SarahC07 0 #1 January 31, 2009 http://www.cracked.com/article_17025_why-i-wont-be-watching-super-bowl.html Tomorrow is our nation's high holiday: The World Series of Football. The armchair atheists have it all wrong. America is not a theocracy full of McJesus zombies praying for LOTTO windfalls. We're a secular nation, Mammon-damnit. Greed is a delicious, evil root that tastes great with butter and sour cream, and tomorrow our land will explode with nacho cheese, body paint and testosterone-jacked Orcs racing to make as much money as they can before their bodies fall apart. The contest is between the attitudinal woodpeckers and the industrial revolutionaries, and I predict that I don't care who wins. The skinny guy in the back's the punter. "Isn't it anti-American to not watch the Super Bowl?" you might ask. Buster, I crap fleets of thimble-sized bald eagles, each screaming "U-S-A!" I snuck into the tribal areas of Pakistan inside a living camel and beat Osama Bin Laden to death with a waffle iron, and I kept it a secret because I want the terrorists to feel safe. I just called you "buster." That's how I am with America. But I hate football because, as a nation, we can do better. There are so many sports superior to football, and yet we embrace a game that's only enduring value is that its ebb and flow allows television networks to spackle every inch, crevice and animated infographic with commercials. I love commercials as much as anyone. Advertising is the only mass art form that conveys our collective fears and hopes, and it will adorn the hologram walls of space museums hundreds of years from now. "My God, they really were retarded." But football gets in the way of commercials. You know why soccer isn't more popular in America (besides the socks, lack of scoring and the fact that Europeans look like elves)? It's because it is nearly impossible to wrap commercials around that game. You can go 10 whole minutes during a soccer match without finding out how to get "cash 4 gold." Advertisers hate that, and so they make sure you hate it too. Did I just claim that football sucks worse than soccer? I'll do you one better: Football sucks worse than golf, and golf is a just a happy walk through a pretty park with a club of men who are directly responsible for drunk joy-riding our economy off a cliff. Do you know any regular dudes who love to golf? You do? I'm sorry, then, you're a dick purse. Just some regular dudes. But football is worse than golf. See I know football. I grew up a Texan, and we Texans are the closest this country will ever get to Vikings. Growing up, my father worshipped three people: Jesus, Patsy Cline and Tom Landry. I worship Zeus, Dark Phoenix and the main Keebler Elf (the Warlord Elf Pimp who's in charge of getting those cookies from the tree, to the box, to my shouthole) but I don't blame Texas loving football. It's a religion there, and even the poorest, bleakest West Texas town has a sparkling ziggurat upon which local high school pigskin warriors are celebrated and sniffed at by scouts, before their future use to society is sacrificed to appease the gods of sporting combat. A pep-rally at a small West Texas high school. But you can't blame Texans. They spent the better part of the nineteenth century hanging Comanches, Mexican bandits and horse thieves. Old habits die hard. There's a lot of residual bloodlust to work out there. But come on, we can do better. Why isn't bull-riding (Beef NASCAR as I call it) the American sport to end all sports? It's an epic battle of the wills between a man and an angry cheeseburger; and if that doesn't typify our awesome civilization, I don't know what does. How about UFC? It's like boxing, except there's more blood, missionary position and brain damage. If they renamed it "Knuckle Rape Thunderdome," it might bring about the end of all other sports. Hell, I'll take Badmitton over football. They play with something called a "shuttlecock," and that's pretty funny, especially if you're a 34-year-old hack comedy writer. Shuttlecock. The jokes just write themselves. You might be asking where baseball, America's alleged pastime (emphasis on "past"), fits into all of this. Baseball is radio, and radio is a lot of words, and words suck. Let the batter keep his bat and supply the basemen with barb-wire wrapped hubcap shields and then we can talk. You don't have to say yes. Just say you'll think about it. Go ahead and watch the football show. Pump your fist and celebrate pointless berserker rage, grotesque consumerism and spandex sodden with man juices. Just don't invite me to your parties. I'll be rolling with my bitches, those football widows who will spend tomorrow taking in a matinee of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button before indulging at the Stone Cold Creamery and talking about Gossip Girl. Enjoy the game. Just know that the whole time, I will be eyeball-molesting your girlfriends and wives. I also hate football because when I was a teenager, I was a fat asthmatic who couldn't make the team. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gonzalesna 0 #2 January 31, 2009 Now tell us how you really feel... Some people refrain from beating a dead horse. Personally, I find a myriad of entertainment value when beating it until it becomes a horse-smoothie. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SarahC07 0 #3 January 31, 2009 Come on! Tell me that's not some great writing! It was a good laugh. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gonzalesna 0 #4 January 31, 2009 Quote Come on! Tell me that's not some great writing! It was a good laugh. But you useded the big words and the big words they hurted my head.Some people refrain from beating a dead horse. Personally, I find a myriad of entertainment value when beating it until it becomes a horse-smoothie. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SarahC07 0 #5 January 31, 2009 Yeah, well, I'm slightly hungover. Big words didn't get to me... "Isn't it anti-American to not watch the Super Bowl?" you might ask. Buster, I crap fleets of thimble-sized bald eagles, each screaming "U-S-A!" LOVE it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
godfrog 2 #6 January 31, 2009 I have to go and fly for those skydivers that would rather skydive than watch the superbowl! (weather permiting)Experience is a difficult teacher, she gives you the test first and the lesson afterward Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Conundrum 1 #7 January 31, 2009 Why do people feel the need to express their reasoning to NOT watch something? Just like they don't care about people wanting to watch it, people who want to watch don't care about people not wanting to watch. Big fucking deal. Don't watch it then. *shrug* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
drdive 0 #8 January 31, 2009 Sorry, I didn't have time to read that lenghthy post, too busy watching pregame stuff on ESPNDoc "We saved your gear. Now you can sell it when you get out of the hospital and upsize!!" "K-Dub" " Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
downwardspiral 0 #9 January 31, 2009 Quote Why do people feel the need to express their reasoning to NOT watch something? Just like they don't care about people wanting to watch it, people who want to watch don't care about people not wanting to watch. Big fucking deal. Don't watch it then. *shrug* I figured you of all people would appreciate that style of writing. Do you know any regular dudes who love to golf? You do? I'm sorry, then, you're a dick purse. That's fucking awesome! www.FourWheelerHB.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
godfrog 2 #10 February 1, 2009 Because flying and skydiving are way funner than watching football on tv. No excuses here, I was asked to fly and I'm gonna fly!!!!!Experience is a difficult teacher, she gives you the test first and the lesson afterward Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gonzalesna 0 #11 February 1, 2009 Quote Yeah, well, I'm slightly hungover. Big words didn't get to me... "Isn't it anti-American to not watch the Super Bowl?" you might ask. Buster, I crap fleets of thimble-sized bald eagles, each screaming "U-S-A!" LOVE it. \ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yo8lkACFszISome people refrain from beating a dead horse. Personally, I find a myriad of entertainment value when beating it until it becomes a horse-smoothie. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #12 February 2, 2009 I missed the first 57 minutes of playing time due to a long trip on the highway, but hey, the last 3 minutes was the best part of the game."Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
squirrel 0 #13 February 2, 2009 Didnt watch it because I am not much of a "watcher." Instead, I prefer to go out and actually "do." So I went flying. ________________________________ Where is Darwin when you need him? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SarahC07 0 #14 February 3, 2009 I think it's funny that people are replying seriously to this post. The only reason I posted it was to share what I thought was a very well written article... thought you guys would appreciate it. I have no objections to watching the superbowl... although, I didn't actually watch the game. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
