Funny Quotes

[Butters 0]

I am bored and in need of some laughter so post quotes from television, movies, family, and friends that made you laugh.

"Using a key to gouge expletives on another's vehicle is a sign of trust, and friendship." Ignignokt (Aqua Teen Hunger Force)

"That looks dangerous." Leopold Stotch

[selbbub78 0]

Quote from the movie Love Actually:

"kids don't buy drugs"

[after a few seconds of quiet on national TV]



"become a popstar and they give them to you for free!!!"



CReW Skies,
bubbles

"Women fake orgasms - men fake whole relationships" – Sharon Stone
"The world is my dropzone" (wise crewdog quote)
"The light dims, until full darkness pierces into the world."-KDM

[Butters 0]

Hmmm, I guess no one has any funny quotes.

"Prepare for a pride-obliterating bitch slap!" Ignignokt (Aqua Teen Hunger Force)

"That looks dangerous." Leopold Stotch

[ntrprnr 0]

Homer: "I AM SO SMART. S-M-R-T."

_______________
"Why'd you track away at 7,000 feet?"
"Even in freefall, I have commitment issues."

[kelel01 1]

Here's a good one:

Homer: "When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power ... like God must feel when he's holding a gun."

[Rebecca 0]

"Ee keeps putting 'ees testicles all ovaer mee."

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[kelel01 1]

Here's another one:

Homer: "Oh, I don't need anything like that...yet. Just give me my gun!"
Gun Shop Owner (begins wrestling with Homer for the gun): "Sorry pal. The law requires a five day waiting period. We've got to do a background check."
Homer: "Five days?! But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun!"

[jakee 1,259]

For the very best one liners, is there any film to beat Casablanca?

Quote

Ilsa: How nice, you remembered. But of course, that was the day the Germans marched into Paris.
Rick: Not an easy day to forget.
Ilsa: No.
Rick: I remember every detail. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue.
.
.
Captain Renault: What in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?
Rick: My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.
Captain Renault: The waters? What waters? We're in the desert.
Rick: I was misinformed
.
.
Rick: How can you close me up? On what grounds?
Captain Renault: I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!
Croupier: Your winnings, sir.
Captain Renault: [sotto voce] Oh, thank you very much.
[aloud]
Captain Renault: Everybody out at once!
.
.
Captain Renault: Realizing the importance of the case, my men are rounding up twice the usual number of suspects.

Do you want to have an ideagasm?

[livendive 8]

Anything from "Repo Man

Blues,
Dave

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!"
(drink Mountain Dew)

[kelel01 1]

"Dr. Stranglove"

Major T.J. "King Kong": "Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff."

[jakee 1,259]

Gentlemen, please! You can't fight in here, this is the War Room!

Do you want to have an ideagasm?

[kelel01 1]

I love that one!

[raftman 12]

Marge: "Homer, the boss said if you don't come in today, don't bother to show up on Monday."

Homer: "Woo Hoo, 4 day weekend!"

[jakee 1,259]

President Merkin Muffley: How is it possible for this thing to be triggered automatically and at the same time impossible to untrigger?

Dr. Strangelove: Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the whole idea of this machine, you know. Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the FEAR to attack. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision-making process which rules out human meddling, the Doomsday machine is terrifying and simple to understand... and completely credible and convincing. Of course, the whole point of a Doomsday Machine is lost, if you *keep* it a *secret*! Why didn't you tell the world, EH?

Ambassador de Sadesky: It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the Premier loves surprises.



Peter Sellers was an absolute genius!

Do you want to have an ideagasm?

[Hambone 0]

Crab Cakes and Football, cuz thats what Maryland DOES!

John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.

Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not as much as I do with your attire, or just your general point of view toward everybody here. But hey, lets go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

Yeah...You need to grow up. -Skymama

[kelel01 1]

MY FAVORITE LINE from that movie.

[Hambone 0]

which one...I put three.

Yeah...You need to grow up. -Skymama

[kelel01 1]

The last one. Specifically, the last line of the last one.

[Hambone 0]

Me Too..."buy hey lets go kill some birds, I'm Psyched!"

Yeah...You need to grow up. -Skymama

[DavidST 0]

" We can't stop here. This is Bat Country!"

As a general rule, the better it felt when you said it, the more trouble it's going to get you into.

[turtlespeed 212]

I'm Bat Man!

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[jcd11235 0]

"Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you are about to turn right. This is to let him know you're pulling off for a proper place to talk. It will take him a moment to realize that he's about to make a 180 degree turn at speed, but you will be ready for it. Brace for the g's."

Math tutoring available. Only $6! per hour! First lesson: Factorials!

[DavidST 0]

Thats one of my Favorite from that movie. Here is the other

We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole multi colored collection of uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.

As a general rule, the better it felt when you said it, the more trouble it's going to get you into.

[jcd11235 0]

Mmmm...blotter acid

Oh wait. What I meant to say was: Drugs are bad, m'kay?

Math tutoring available. Only $6! per hour! First lesson: Factorials!

[kelel01 1]

"We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"