TheBile 0 #1 October 21, 2002 If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while SCUBA diving. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any part of the building without difficulty. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. The Eifel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. People on TV never finish their drinks. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. The chief of police is always black. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. Wearing a singlet/vest or stripping to the waste can make a man invulnerable to bullets. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's in the middle of the afternoon. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. All single women have a cat Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from side to side every few moments. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello ?, Hello ?" Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings, especially if any of their family or friends died in a strange boating accident. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving matial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage, despite laying entire cities to waste. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, it's internal gravity system is never damaged. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity. You can always find a chainsaw whenever your likely to need one. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday Many musical instruments, especially wind instruments and accordians, can be played without moving the fingers. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. When a married couple go to bed, it is traditional for the husband to turn off his light and try to sleep first whilst his wife reads a book. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. All superheroes and supervillains know how to design, create and sow their own costumes within 24 hours, where it would take a fasion house 3 months to do the same job. The most successful detective in any precinct is the one that has problems with alcohol, marriage and authority. During a bar fight, it is customary to throw a chair over the bar to destroy as many bottles and mirrors as you can.Gerb I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nacmacfeegle 0 #2 October 21, 2002 Bile, my celtic cousin....you missed a few.. You can talk in freefall. Freefall lasts forever. All skydivers are 'radical dudes'. All DZs look like a scene from Fandango. Opening parachutes sound like a duvet cover being aired.-------------------- He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me. Thomas Jefferson Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheBile 0 #3 October 21, 2002 You can talk in freefall. - You can, unless my JM's were yanking my chain whilst I've been calling my altitude out to them. Freefall lasts forever. - It could do if you got the orbit right. All skydivers are 'radical dudes'. - Well we have to be to do this shit. All DZs look like a scene from Fandango. - Ok, I'll give you that one. Opening parachutes sound like a duvet cover being aired. - I'm giggling too much to refute. PS - I noticed your beer 'Easter Egg'. Sorry mate, but I'm skint. Gerb I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
apoil 0 #4 October 21, 2002 how about: - everyone has sex on the first date. In fact they go straight from meeting each other to pulling each others clothes off and having sex in the kitchen. - all blind people have the ability to "see" things that normally sighted people cannot. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkydiveMonkey 0 #5 October 21, 2002 Quote All DZs look like a scene from Fandango Don't they ____________________ Say no to subliminal messages Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jtval 0 #6 October 21, 2002 -all midgets are just drunken small people mostly playing bit parts! I know that has nothing to do with the post, but midgets are like boobies, in a sense. every time you say the word the most vivid picture pops in your head!My photos My Videos Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sunshine 2 #7 October 22, 2002 Quoteall midgets are just drunken small people mostly playing bit parts! I know that has nothing to do with the post, but midgets are like boobies, in a sense. every time you say the word the most vivid picture pops in your head! OMG. That is so funny. I'm so glad i read that at home where there's nobody to look at me funny for laughing so much. ___________________________________________ meow I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jtval 0 #8 October 22, 2002 hahah glad someone laughed! now wipe you nose you got milk coming out of it!My photos My Videos Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JJohnson 0 #9 October 23, 2002 Friggin classic!!! JJJJ "Call me Darth Balls" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
konradptr 0 #10 October 23, 2002 I was watching the two skydiving parts in Point Break, and if it wasn't for the big screen, people would never know that skydive rigs have leg straps. In every scene, they just throw them on like backpacks and go for a 4-5 minute freefall from 6k... ------------------------------------------ Getting banned isn't that bad...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #11 October 23, 2002 Quotehahah glad someone laughed! now wipe you nose you got milk coming out of it! When calves laugh, does milk come out of their noses? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lolie 0 #12 October 23, 2002 Quote When calves laugh, does milk come out of their noses? Um... DO calves laugh?? -Miranda you shall above all things be glad and young / For if you're young,whatever life you wear it will become you;and if you are glad / whatever's living will yourself become. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
