Tuesday funnies

[happythoughts 0]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position in sales. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "You have incredible qualifications. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking." So, the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country." "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" said the interviewer. "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[airtwardo 6]

What it's like livin' in TEXAS;

There is a bill before the state congress to expedite the execution of "some" death sentences...in cases where the person is obviously guilty. One appeal can be granted, if the verdict holds... 7 days later the sentence is carried out.
Many states are trying to abolish the death penalty-
Mine is putting in an express lane!!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[vanillasky11 0]

Two broom were hanging in the closet. Eventually, they decided to marry. One was, of course, the bride broom. The other was the groom broom. Following the wedding, at the reception, the bride broom said to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a little whisk broom!" "Impossible!" said the broom broom. "We haven't even swept together."

"You haven't seen a tree until you've seen its shadow from the sky." -- Amelia Earhart

[jumperconway 0]

> A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while
>he
> > was performing colonoscopies:
> >
> >
> > 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
> >
> > 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
> >
> > 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
> >
> > 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
> >
> > 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
> >
> > 6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
> >
> > 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
> >
> > 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
> > Hokey Pokey...."
> >
> > 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
> >
> > 10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
> >
> > 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
> >
> > 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
> >
> > 13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,
>in
> > fact, up there?"

[n2skdvn 0]

A very flat Chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith
for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her,
"Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the
top of your nipples and say, "Scooby, Dooby, Doobies.
I want bigger boobies."
She did this every day faithfully for several months,
and it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she
was running late and as she sat on the bus she
remembered that she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she was so proud of her new boobs she
didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the
middle of the bus and said, "Scooby, Dooby, Doobies.
I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr.
Smith by any chance?" Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory, Dickory Dock . . ."

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[Sebazz1 2]

Quote

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

"Can you feel me now?"

[n2skdvn 0]

***IMPORTANT NOTICE***

ALL K-MART AND WALMART STORES IN IRAQ
WILL BE CLOSED IMMEDIATELY.
THEY WILL BE REPLACED WITH TARGETS.

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[jumperconway 0]

Quote

What it's like livin' in TEXAS;

There is a bill before the state congress to expedite the execution of "some" death sentences...in cases where the person is obviously guilty. One appeal can be granted, if the verdict holds... 7 days later the sentence is carried out.
Many states are trying to abolish the death penalty-
Mine is putting in an express lane!!

It's about time!

[sharpfive 0]

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Hey, is this a joke?"

[BoobieCootie 0]

Quote

THEY WILL BE REPLACED WITH TARGETS.

As for the boobies... Post pictures.

[airtwardo 6]

You forgot one:
Hey doc...can you stick in another finger???
I'd like to get a second opinion!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[jumperconway 0]

new Missouri quarter

[BoobieCootie 0]

That'd be a keeper

[airtwardo 6]

Top Ten New Slogans For United Airlines

10. "If You Liked 'Ocean's 11,' You'll Love Chapter 11!"

9. "Built On Tradition, Held Together With Duct Tape".

8. "Fly The Increasingly Disgruntled Skies".

7. "No Executive Fraud, Just Good Old-Fashioned Mismanagement"

6. "You Really Haven't Flown Until Your Plane Is Piloted By A Drunk Man
About To Lose His Job."

5. "Don't Let The Billion Dollar Debt Scare You. We'll Win It Back In
Vegas."

4. "Even Though We're Broke, We Don't Water Down Our Drinks Like The
Bastards At American."

3. "At Least We Don't Make You Buy Two Seats If You're Fat."

2. "If You People Hadn't Kept Asking For Extra Peanuts, We Wouldn't Be
In This Mess."

1. "Maybe We Shouldn't Have Been So Friendly."

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[blewaway5 0]

I love my state

Truman Sparks for President

[pds 0]

whaddaya say to a girl with no tits?



nuthin.



(dodging flames)

namaste, motherfucker.

[LeftBehind 0]

Quote

Many states are trying to abolish the death penalty-
Mine is putting in an express lane!!

As well they should, I really like the way they are doing it too. Get everyone to agree they are guilty, give them one last shot at freedom, then give them their last shot ever!

Quote "So there I was, No shit 30 seconds from Death..."

[QuickDraw 0]

Subject: Prawn joke

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
patrolled the area.


Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at
being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries
bout

being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod
appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned
into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being
eaten by his old mate.


Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming
bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever
he

came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance
was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees
the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that
the
fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him
back

so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in
his

tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a
cocktail.


(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).


Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best
friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set

off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your
old
friend, come out and see me again. "Christian replied "No way man, you'll
eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried
back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."


Punch line >"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".
LMFAO

-- Hope you don't die. --

I'm fucking winning

[jumperconway 0]

Subject: CloneAID releases photo
>
>
> > January 9, 2003 AP -- In a bold move that startled the global
> > scientific community, the group known as CloneAID today released a
> > picture of its cloned offspring dubbed "Eve".
>
> > Those who oppose cloning were quick to react
> > by saying that this is exactly what they feared most:
> > laboratory-produced misfits with substandard mental abilities,
> > lacking any socially redeeming qualities.
>
> > After performing personality and brainwave tests on the clone, even
> > the top CloneAID scientists agreed that if this was the best they
> > could do, cloning should be forever banned.
> >

[Deleted 0]

I love Texas. I just don't understand it.