"Dark and Stormy Night" literature at its best....

[BillyVance 34]

These came from the annual "Dark and Stormy Night" competition. Actual analogies, similes and metaphors found in high school essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like a Cape Breton coal miner. But unlike the Cap er, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was a Canadian tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[redwings 0]

I got through No. 1 and I just ...

Why don't you just go to the police station in a red clown suit and let everybody know what we're doing here?

I have a phobia for moobs. Thanks, youknowwhoyouare.

[BillyVance 34]

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I got through No. 1 and I just ...

High school kids.... what can I say???

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[redwings 0]

I'll cry as soon as I stop laughing. Really? This is what the education system produced?

But dayem.... that's gonna bring some laughs at the newsroom. Thanks!

Why don't you just go to the police station in a red clown suit and let everybody know what we're doing here?

I have a phobia for moobs. Thanks, youknowwhoyouare.

[LisaH 0]

These can't be real. Where is the source?

Be yourself!
MooOOooOoo

[freethefly 6]

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These can't be real. Where is the source?

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

Maybe not the same competition but maybe the inspiration

"...And once you're gone, you can't come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black."
Neil Young

[Esquilax 0]

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Quote

These can't be real. Where is the source?

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

Maybe not the same competition but maybe the inspiration

Post more Gaucho photos!

Ostriches and rheas are the only birds that urinate and defecate separately. They read Parachutist while doing #2.

[LisaH 0]

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Quote

These can't be real. Where is the source?

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

Maybe not the same competition but maybe the inspiration

Oh my.

Be yourself!
MooOOooOoo

[freethefly 6]

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/lyttony.htm

The 1985 winner: The countdown had stalled at T minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably--the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career.
--Martha Simpson, Glastonbury, Connecticut (1985 Winner)

"...And once you're gone, you can't come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black."
Neil Young

[Squeak 17]

Some of them are brilliant

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[nanook 1]

Brings back childhood memories. I believe this was the contest Charles Shultz satired with his loveable beagle. How I loved Snoopy and his quest to finish his horrid novel.

She had such beautiful brown eyes; brown like a cow ruminating on cud of cow-patty past.

_____________________________

"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

[redwings 0]

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She had such beautiful brown eyes; brown like a cow ruminating on cud of cow-patty past.

Uh oh. Cow alert. LisaH's gonna be here soon.

Why don't you just go to the police station in a red clown suit and let everybody know what we're doing here?

I have a phobia for moobs. Thanks, youknowwhoyouare.

[kallend 1,625]

Quite possibly the orginal and worst "dark and stormy night" story, from Scotland's worst ever poet, in 1879:

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

'Twas about seven o'clock at night,
And the wind it blew with all its might,
And the rain came pouring down,
And the dark clouds seem'd to frown,
And the Demon of the air seem'd to say-
"I'll blow down the Bridge of Tay."

When the train left Edinburgh
The passengers' hearts were light and felt no sorrow,
But Boreas blew a terrific gale,
Which made their hearts for to quail,
And many of the passengers with fear did say-
"I hope God will send us safe across the Bridge of Tay."

But when the train came near to Wormit Bay,
Boreas he did loud and angry bray,
And shook the central girders of the Bridge of Tay
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

So the train sped on with all its might,
And Bonnie Dundee soon hove in sight,
And the passengers' hearts felt light,
Thinking they would enjoy themselves on the New Year,
With their friends at home they lov'd most dear,
And wish them all a happy New Year.

So the train mov'd slowly along the Bridge of Tay,
Until it was about midway,
Then the central girders with a crash gave way,
And down went the train and passengers into the Tay!
The Storm Fiend did loudly bray,
Because ninety lives had been taken away,
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

As soon as the catastrophe came to be known
The alarm from mouth to mouth was blown,
And the cry rang out all o'er the town,
Good Heavens! the Tay Bridge is blown down,
And a passenger train from Edinburgh,
Which fill'd all the peoples hearts with sorrow,
And made them for to turn pale,
Because none of the passengers were sav'd to tell the tale
How the disaster happen'd on the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

It must have been an awful sight,
To witness in the dusky moonlight,
While the Storm Fiend did laugh, and angry did bray,
Along the Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay,
Oh! ill-fated Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay,
I must now conclude my lay
By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
That your central girders would not have given way,
At least many sensible men do say,
Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,
At least many sensible men confesses,
For the stronger we our houses do build,
The less chance we have of being killed.

...

The only sure way to survive a canopy collision is not to have one.

[lippy 773]

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20. The plan was simple, like a Cape Breton coal miner. But unlike the Cap er, this plan just might work.

I resemble that remark!

I got nuthin

[jakee 1,256]

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I'll cry as soon as I stop laughing. Really? This is what the education system produced?

Are you kidding!? Assuming they're actually real a lot of them are really clever and inventive.

Except the ones that are plagiarised

Do you want to have an ideagasm?

[SpeedRacer 1]

"Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes."

from Naked Gun

Speed Racer
--------------------------------------------------

[sriddy 0]

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"Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes."

from Naked Gun

"Like a blind man at an orgy, I'll have to feel things out."
-Frank Drebbin

[Esquilax 0]

"Look!! The Moon, like a testicle, hangs low in the sky..."

-Robin Williams

Ostriches and rheas are the only birds that urinate and defecate separately. They read Parachutist while doing #2.

[lippy 773]

I'd never felt such an urge to run...Like a skydiver at a wedding on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon, I had to get out of that place

I got nuthin