[skydivermom 0]

Thanks so much. I just keep remembering how much fun I've always had with him. Since he was the only uncle who lived out of state, it was definately quality time when we were together. Of course I've always known that I would probably outlive him, but it isn't something that hits home.....until it actually hits home.

Death sucks

Mrs. WaltAppel

All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28

[SkydiveStMarys 0]

Knowing what your belief system is, is this a goodbye or a "see ya later" type of thing?

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[skysprite 0]

I'm so sorry to hear about your Uncle. I lost the younger of my older brothers to suicide, then a couple years later my oldest brother to cancer. I wasn't what you would call close with either, but it still hit pretty hard. I often wish circumstances were different and I could have been close with both of them. I'm not sure if that's the part that hurts more, or the fact that they're not here anymore.

My parents have always had a rocky history with each of their families, so as their daughter and by extention, I have too. Because I have very little extended family in my life, I know the value of those relations (even if they can be a pain in the butt sometimes, as family sometimes is). I apologize if this post hasn't been the most uplifting, but the point is really enjoy the time left with your Uncle. You're very lucky to have him in your life, and while it will hurt when he leaves, you're a better person for knowing, loving, and being loved by him.

~skysprite

[ACMESkydiver 0]

That's what they told my aunt. And she lived about 12 more years and died of something else.

I hope your uncle has a positive outlook, and that you can help support it if he does.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[ladydyver 0]

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Oh my....that's so bittersweet. I wish I could have been there to see that.

We should all definately not take life for granted.

I treat every day as a gift.....because it is.

DPH # 2
"I am not sure what you are suppose to do with that, but I don't think it is suppose to flop around like that." ~Skootz~
I have a strong regard for the rules.......doc!

[RALFFERS 0]

Yes, death does indeed suck, but your uncle didn't die yet, and maybe he wont for some time

Dialogue/commentary between Divot, Twardo & myself -

"from your first Oshkosh when the three of us were riding to or from one of

[Broke 0]

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Oh my....that's so bittersweet. I wish I could have been there to see that.

We should all definately not take life for granted.

I treat every day as a gift.....because it is.

That's why they call it the Present

Divot your source for all things Hillbilly.
Anvil Brother 84
SCR 14192

[moodyskydiver 0]

look up the thread in the women's forum on grief that I started when my grandmother passed.Maybe some of the advice and kind words will help you.Looking back,theres so many things I wish I'd done with her and for her.If I could give any advice to anyone who is losing a loved one its remember the past.Talk to your loved one about the good times and family and enjoy every second you can while they're still here.Dont think about tomorrow or when they'll be gone,just enjoy your time to its fullest today and be sure they know you love them.

I started doing genealogy after my grandmother passed b/c it lets me know who I am and where I come from.I wish ever day that I could go back and ask questions about our family and its roots.Now its lost to me.

grief
grief part 2

"...just an earthbound misfit, I."

[popsjumper 2]

<<<>>>

By all means...go. You'll be glad you did...and so will he.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[skydivermom 0]

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Knowing what your belief system is, is this a goodbye or a "see ya later" type of thing?

Bobbi

Well, I don't think he believes in God, but there's always hope, and we never know what happens between someone and God at the last minute. And my belief system is the Bible, plain and simple.

Mrs. WaltAppel

All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28

[skydivermom 0]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. I have a formula for Essiac tea that I'm going to send to my mom (who isn't very far from him right now). It's an amazing formula that might just be exactly what he needs.

Mrs. WaltAppel

All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28

[marcandalysse 0]

I highly recommend the books by Stephen and Ondrea Levine, who have worked decades in Hospice Care and end of life situations. Books like "Who Dies", "One year to Live" and others cover a variety of perspectives similar to your questions in a very deep wise manner.

My uncle just passed away last week after an up and down bout with cancers and tumors. I am glad that everytime I had meetings in Chicago I spent time with him.

marc

"The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves so lightly." --GK Chesterton

[freefallfreak 0]

Hey...don't give up on him yet. He's fighting for life and probably wants to live a little longer so show him a good time and don't be morbid when around him. The government gave me a short time to live when I got back from Nam...I beat the hell out of them and tease the doctors at the VA about it every chance I get. I'm also a cancer survivor, have had heart bypasses, and now I'm battling Dioxin (agent orange) Cancer along with other complications, including smoking irritation to the broncial tree. I have to take four nebulizer treatments a day plus a foradil areolizer twice a day and use an albuterol inhaler 4 times a day. Needless to say,I'll never make another jump cause I can't breath at any altitude much higher than sea level. But I'm still kicking and don't expect to go before I'M ready, lol. After all, I haven't seen an expiration date stamped anywhere on me. People tend to give up on people that have a health problem but the person with it cope as best as they can and go on living without wanting sympathy. I know I don't, so just be your charming self and treat him with love and respect. He'll love and respect you all the more for it.

TripleF

"Upon seeing the shadow of a pigeon, one must resist the urge to look up."

[skydivermom 0]

I don't think I know how to be morbid....haven't been a skydiver long enough yet

Anyway, I feel a lot better now that I know my uncle is looking at all of his options instead of giving up. WE may not give up on someone, but if they've given up, there's nothing we can do. I found that out when my father died 10 years ago. I am still very young, but I've faced sickness and death several times, and I'm well aware of how different each situation is. But everytime I'm faced with a new one, it doesn't get any easier.

I'm hoping my uncle continues to keep looking at his options and doesn't give up.

Mrs. WaltAppel

All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28

[misskriss 0]

I'm very sorry about your uncle.

Oprah had a show about this very topic yesterday. In the link you can watch the final lecture of Professor Randy Pausch. It's amazing.



http://www2.oprah.com/health/oz/oz_20071022_350_106.jhtml?promocode=HP23

[skydivermom 0]

My uncle passed suddenly this morning....on his huge back porch, with the view of the little volcanoe I will always remember as a child. Apparently he was complaining of not being able to breathe, and his wife went inside to get the oxygen. I think he was still alive when she came back, but obviously the oxygen was no help because his lungs were full of fluid. At least he died in his favorite place....with a spectacular view.

My last moments with him were spent on that porch when I visited him about three years ago. He was proudly playing with his remote control fart machine, and bragging about how he would sit in his car in front of a drug store or something, place the device at the entrance and wait until a couple of old ladies walked by. This was part of his retirement entertainment. He was quite a guy....and will be horribly missed by all of us.

And today was already significant to me because it was my dad's birthday.....and he passed away in 1997

Mrs. WaltAppel

All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28