Muenkel 0 #1 December 26, 2002 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. ****************************************************************************************** EVER WONDER...?! Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? *************************************************************** In case you needed further proof... ...that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos: .. You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) _________________________________________ Chris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ladyskydiver 0 #2 December 26, 2002 lol Thanks!Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #3 December 26, 2002 I have one for you: If vegetarians eat vegetables, WHAT THE HELL DO HUMANITARIANS eat? __________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jessd 0 #4 December 26, 2002 Very funny stuff ... "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away..." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freefallfreak 0 #5 December 26, 2002 Quote If vegetarians eat vegetables, WHAT THE HELL DO HUMANITARIANS eat? ROFLMAO FFF "Upon seeing the shadow of a pigeon, one must resist the urge to look up." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sharpfive 0 #6 December 26, 2002 HILARIOUS!! Thanks Why do they call it freefall when it costs $20.00 a pop? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #7 December 26, 2002 QuoteHILARIOUS!! Thanks Why do they call it freefall when it costs $20.00 a pop? Freefall is free. You aren't being charged for falling. You are being charged for the ride up. Base jumping is free. You just need to figure out how to get to 13,500 without the plane, then there would be no cost to skydiving. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #8 December 26, 2002 Quote You just need to figure out how to get to 13,500 without the plane, then there would be no cost to skydiving. Well...you can always climb Mount Everest and jump off the summit, it's about that high. __________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lippy 790 #9 December 26, 2002 Quote You just need to figure out how to get to 13,500 without the plane, then there would be no cost to skydiving. I'm working on my slingshot as we speakI got nuthin Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ernokaikkonen 0 #10 December 26, 2002 Quote Well...you can always climb Mount Everest and jump off the summit, it's about that high. Actually the height of Mt. Everest is 29035ft. There also are cliffs much better suited for jumping in the Himalayas, but unfortunately none of them are very easily accessible. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #11 December 26, 2002 Quote Actually the height of Mt. Everest is 29035ft. There also are cliffs much better suited for jumping in the Himalayas, but unfortunately none of them are very easily accessible. Oh well..in that case: 'Caravan load 12, 10 minutes call!!!!'__________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
quatorze 1 #12 December 27, 2002 Quote I'm working on my slingshot as we speak Uh....No. Did you miss the Bugs Bunny and Tweety show growing up? I really don't want to be the next Wile E. Coyote I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freefallfreak 0 #13 December 27, 2002 Quote Quote I'm working on my slingshot as we speak Quote Uh....No. Did you miss the Bugs Bunny and Tweety show growing up? I really don't want to be the next Wile E. Coyote Ahh, is Lippy the one responsible for the defective Acme products?? FFF "Upon seeing the shadow of a pigeon, one must resist the urge to look up." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
