funny jokes

[SpeedRacer 1]

A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state fora short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going.
The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests! The lawyer explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyerhears the sound of two gun shots, a scream, some loud thumps, and finally, two splashes.
The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"
"Yes," she replies.
The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"
"I threw them in the pool," she responds.
There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the pool?"
"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.
"Uh, is this 555-8234?"
Speed Racer
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind
-Bogart

[fonz 0]

Quote

"Uh, is this 555-8234?"

LOL!
Alphons
http://www.liacs.nl/~avwerven

[SpeedRacer 1]

The sniper
Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.'
So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?'
The hit man replies, 'Sure.'
So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!' This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit.
The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'
Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.'
The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for?
The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'

Speed Racer
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind
-Bogart

[Strynx 0]

LOL!

[mountainman 0]

Awesome jokes SR!!! Keep em coming!!!
--------------
click me for a good time

[chickenhawk420 0]

Panda escapes from the zoo and goes to the nearest pub, sits down with a pint when a fine not so young female asks him back to her place for sex. Panda being on the run and horny goes back to her flat.
Panda asks if he can get something to eat, sure says the woman help yourself. The panda, starving eats, everything, leaving every cupboard empty, the fridge bare.
Finally they get down to it and fall asleep. In the morning the woman wakes to see the panda leaving.
"OI!! wheres my money." demands the woman. The panda looks confused and shrugs. So the woman tells him shes a pro but he looks even more confused. The pada looks up prostitute in the dictionary "Sells sex for money".
He hands her the dictionary "so look up panda"
"Eats, shoots and leaves"

[fonz 0]

I quickly translated these from Dutch, so the English might be a bit crappy. But here goes anyway:
Two vampires are hanging in a belfry. One says "Man, do I have an appetite!" The other vampire replies "You'd better not go out anymore. It's almost getting light." "But I really need something now!", the first vampire protests. "Ah well. It's your call. But you'd better not..." the second vampire tries. "Fuck it, I'm going! I'll be back very fast." the first one insists. And out he goes. Within a few seconds, he's back already, with blood all over his mouth and nose. "Gee. How did you do that so fast?" the second vampire wonders. "Well", begins the first vampire, pointing at a nearby lamppost, "do you see that lamppost over there?" "Sure", replies the second vampire. To which the first vampire replies: "I didn't!"
A couple of nights later, the first vampire is happily flying around when he meets an English vampire. After the usual greeting and idle chit-chat, our vampire suggests: "Shall we grab a drink?" "Sure, that'd be nice", the English vampire replies. So they fly into a pub and sit down at the bar. "What are you guys having?", asks the bar tender.
"I'll have a pint of AB-positieve blood please", orders the first vampire. The bar tender pours a pint of blood and sets it down in front of the first vampire. "And you?", does he ask the English vampire. "I'll have a pint of hot water", is the answer. The bar tender frowns, but pours the English vampire what he ordered anyway. The first vampire is completely puzzled and asks the English vampire: "What the fuck is that???" The English vampire raises his eyebrows, picks a used tampon from his pocket and in a dry voice announces: "Tea time!"
Disclaimer:
This is intended as a humorous post. It is not my intention to insult any vampires or lampposts. If you are offended by these jokes, don't read them again. Please don't start flaming me, for I will probably ignore it anyway.
Alphons
http://www.liacs.nl/~avwerven

[FallinWoman 1]

so gross..so funny!!!

[ramon 0]

Save this for Sat night at DZ
These two guys are in a boat in the ocean and the first guy says. "Hey we're in a boat", and the second guy says "yep'.
or no?
ok here is a real joke
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[SpeedRacer 1]

You might be a redneck Jedi if...
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees."
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene
Speed Racer
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind
-Bogart

[SpeedRacer 1]

If I were a Jedi...
State trooper: Step out of the car. I'll need to give you a breathalyzer...
Speed Racer: <>You don't need to give me a breathalyzer...
State trooper: I don't need to give you a breathalyzer
SpeedRacer: I can go about my business....
State Trooper: You can go about your business.
Speed Racer: ...(Move along)..
State Trooper: Move along!
Speed Racer
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind
-Bogart

[wceviper 0]

The Devils Wife
One day 3 friends were in hell, and very bored. So they decided to mess with the devils wife. Charm her, sexual favors, the whole nine yards. Well The devil caught them and gave them a fair warning, "Don't mess with my wife or else".
A few weeks go by and the devil catches them again. He says, "That’s it, your coming with me!" and takes them to a fire pit in hell.
The devil turned to the first guy and asks, "What did your dad do for a living?” He replied, "My dad was a meat cutter." The devil then put his balls on the table and chopped them off.
Then the devil turns to the second guy and asks the same question. He replied with a scared tone, "My dad was a cook?!?" So the devil got a frying pan out and fried his balls off!
All of the sudden the third guy starts laughing hysterically! The devil turned to him and said, "What’s so funny, your next!” He promptly replied, "My Dad was an Ice cream Man, you'll have to lick my balls off!"
The end
-Jason