More Friday Funnies...

[Sebazz1 2]

Seeing-eye Pilots

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.

The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."


Also there are some cartoons attached they may not be safe for work...

[TheBile 0]

Who is in Charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !

---

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a Proctologist" I informed him.
A puzzled look appears on the cop's face. "A Proctologist ?"
I responded, "Yeah, you know, a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

---

See if you can do this, read each line aloud.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is Muppet cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top. Betcha you
can't resist passing it on.

Gerb

I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !

[nws01 0]

Quite a collection of funnies you have there, Sebazz. Those made me laugh.

[ernokaikkonen 0]

>"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream
>too late, and we're all gonna die."

[sunshine 2]

Quote

Quite a collection of funnies you have there, Sebazz. Those made me laugh.

Well at least we know he'll keep us entertained on the way to Eloy.

___________________________________________
meow

I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug!

[pop 0]

on that last attachment of the girl doing the limbo....is she holding her underwear in her left hand?

7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer

[Sassy 0]

Down South, Bubbette called her attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer? "Yes, Bubbette, sure is true." responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?" "Sure is Bubbette. But why you asking?" "Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly men I've slept with?
**************************************
Three little old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

[Magistr8 0]

More funnies


I really think the last one is good.

"Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools." Napoleon Bonaparte

[wmw999 2,167]

The "Asian Restaurant" is (or actually was) in Clear Lake City, TX about 1 mile from where I am right now. It was a branch, and the main one is a really good restaurant. It's also right down the road from Fuqua street...
Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[wmw999 2,167]

A camel and an elephant met
The elephant asked the camel:
"Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel, clearly irritated by this outrage of modesty, replied:
What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face.
Wendy W.
(obviously copy/paste leaves a little to be desired -- I shoulda used "preview")

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[AggieDave 6]

Formatting not working.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[geanky 0]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded...
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred....

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduced them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to a different island.

The two Japanese men faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whisky. However, they are happy because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her a lot better than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a cell phone with them so they could call 911 and get them all rescued from this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere... so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

learn to fly in 3d

[wmw999 2,167]

A long one: HOW TO HUNT ELEPHANTS
- ---------------------
How do you hunt elephants..?
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate excercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an excercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by excercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the 1st animal they see N times & call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as DESKTOP ELEPHANTS.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[Magistr8 0]

Actual English Subtitles Used In Hong Kong Films

THIS IS LONG

I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken

Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.
I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and
leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits
and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.

I have been scared silly too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together
and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some but
of the giant lizard person.

You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.


And a pic for good measure.

"Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools." Napoleon Bonaparte

[mujie96 0]

Subtitle from a sex scene in a Chinese movie:
I will pound you, You're soft as dough. I will pound you.
Jess

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming....

[Magistr8 0]

I have some rather XXXplicit videos here and one line reads

"Clothes on floor makes it easy for me to enter to you now"

I laugh

"Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools." Napoleon Bonaparte

[Guest]

Q. If you see two potatoes standing on a streetcorner, how can you tell which one is a prostitute?

A. It's the one with the label that reads "Idaho".

"The mouse does not know life until it is in the mouth of the cat."

[Sassy 0]

OMG!!!!! That is the best laugh I've had all week
I'll be chuckling over that one the rest of the day