Why is it so hard to get over someone?

[npgraphicdesign 2]

It's been a long enough time, 10 years to be exact. The only person I ever said I loved to, besides my family and friends, the only person that was absolutely perfect in every way, etc.

At this point, not sure if I'm stuck on the actual person or if its' the ideal image of her built up in my head from 10 years ago, but I can't let her go. And it might actually be preventing me from letting anyone else get close, since in my subconscious, I have this perfect person built up...and unconsciously I start comparing someone new to her, and the new person loses out every single time.

Any suggestions on how to get over someone, how to break up the perfect image of them you have in your head, how to get past it, how not to let it affect your potential future relationship, etc? I am all ears here...

Damn it love can be so complex

[JohnMitchell 14]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and the woman long gone becomes perfect as her faults fade in your memory. Psychologists call this approach-avoidance complex, which, coincidentally, plays a major role in our favorite sport of skydiving. Life is lived best not looking in the rear view mirror, but that's easy for me to say.

Old girlfriends? I love them all. How could I not still have affection for anyone who was ever so important to me? But I've said it before and I'll say it again, thanks to everyone woman who ever dumped me. It made it possible for me to marry Vskydiver. You don't have to forget your past, but you have to quit living in it. Give the next woman a chance.

[npgraphicdesign 2]

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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and the woman long gone becomes perfect as her faults fade in your memory. Psychologists call this approach-avoidance complex, which, coincidentally, plays a major role in our favorite sport of skydiving. Life is lived best not looking in the rear view mirror, but that's easy for me to say.

Old girlfriends? I love them all. How could I not still have affection for anyone who was ever so important to me? But I've said it before and I'll say it again, thanks to everyone woman who ever dumped me. It made it possible for me to marry Vskydiver. You don't have to forget your past, but you have to quit living in it. Give the next woman a chance.

Amen John...amen. But, sometimes it's a lot easier said then done...

[JohnMitchell 14]

She must have been some woman . . .

But I think there is someone out there for you that will be much better to you.

[skydiver30960 0]

I hear you, dude. I spent a long time living "in love" with someone who had no interest in me. At the time I did it because I thought it was somehow romantic, like I was the knight who forever promised his love to a noblewoman he'd never marry; now, after the fact I realize that (just as John mentions in his post) it was safe and easy for me to do, and a way to hide. Not romatic, but definitely quixotic.

Honestly, this was a long time ago (high school/start of college). Now that I'm out of that shell and looking back, I don't think about her and how I never had her; instead, it think about all the time I wasted and what I might have missed because I didn't allow myself to look past her.

Elvisio "from a poop post to this, it's a big swing" Rodriguez

[stitch 0]

Depends. Either you're really out of shape or they're a really large person.

"No cookies for you"- GFD
"I don't think I like the sound of that" ~ MB65
Don't be a "Racer Hater"

[hungarianchick 0]

10 years? Holy sh!t! Have you considered therapy? I'm not joking here, I think you wasted long enough of your life on someone who is clearly not coming back.

"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food."

[npgraphicdesign 2]

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10 years? Holy sh!t! Have you considered therapy? I'm not joking here, I think you wasted long enough of your life on someone who is clearly not coming back.

I have two shrinks in my family. ;)

and it's not that I haven't dated. I had relationships, dated, etc. Just haven't found anyone close to what I had before.

[stitch 0]

Perhaps she was the love of your life. Perhaps not. Unfortunately in life not everyone gets the "Happily ever after". Carrying a torch for someone that has moved on is often self-destructive. IMO you should remember the good times and move on also. In time the feeling will fade.

"No cookies for you"- GFD
"I don't think I like the sound of that" ~ MB65
Don't be a "Racer Hater"

[happythoughts 0]

It has to do with the types of people.

1- the perfect, ideal person that will "make you happy".

2- the super-hot, gorgeous person that you makes your brains stop whenever you see them.

3- the person that actually treats you well.
that person is the one that you actually want in a relationship.

no. 1 is fictitious.

no. 2 is who people pursue with the goal of transforming them
into no. 3. that is the general problem.

it is easy to stay in love with an old myth.
if you actually went back and talked to the obsession,
she probably goes to work every day and does not have the old energy.
you do not have the hormones that drive everything.

go find the person. have a cup of coffee. it will go away.
then, find another real adult and start having lunch with them.

[JohnMitchell 14]

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and it's not that I haven't dated. I had relationships, dated, etc. Just haven't found anyone close to what I had before.

Circus acrobat or sword swallower?

Once you've been on the flying trapeze, you'll never see the sky the same.

[npgraphicdesign 2]

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It has to do with the types of people.

1- the perfect, ideal person that will "make you happy".

2- the super-hot, gorgeous person that you makes your brains stop whenever you see them.

3- the person that actually treats you well.
that person is the one that you actually want in a relationship.

no. 1 is fictitious.

no. 2 is who people pursue with the goal of transforming them
into no. 3. that is the general problem.

it is easy to stay in love with an old myth.
if you actually went back and talked to the obsession,
she probably goes to work every day and does not have the old energy.
you do not have the hormones that drive everything.

go find the person. have a cup of coffee. it will go away.
then, find another real adult and start having lunch with them.

If she was within reach for a cup of coffee, I wouldn't be having this issue She's 3000 miles away, so having a cup of coffee is kind of hard.

Even back then, what we had wasn't just hormone driven...but I get your point.

[JohnMitchell 14]

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no. 1 is fictitious.

no. 2 is who people pursue with the goal of transforming them
into no. 3. that is the general problem.

You are wise for someone who jumps from planes.

[npgraphicdesign 2]

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and it's not that I haven't dated. I had relationships, dated, etc. Just haven't found anyone close to what I had before.

Circus acrobat or sword swallower?

Once you've been on the flying trapeze, you'll never see the sky the same.

Is that one of them metaphor or idiom things? I can never tell...

But yea...I'd been on the flying trapeze once. And I'm trying to either get back up there or find someone more grounded.

[wolfriverjoe 1,351]

This isn't love anymore. Not without the person being involved. It's more of an obsession.
It's also not reality.

Is there any chance of actually being able to see this person? The reality of who she is may (or may not) jolt you out of the obsession.

What caused the breakup? Her, you or uncontrollable circumstances?
It's a lot harder to get over this kind of thing if you both wanted to be together, but stuff beyond your control forced you apart.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda - that shit will tear you apart.

I agree with Hungarianchick about getting some real. professional help.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[npgraphicdesign 2]

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This isn't love anymore. Not without the person being involved. It's more of an obsession.
It's also not reality.

Is there any chance of actually being able to see this person? The reality of who she is may (or may not) jolt you out of the obsession.

What caused the breakup? Her, you or uncontrollable circumstances?
It's a lot harder to get over this kind of thing if you both wanted to be together, but stuff beyond your control forced you apart.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda - that shit will tear you apart.

I agree with Hungarianchick about getting some real. professional help.

Uncontrollable circumstances.

And, it would be good to see her and get some closure on things, but since she is 3000 miles away that's kind of impossible.

As far as professional help goes, I have enough in my family. Two generations of shrinks to be exact.

I was in love once since that time, but not as strongly. I still date, go out etc. Just haven't found that combination yet.

Damn it, where's Shah when he's really needed?

[happythoughts 0]

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and it's not that I haven't dated. I had relationships, dated, etc. Just haven't found anyone close to what I had before.

Circus acrobat or sword swallower?

Once you've been on the flying trapeze, you'll never see the sky the same.

Be careful. The trapeze should not be used with other products.
If you are wearing a chicken suit, you have to get pretty
high up on the ladder to build up momentum.
That speed is a curse if your flippers catch the end of the bed.


(not that I've tried it, just sayin'...)

[airtwardo 6]

Life is just like airline travel...carry too much baggage & ya gotta pay extra.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[npgraphicdesign 2]

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Life is just like airline travel...carry too much baggage & ya gotta pay extra.

Amen!!

[Bolas 5]

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And, it would be good to see her and get some closure on things, but since she is 3000 miles away that's kind of impossible.

Bullshit. It's not impossible. It may be hard. It may be expensive. But long term, knowing this may be the best for you. Myself and others here have had LDR's with people 3000 miles a way or more so are aware of the logistics involved.

Don't just go to where she is to see her. Find a DZ or other attraction nearby and make it a sidetrip and tell her it is just that as well.

Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.

[stitch 0]

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And, it would be good to see her and get some closure on things, but since she is 3000 miles away that's kind of impossible.

Bullshit. It's not impossible. It may be hard. It may be expensive. But long term, knowing this may be the best for you. Myself and others here have had LDR's with people 3000 miles a way or more so are aware of the logistics involved.

Don't just go to where she is to see her. Find a DZ or other attraction nearby and make it a sidetrip and tell her it is just that as well.

How was your side-trp to the Tundra ?

"No cookies for you"- GFD
"I don't think I like the sound of that" ~ MB65
Don't be a "Racer Hater"

[Bolas 5]

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And, it would be good to see her and get some closure on things, but since she is 3000 miles away that's kind of impossible.

Bullshit. It's not impossible. It may be hard. It may be expensive. But long term, knowing this may be the best for you. Myself and others here have had LDR's with people 3000 miles a way or more so are aware of the logistics involved.

Don't just go to where she is to see her. Find a DZ or other attraction nearby and make it a sidetrip and tell her it is just that as well.

How was your side-trp to the Tundra ?

Had I felt I needed one, I would have taken one.

Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.

[cocheese 0]

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Life is just like airline travel...carry too much baggage & ya gotta pay extra.

And when you die, you have to go to Atlanta for connecting flights.

[hungarianchick 0]

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As far as professional help goes, I have enough in my family. Two generations of shrinks to be exact.

Damn it, where's Shah when he's really needed?

Maybe that's the problem, they are family. They are not capable of being objective with you. Also, you may be in need of a therapist, not a psychiatrist, who specializes in relationship problems.
And as far as shah, please don't invoke him for pete's sake...

"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food."

[wolfriverjoe 1,351]

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...As far as professional help goes, I have enough in my family. Two generations of shrinks to be exact. ...

Not to disparage your family, but an outsider would probably be better.

Most shrinks I know (admittedly not a lot) wouldn't counsel anyone in their own circle of family or friends.

A good shrink requires a certain level of detachment to be of any real help.

Good luck to you. This sort of thing really sucks.

Edit to add: Hungarianchick and I are on the same wavelength on this. If you don't believe me, maybe listen to her

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo