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The Chemistry Exam The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities. (1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. (2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then: (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic. The student got the only A.

>> A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. >> The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him >> a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing >> but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. >> >> She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. >> The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' >> Without a second thought, he takes off after her. >> A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. >> The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. >> On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. >> >> He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. >> The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands >> the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. >> She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, >> 'If you catch me you can have me'. >> Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. >> This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. >> So for the next four days, the same routine happens >> with him gradually getting in better and better shape. >> >> Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, >> he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. >> He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program >> >> 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. >> 'This is our most rigorous program.' >> 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' >> The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds >> a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes >> and a sign around his neck that reads, >> 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.' >> >> He lost 63 pounds that week

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God. > 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. > It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.' > And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'. > 'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' > And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. > Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. > 'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?' > 'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' > God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?' > Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story?

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials of dead goldfish, the story that follows will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do... "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." "What!?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with sarcasm!) By now, the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um...masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just...just...excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing again with laughter. Two lizards: $140 One Cage: $50 Trip to the vet: $30 Memory of husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!! Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her Hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth And allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Old joke, I guess I should have updated it!

Booooo......... Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They E-mailed. They E-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed.. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all of his work and I don't have any?" God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh? Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." " What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "'Hey, this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that."

> Subject: Signs> > > *SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READs:*> We will heel you> We will save your sole> We will even dye for you.> > *A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:*> “Blind man driving.”> > *Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:*> "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”> > *In a Podiatrist's office:*> "Time wounds all heels.”> > *On a Septic Tank Truck*:> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels> > *At an Optometrist's Office*:> "If you don't see what you're looking for,> You've come to the right place.”> > *On a Plumber's truck*:> "We repair what your husband fixed.”> > *On another Plumber's truck*:> "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”> > *At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee *:> "Invite us to your next blowout.”> > *On an Electrician's truck*:> "Let us remove your shorts.”> > *In a Non-smoking Area:*> "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take> appropriate action.”> > *On a Maternity Room door*:> "Push. Push. Push.”> > *At a Car Dealership*:> "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”> > *Outside a Muffler Shop:*> "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”> > *In a Veterinarian's waiting room*:> "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”> > *At the Electric Company:*> "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However,> if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”> > *In a Restaurant window:*> "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”> > *In the front yard of a Funeral Home*:> "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”> > *At a Propane Filling Station:*> "Thank Heaven for little grills.”> > *In a Chicago Radiator Shop:*> "Best place in town to take a leak.”> > *And the best one for last...;*> Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:> “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance." "They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: "No Jews please." Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers." "One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design." "The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate." "The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech." "Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and a medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ." Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer, and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous. At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake." "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldstein never makes mistakes."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday."

When you're over seventy I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of cute you gotta a phone number?" I said, "Yea you gotta pen?" She said "Yea", I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you". Cost me 6 stitches When you are over seventy . . .who givesa ***

A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children would they choose to do this?The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.""I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone.

Sarcasm for the Day... 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry. 4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. 5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body. 6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom. 7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. 8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. 9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan? 10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

If two people with the clap have sex, is that considered a round of applause?

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." Then he made the earth round and He laughed and laughed

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and Proclaims,. "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, ..I will give him sex!" There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,...'Screw him'!"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack."Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"(You're gonna love this.)The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying or dating nymphomaniacs. The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves.... but the maniac stays.

Snotty Receptionist… Yesterday I had an appointment to see a urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge either because all my friends have gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE AS ELMER THOMPSON & YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.” The room erupted in applause! DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!