Cornholio 0 #1 December 23, 2003 I did a search and did not see this posted yet. This has to be the funniest Christmas joke I've heard. It's been around quite a few years. December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour which, I think, was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the fucking slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her. December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!! December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted. December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? Butthead: Whoa! Burritos for breakfast! Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Cool! bellyflier on the dz.com hybrid record jump Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hooked 0 #2 December 23, 2003 I don't remember it ever posted here. I have seen it before in a couple of versions. Very, very funny! J -------------------------------------- Sometimes we're just being Humans.....But we're always Human Beings. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gulaz 1 #3 December 23, 2003 Thats great! Kinda reminds me of a christmas when I was small, I remember walking down the sidewalk, and not being able to see over the piles of snow shoveled along the sides. (course, I was probably only 3' tall at the time, but it seemed like lots Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RoadRash 0 #4 December 23, 2003 LoL...sounds like Indiana a few years ago!!!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Fly the friendly skies...^_^...})ii({...^_~... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sdgregory 0 #5 December 23, 2003 That is exactly how I Feel tright now! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumpinfarmer 0 #6 December 24, 2003 It could only be lake effect. Those of you that live near the great lakes know what I'm talking about. We get hammered when the wind is in the wrong direction. Last Christmas we had 18" and I had to plow all day that sucked. I like snow and like to brag about how much we get but I start to get sick of it by about February. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #7 December 24, 2003 I think whoever wrote that MUST have been from Cleveland. It was raining when I went in to work today. It was raining when I walked outside to leave work. 10 minutes later when I got to my car.....it was snowing. AGAIN...... At least in Montana snow has a FREAKIN purpose other than just annoying me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumpinfarmer 0 #8 December 24, 2003 My aunt lives in Buffalo. two years ago they had over 80" of snow during three days just before Christmas. After that they never had anymore all season. Last year my cousin who lives in Boonville (yes it is a real place) just east of Lake Ontario had over 110" on the ground at once. He has a dairy farm and had to get in the barn from a hay mow door that was normaly 10' above the ground one morning. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
