boinky 0 #1 August 25, 2008 **Please note** No, this didn't happen to me. The "story" was passed on to me and I thought it was so funny, I had to share with my friends! My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure , I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out ... must stay conscious ... must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe .................. OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip ... it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake .... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub ... in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!' There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?' She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace .... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair .... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE ....... ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair colour......Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #2 August 25, 2008 Stupid fucker... (the guy this happened to) "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BikerBabe 0 #3 August 25, 2008 LMAO! that's why I leave the waxing of that area to the professionals. 10 minutes of semi-pain (it's actually not as bad as they make it sound...) for weeks of bliss. Never meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ChibiKuma 0 #4 August 25, 2008 No way man...way too sensitive of an area for that.TPM #131 People are just as the stars....there are bright ones and there are those that are dim. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
livendive 8 #5 August 25, 2008 Quote Stupid fucker... (the guy this happened to) What in the story led you to believe it was a guy? Blues, Dave"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!" (drink Mountain Dew) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mamajumps 0 #6 August 25, 2008 HAHA! Thanks for sharing! I had read that before and I laughed just as hard this time! My sister gets the Brazillian waxing done and has offered to pay for my first time, NO THANKS! I will stick to shaving! However this last time, I did knick the whoo whoo ....OUCH!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #7 August 25, 2008 Quote Quote Stupid fucker... (the guy this happened to) What in the story led you to believe it was a guy? Blues, Dave Sorry, I was thinking of Broke and his golden nuts... "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RALFFERS 0 #8 August 25, 2008 Quote Quote Quote Stupid fucker... (the guy this happened to) What in the story led you to believe it was a guy? Blues, Dave Sorry, I was thinking of Broke and his golden nuts... - Billllllllllly, is there something you want to share with the rest of the class?... Dialogue/commentary between Divot, Twardo & myself - "from your first Oshkosh when the three of us were riding to or from one of Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #9 August 25, 2008 Quote Quote Quote Quote Stupid fucker... (the guy this happened to) What in the story led you to believe it was a guy? Blues, Dave Sorry, I was thinking of Broke and his golden nuts... - Billllllllllly, is there something you want to share with the rest of the class?... You missed the whole "spray paint his own nuts with gold paint" episode? "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Katzeye 0 #10 August 25, 2008 Quote 10 minutes of semi-pain Give me the name of your waxer! All the yahoos here spend like an hour messing around down there! Is a chicken omelette redundant? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RALFFERS 0 #11 August 25, 2008 Quote Quote Quote Quote Quote Stupid fucker... (the guy this happened to) What in the story led you to believe it was a guy? Blues, Dave Sorry, I was thinking of Broke and his golden nuts... - Billllllllllly, is there something you want to share with the rest of the class?... You missed the whole "spray paint his own nuts with gold paint" episode? Nope, I remember that. Dialogue/commentary between Divot, Twardo & myself - "from your first Oshkosh when the three of us were riding to or from one of Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumpoutnow 0 #12 August 25, 2008 Maybe you should have tried a good dose of..... Manspit. People are crazy. Cuz there's more of 'em. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cornholio 0 #13 August 25, 2008 Quote Stupid fucker... (the guy this happened to) Last time I checked, guys don't have "Hoo-Has"... Got something to share with all of us Billy? Butthead: Whoa! Burritos for breakfast! Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Cool! bellyflier on the dz.com hybrid record jump Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #14 August 25, 2008 Quote Quote Stupid fucker... (the guy this happened to) Last time I checked, guys don't have "Hoo-Has"... Got something to share with all of us Billy? Read the thread... I should have read the original post a bit more carefully anyway."Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sickandtwisted 0 #15 August 25, 2008 ROFLMFAO! Skymama stalker #69!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BikerBabe 0 #16 August 25, 2008 Quote Quote 10 minutes of semi-pain Give me the name of your waxer! All the yahoos here spend like an hour messing around down there! an HOUR??? good god, woman! find yourself a new waxer, ASAP. Seriously, it should take them 10-15 minutes, max, and that's for taking it ALL off. Not sure where you are, but in the San Diego area, i HIGHLY recommend a salon called...i'm not making this up... The Pretty Kitty Never meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stitch 0 #17 August 25, 2008 You should ask Divot about it. I hear he uses Turtle Wax. "No cookies for you"- GFD "I don't think I like the sound of that" ~ MB65 Don't be a "Racer Hater" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
popsjumper 2 #18 August 25, 2008 QuoteQuote 10 minutes of semi-pain Give me the name of your waxer! All the yahoos here spend like an hour messing around down there! Oh come on now...where's your common sense and logic? What sells better... - 10 minute Hoo-Haa DVD - 60 minute Hoo-Haa DVD <>My reality and yours are quite different. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
popsjumper 2 #19 August 25, 2008 Quote**Please note** No, this didn't happen to me. The "story" was passed on to me and I thought it was so funny, I had to share with my friends! Sure, sure. I've heard it before..."My, ummm, friend has a problem...." Shoulda called the number on the box and told them your name was Mike. Ahhhh, nevermind...they would have known it was a different voice this time.My reality and yours are quite different. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SmoothAl 0 #20 August 26, 2008 Quote Last time I checked, guys don't have "Hoo-Has"... Maybe that's what he names his "chachos"..."Hoo" and "Has". One's Chinese, the other is a cowboy. SA Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
