Groaners........

[Greg 0]

Hee he he he ha ha ha ha ha ha........hmmmmmmmm.
I got a big ole smile today, I want to share it.
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them, and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen; only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it "the herd shot 'round the world".
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as "the lesser of two weevils".
4. Two Eskimos became very chilly while sitting in a kayak, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
5. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But, why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, again proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. Finally, there was a man who e-mailed 10 different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. <<.....SORRY

[mountainman 0]

How do you get a hotdog to roll??
Put it on a hill.
MORE SKYDIVING PHOTOS ADDED!!!
http://home.woh.rr.com/brandonandlaura/

[SpeedRacer 1]

Shouldn't that be: "How do you make a hotdog roll?"
Speed Racer
Brew Skies

[Greg 0]

Some comments that might amuse you:

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him"
(NZ rugby commentator)

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992).
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
(Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
(Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball "
(John Francombe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
(Terry Venables)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
(David Coleman)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio)

" and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."
(Sue Barker)

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class"
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them........... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(US TV commentator)

[flyhi 24]

1. Man walks into a psychiatrists office and says I've been having weird dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. What's going on with that? The shrinkologist says, "Your problem is obvious. You're two tents."
2. Man walks into a restaurant and orders Eggs Benedict on a Hubcap. Waitress says, "Why do you want that?" Man says, "Everyone knows there's no place like chrome for the hollandaise."

[SpeedRacer 1]

ROTFLMAO, Greg! Oh, the brilliant minds of sports commentators!!
Speed Racer
Brew Skies

[Greg 0]

As I sit here enjoying my five flavor lifesavers, it reminds me of a joke (go figgure, just about everything reminds me of a joke).
A fourth grade teacher is teaching her class about the sense of taste. To help illustrate this, she brings in a big box of assorted lifesavers and passes them around to the kids. In turn the teacher has each child close thier eyes while she picks one of the lifesavers and puts it into the childs mouth, and then asks the child to identify the flavor. All goes well through Orange, Lemon, Cherry, and so on until she tries the "honey" flavored one. This one has the children stumped, so the teacher gives the class a little hint......."its something your parents may call each other around the house". There is a slight pause, then one of the kids yells out "spit them out guys, thier assholes!!"
Bwwwwaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

[freaksister 0]

HAHAHAHAHAHA
Ya'll are cracking me up today!! Thanks!!
Sis
"What we're all really seeking is something where we can feel the rapture of being alive."J.Campbell

[jake69 0]

Here is one you might like: a student on his first jump decides he does not want to jump after all, so he tells the Jumpmaster. The jumpmaster shouts, "If you don't jump from this plane right now I'm going to screw you in the ass"! The next day the student goes to his job and his co-workers ask, "so did you jump"?
Yeah, a little at first.
blue skies and fly free....................Jake

[Greg 0]

So I look at the clock and "holy" crap, its just about lunch time, that reminds me of a joke........
Jesus is on the cross up on the hill, he looks into the crowd of followers and morners milling about at the foot of the hill and sees one of his deciples, Paul in the crowd, weeping.
Jesus calls out "Paul!!, Paul!!!!"
Paul hears Jesus's calls over the din and murmer and thinks to himself, "Jesus needs me, I must go to him and see what he needs" So Paul jumps over the fence, fights his way through the crowd of Roman guards and tries to get up the hill to Jesus. He gets about half way up the hill and one of the guards catches him from behind, throws him to the ground, hacks off his arm, and throws him back over the fence into the crowd.
A few minutes pass and Jesus again calls out "Paul!!! Paul!!!!!"
Pauls hears this and thinks to himself, "certainly Jesus just saw what happened, this must be improtant, Jesus needs me" So Paul jumps over the fence, fights his way through the crowd of Roman guards and tries to get up the hill to Jesus. He gets about half way up the hill and again, one of the guards catches him from behind, throws him to the ground, hacks off his other arm, and throws him back over the fence into the crowd.
A few minutes pass and Jesus again calls out "Paul!!! Paul!!!!!"
Pauls hears this and thinks to himself, "certainly Jesus just saw what happened again, this must be really, really improtant, there must be millions of innocent peoples lives at stake, Jesus needs me" So Paul jumps over the fence, fights his way through the crowd of Roman guards and tries to get up the hill to Jesus. He gets about half way up the hill and again, one of the guards catches him from behind, throws him to the ground, hacks off his leg, and throws him back over the fence into the crowd.
A few minutes pass and Jesus again calls out "Paul!!! Paul!!!!!"
Pauls hears this and thinks to himself, "certainly Jesus just saw what happened again, this must be really, really improtant, the fate of the world is at stake, Jesus needs me" So Paul jumps over the fence, fights his way through the crowd of Roman guards and tries to get up the hill to Jesus. He gets about half way up the hill and again, one of the guards catches him from behind, throws him to the ground, hacks off his other leg, and throws him back over the fence into the crowd.
A few minutes pass and Jesus again calls out "Paul!!! Paul!!!!!"
Pauls hears this and thinks to himself, "certainly Jesus just saw what happened again, this must be really, really improtant, but there is no way for me to get to him" So Paul decides to answer back, "what is it my lord, what is it that you need from me, what is so important"
And Jesus calls back, "I can see your house from here!!"
Bwwwwwaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

[PalmettoTiger 1]

Hey Greg, speaking of groaners, I think you almost took the cake with your post about your "static line" "night jump" out of a "beaver." The only thing you didn't explain was whether you got "baglock" or not.
Blues, squares,
PTiger

[Greg 0]

Quote

The only thing you didn't explain was whether you got "baglock" or not

Yeah, I got baglock alright, sheesh!!! I had to have my JM (doctor) help me cut that nasty thing away after exit!! To bad I did not get video of that malfunction!! lol

[Greg 0]

COLLEGE COMPARISONS:

(1) What does the average Texas player get on his SAT's?
Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Alabama cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a Wisconsin cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push like hell.

(4) How do you get a Michigan State graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

(5) Why do the Texas A & M cheerleaders wear bibs?
To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

(6) Why do they no longer serve ice at Nebraska football games?
The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

(7) Why is the SMU football team like a possum?
Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

(8) What are the longest three years of a Michigan football player's life?
His freshman year.

(9) How many Oklahoma State freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
None.....That's a sophomore course at OSU.

(10) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
Waco, TX ......He knew that no one would ever look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

(11) Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?
You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash on the highway, the rest of the week.