Xmas funnies

[lummy 4]

Hope these haven't been done yet


On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse."

I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. eat sushi, get smoochieTTK#1

[blondeflyer7 0]

thanks.....hehehehehe...I needed that today...makes life a little less serious

[bbarnhouse 0]

Bwahhhhhh! thanks Lummsters! Looking forward to the Sunset Swooping Tango Tango Dancers and their rendition of the "Lummy" dance

[lummy 4]

you're welcome...

and more

To: All Concerned

From: Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas, Colo. and Mn. on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

Member of North American Fairies and Elves, Union 1225

I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. eat sushi, get smoochieTTK#1

[lummy 4]

LOL.... you're welcomes too Bets..... Now we should REALLY talk about that Lummy dance ;)

I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. eat sushi, get smoochieTTK#1

[blondeflyer7 0]

Quote

you're welcome...

and more

To: All Concerned

From: Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas, Colo. and Mn. on Christmas Eve.

I've got ALOT of people to call.....hehehhehe

[outofit 0]

ROTHFLMFAO!

It is better to be dead and cool than alive and uncool!

[Yoshi 0]

twas the night before christmas and all through the house
everyone was stirring even the mouse
mom at the whorehouse dad smoking grass
I just settled down for a nice peice of ass
when out on the lawn I saw a big dick
and I knew in a moment it must be saint nick
he came down the chimmney like a bat out of hell
I knew as I saw him the fucker had fell
he filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer
he rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch blew my chimney apart
he cursed and he swore as he flew out of sight
PISS ON YOU ALL AND HAVE ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!



thought this would fit in here:)
-yoshi

_________________________________________
this space for rent.

[ScottishJohn 25]

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when
the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party
official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied:


"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[quatorze 1]

ba dum dum ching

I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle

[gravitysurf808 0]

Years ago one particular Christmas, Santa Claus was not having a good season.

A few days before Christmas Eve he decided to check on his readiness for the big night. He went to check on the reindeer only to find that 4 were sick with the flu and would not be able to pull his sleigh Chrismas Eve.

Perturbed with this fact he decided to go check on the status on his toy production. Due to an elf labor strike that season he resorted to hiring scabs. As he entered the toy factory is was immediately obvious that the scabs were way behind schedule and would have enough toys for all the kids at Christmas.

Distraught Santa decided to stroll down to the local North Pole pub and have a glass of his favorite Brandy. The bar keep at the pub informed Santa that they had sold the last of the Brandy and there wouldn't be more until next week.

Sinking into deep depression Santa decided to just go home and sit by the fire. Once he arrived at home he discovered a dear john letter left by Mrs. Claus stating that she was taking all her things and leaving Santa for another man.

At that very moment there was a knock at the front door.

When Santa opened the door there stood an Angel holding up a Christmas tree.

The Angel said....

"Here's the Christmas tree you ordered sir. Where would you like me to put it??"

And that my friends is the story of why the angel is on top of the tree.