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madhatter

Suicide...

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Was given a link to this post. Apologies as my response is long and a little bit all over the map. Course it's been a bit since I posted too. ;)

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It's not your fault



I don't think anyone is saying it is, but there also is a difference between fault and excuses. Once something happens the only thing you can do is deal with the fallout and do what you can to try to prevent it from happening again. Things need to be dealt with. Be that with behavior changes, environment changes, medical changes, etc.

If I lose my leg in the end it really doesn't matter If I was hit by a drunk driver or juggling chainsaws. The end result is still I have to deal with life with one less appendage.

Then again, I don't believe in the whole "not guilty due to mental illness" legal stance either. To me doing an act and the reason are two different things. While I do care the reason, regardless, if it was done it was done. The reason just determines the next steps/consequences.

I'll be the first to admit I have an engineer brain. I'm overly logical. If something is "broken" I'll try and fix it. I may not always succeed and sometimes may make it worse before it is resolved, but to me the fact I'm or someone is doing something and trying is enough. Granted you sometimes do get to the point where whatever you do in a particular thing seems wrong so at that point you should just let it go.

I'm also very blunt and hide little from most and nothing from an SO. I want them to try to accept me truly for who I am as I will try them, faults, secrets, and all, so why hide them? I know I have them, I try to compensate for them, but they are still there.

To me, I can't find a logical reason someone should off themselves. Whatever it is there is a way out and also others do have it worse, perhaps look to them for strength. I do have people I can call and talk to when feeling bad and just hearing them complain I feel better, While I hate to use the word "selfish" it really fits. Absolutely 100% if you have children as I feel that's no longer a decision you can make as your life is no longer your own.

I have been situationally depressed though. Less than 2 years ago work was going very badly and seemed like nothing was going to change. Granted I could have gotten another job but at the same time I had a relationship that was going down the tubes too. In that case it seemed the more I tried, the worse it got plus combined with the work stress my fuse became very short for dealing with what I felt was the same problem over and over.

I had been "circling the drain" and pretty much knew something had to change and soon.

The final straw was my mother had her laptop die on her when she was out of town. She was still using this old program that for years I told her she either needed to upgrade to the new version or find a different one. I really didn't want to deal with it but I'd always done it for her. She had a backup of her data on her old laptop at her house so went up there to work on it. I tried to make this old app transfer onto the new PC for days without luck. In between I even went skydiving to destress some but had more issue with the relationship on the trip back.

After trying just about everything except reloading the crappy app from scratch which I refuse to do as it was such a PITA to do so because the OS on this old laptop had pretty much crapped out from all my attempts, I decided I had had it. No more. I was done. However, knowing my mom I knew that she would push and try to get me to do it no matter what. I felt trapped and then felt it was all the app/laptops fault.

"That fucking laptop with that crappy app. That's the source of all my problems. It needs to go. If I destroy it she'll be extremely upset and sad but will realize that I'm truly done with it. She still has the data and can try installing it herself. Besides, she's been putting me off for years on upgrades..."

So at that moment of not sound mind but sound body I grabbed that laptop carried it outside and threw it against a tree. It hit hard but still appeared to be working so I got a hammer and proceeded to beat the crap out of it until it was not functioning and I deemed it not repairable. Each hit was like a euphoria as I felt I was breaking the chains that bound me.

While I should have felt horrible about destroying her property, the one who gave me life, (the laptop was prolly only worth $100 or so, but that's besides the point), I felt finally free and strangely good as this would not be misunderstood.

When I called and told her while driving home she was of course devestated and heartbroken. She couldn't even talk to me. Maybe even moreso that I felt I had to go to such an extreme. She did try to get me to help her after the fact but I felt at that point there was no use going back so just told her I was done even going so far as refusing delivery on a new laptop she had sent to my house to setup to replace the old one. I still won't support the old stuff but have told her I'd help her upgrade next time.

While she was setting things up our relationship was especially strained as she'd still try to ask questions. She spent many hours on the phone with many different support people. Some calls to me were very short as I'd say I'll talk about anything except that.

Am I proud of what I did? No. But I did do it so all I could then do was deal with it. Probably the underlying reason for me not going back and helping her later with it was I feel if I "caved in" if the next time things got bad I'd feel I'd have to do something bigger as it would be a "and this time I really mean it" thing.

The amazing thing was how much of an eye opener that moment was for me. By giving up on that piece I was able to focus back on other things.

The relationship soon ended which while sad led to another "I'm free" moment which made work become easier to handle plus started to change some. :)
I guess the point I'm trying to make (if anyone is still reading:P) is rather than "give up" on everything sometimes just "giving up" on somethings gives you enough perspective to deal with the rest.
Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.

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The take home message is that depression is not a "thinking problem". It is a brain problem. There is something different about the brains of people with depression, and it is functional and biochemical in nature.

.


.................................................................
I listened to a teacher once who worked with troubled kids. He confidently said that depression is a choice. He was teaching a new program that the school had adopted. He was inferring that all you need to do is think positive, think happy thoughts, and you wouldn't be depressed any more. What an Idiot!

Brain scans truly are changing what we know about the human brain. PTSD clients often have problems with depression. They weren't born that way, but they have depression problems later. This can show up in a brain scan.

Brain chemistry can change over time. I think Airtwardo brought that up. Brain imaging can also show memory problems. People exposed to high levels of trauma can have an actual change in their brain chemistry. Trauma is the cause.

I'm no expert on any of this, but my take is that cortisol (a brain hormone) is released when people are exposed to high levels of trauma, anger, or even depression. Sleep patterns are often affected. Cortisol actually starts eroding receptors in the brain. Memory problems start to occur. Short term memory lapses are common.

Does high levels of Cortisol cause depression??? I'd like to learn more on this. Please jump in, if you can add to this.

Brain imaging can show much of this. This is particularly acute in some people who are bi-polar and others with more serious emotional problems. Taking your medication can offset this deterioration of your brain.

I sometimes wonder if one reason I have so much trouble with memory today. I grew up in a home from hell. It was similiar to a battle zone. Sometimes I have trouble remembering even simple stuff, like my own birthday, names of friends, etc. I am an old fart, but there may very well be more to it than that.

If you look in the DSM IV. there really isn't a label that fits extended trauma over time. PTSD might come close, but that really isn't it. I heard that in the DSM V. there will be a new label called complex trauma. So, if I were to diagnose myself, that would be my pick.....

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A lot of people think they are self medicating with alcohol, but in fact the alcohol is just a temporary fix that numbs you out, and overall makes you much worse.



It's interesting to note that many many people who commit suicide are under the influence of alcohol when they do it. Maybe more than half. Many would still be alive if they hadn't drank that night. It is often the next morning when they are coming down off of a drunk, that the suicide takes place. This is something a Therapist could be held liable for, if they don't warn their client. Alcohol and depression can be a deadly combination.

When you first start getting drunk, the alcohol can put you into an uplifted state. When it starts to wear off, depression levels can really drop. You are not thinking clearly. You are also more impulsive, you would do things you would normally never do. This might include killing yourself.

But then again, I've read research that states that alcohol may help people cope with their depression. I recall one article that stated that getting drunk may even keep many people from completing suicide. So, it sounds like there are two sides to this.

The same goes for medication. If you quit many anti-depressants cold turkey, that too can put you into a very depressed state. If you go off of an anti-depressant, do so under a doctor's recommendation.

I know I might sound like a know it all on here. I don't mean to sound that way. Many people don't know all this. Some of it can save your life. I want to help.....

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so, el legendario, since i've tried to finish myself off with all the medication i had left, plus a bottle of good, cheap scotch, and it didnt work out, you say this is a good thing!?

since the "lucky strike" worked out THAT way, i then decided to start skydiving. why actually WAS a good thing. others might not be so un-/lucky. so, its blame to be put to them!?

i dont think so, really.. :|

“Some may never live, but the crazy never die.”
-Hunter S. Thompson
"No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try."
-Yoda

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If I may...I'd like to change direction with the discussion for a moment.

I'm just wondering, if someone were to ask you to assist them in terminating their life...would you?

What limits would you put on it...only if they were terminally ill?

Only if they were a really good friend?

Wouldn't get involved at any point?

I know what I'd do, kinda wondering about others.










~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

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If someone was suffering badly enough. If there was no hope of recovery. If a close friend or relative begged you to. It would be hard to say no.

As a therapist, you are supposed to hospitalize anyone who is a high risk for suicide. That would include even someone who is terminally ill. If someone came to you and said they had a short time to live, that there was no hope, and that they wanted to die with dignity. Would you lock them up in a mental ward till they changed their mind. I don't think I could.

I don't think that suicide is always wrong. I knew an old cowboy once whose body was shot. There was no hope of recovery. He had terminal cancer. The end would have meant suffering in a hospital bed for all his family to watch. It would also mean losing all his land and real estate holdings. That could have gone to his family.

He had no health insurance. His land would have gone just to pay his damn hospital bills. So, he shot himself. I have a lot of respect for someone like that. It took balls to do something like that. Was he thinking irrationally? I think not. Was this a selfish act? I don't think so. He wanted to leave his family something other than the memories of his laying in a bed suffering.

Another person might say he didn't have a right to make a decision like that. That it was up to God and not his decision to make. I couldn't disagree more....

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so, el legendario, since i've tried to finish myself off with all the medication i had left, plus a bottle of good, cheap scotch, and it didnt work out, you say this is a good thing!?

since the "lucky strike" worked out THAT way, i then decided to start skydiving. why actually WAS a good thing. others might not be so un-/lucky. so, its blame to be put to them!?

i dont think so, really.. :|



Who said anything about blame? My whole point was that whose "fault" something is doesn't mean that the one effected doesn't have to deal with it.

Maybe, rather than end it all, people should just do a "life reset" by moving, ending relationships, changing jobs, traveling, new hobby, etc. People who feel "trapped" usually aren't as bad off as they seem.

Then again I measure happiness as an overall: When there is more bad than good, then it's time to change something. I think people get this perception that if they aren't happy all of the time that something must be wrong with them. In my experience those "always happy" people you see are usually in serious denial about many things and are basically a facade.

Yes, I think it's a good thing you are still around. You've been quite amusing and I hope we do get to meet someday. :)
Congrats on getting your life back.
Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.

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I would never assist in a suicide under any circumstance.




Never say Never...;)




A straight forward one line response tells me you may have given some thought to the issue, and have a firm stance for whatever reason...

Again, just curious...are your reasons~ social, religious, legal repercussion?

You can think of no reason in which you might feel obligated to become involved?
~ I can certainly respect that stance, possibly even envy your resolve... just wonder why you're so clear.










~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

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-that was an enjoyable and FREEING experience of its own. i was ready to leave, with peace on my mind-





I wounder if that freeing feeling was a result of your decision to 'cutaway' from things that were troubling you...and if that same feeling couldn't be reproduced without the permanent consequences?

You re-defined your priorities...I happen to think the direction was a bit skewed, but wasn't the intent to stop the pain?

Once at that point, one can view any drastic life change as a move in the right direction...no matter how resistant to change is 'programed' in the hard drive, (re; outside expectations) or how difficult the 'change' may appear to be.

I throw that out there, because it's kinda been chapter one in my playbook.

I saw unhappiness, stress, self-imposed situational depression absolutely ruin some people close to me...I always thought I would rather live under a bridge out of a shopping cart before I would continue struggling with a negative situation that had no end in sight.

My time is finite on this rock, I look to keeping as much of it enjoyable and positive as possible...I'll never cure cancer or run a fortune 500 company, but in my mind I would regret doing that much more than not.

They say if you're NOT troubled in these times, you don't have a clue what's going on...Maybe~

But I like to take a journalists approach to the everyday grind...observe from a distance and don't be affected by it.

Selfish & short sighted perhaps, but I've always found the ride on the short bus to be more fun and the people riding with me rather entertaining.










~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

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I have a dear soul close to me that has struggled for four years to right the ship. It hasn't happened. I fear the worst. I have no more "good thoughts" nor buck-up bullshit to lay down.

It's her choice, she is pushing us away, I think to make it easier for her if we are not too close.

Sometimes all you can do is tell your loved ones to please hang on.


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It's interesting to note that the most at risk group for suicide is an elderly white male. Usually the most at risk race for suicide is White. Not always, though. In some locations Indian populations are very at risk. I heard that something like ten Kids died on the Wind River Reservation, in Wyoming, in a very short time.

What really bothers me is when young people want to kill themselves. I work in a middle school on an Indian Reservation. I've been in this school a very long time. Many of these kids are very troubled. Suicide has never been a problem until the last few years. We lost a student the summer before last to suicide. We lost another one this winter. Both of them hanged themselves.

We now have a large number of students who have suicidal thoughts dancing in their head. Suicide can be contagious, and it is happening in our school. There has been more than one attempt since the last girl died in December.

This morning there was a clinical psychologist who called. Three more girls tried to hang themselves last night. Two of these girls I have in a group with the psychologist who called. Yesterday they were laughing and having fun in school. I don't know all the details, but one of them can barely talk today. Her neck is that sore from the rope she was trying to kill herself with.

It makes me sick. They have so much to live for. It's hard not to blame yourself when this sort of thing happens. The good news is that they are still alive. One of them nearly died a month ago, when her sister found her passed out with a scarf around her neck. She wasn't breathing when she was found. What a close call! Then she tries again, last night.

I don't think most people realize how screwed up Indian Reservations are. There are so many problems here. The system is truly broke. Most parents here are alcoholics or have drug addiction problems. Violence is unbelieveable. There are burned out homes all over town. I'm not exaggerating, nor am I being predjudice. I think this is an accurate description. Even many Native people are moving out of town. It's that bad. Many have lost hope.

I've been working on this one for 25 years. I live off of the Reservation in a little town where my family is safe.

I think the worst problem is the tribal courts. You can turn in an abusive, neglectful family to social services or law enforcement. Usually absolutely nothing is done. If a child is removed from their home, they are traumatized by all that, and then they are put in another home that is just as dysfunctional as the one they came out of. Even the Native people, who live here, are fed up.

It's really hard to keep working as a counselor in such a place. What keeps me going is knowing I am helping some kids cope and survive another day in hell. All the money that our government poors into Reservations is not helping. It is usually wasted on things that aren't even needed. Little is spent on kids who need a home.

Sorry I'm so negative tonight. I need to vent!....

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I would never assist in a suicide under any circumstance.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Never say Never...




A straight forward one line response tells me you may have given some thought to the issue, and have a firm stance for whatever reason...

Again, just curious...are your reasons~ social, religious, legal repercussion?



You're right, never say never. Anyone can be tempted into anything.

Why I did not post my reason was the fear it would send this thread to SC.

Since you asked, it is my religious belief. I believe in the sanctity of life from the moment of conception to natural death. I know a lot of horrible suffering may happen in between but it's not my call when myself or anyone else should die.



_________________________________________
Chris






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I am new to this forum, but am glad to see so many people interested in reaching out to those depressed.

I have been struggling with depression well, since about 14 or 15. It's something that's always been there though, but 15 was when I got incredibly suicidal. I have been on and off multiple anti depressants and see more doctors, therapists, consolers, psychiatrics, etc. than I can count. When I got a little older, I learned a little bit of how to deal with it better myself. Until last year when my fiance broke up with me and a couple weeks after that someone very close to me passed away. I fell apart at the seams. I began drinking excessively, every day. I couldnt even drink beer anymore because it wouldnt do the job, just straight up rum. I somehow stumbled through my last semester of college and graduated but couldnt find a job. I would be working the same shit food job I had been at since high school, it only made me feel more hopeless about the future.

My best friend joined the army and left for bootcamp, and that was the very last support I had. I got really drunk one night and drove, got lost, and made a turn too sharp accidently, flipped my car and went to the hospital. If I wasn't wearing my seatbelt (which is a miracle too, since I was about 50/50 on wearing it), there is no doubt in my mind that I wouldve been killed. I walked away with only minor injuries. I was bloody as hell from crawling over broken glass to get out of the car, but I was just thankful I was the only one hurt in the mess.

Needless to say, I went to the hospital and after getting out of the ER I immediately checked in the a mental health ward to get my life in order. I'm learning slowly how to deal with life. I quit drinking (havent had a drink since that night), I was blessed with getting a great job, and have had a special woman enter my life. I'm really grateful all the opportunities and understanding that people have given me since the incident. Dealing with the legal implications is the most depressing part of all of it, but live and learn I guess.

The depression is something thats always there, and I'll always have to fight with. And thats okay. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time...

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The depression is something thats always there, and I'll always have to fight with. And thats okay. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time...



Thank you for sharing - I'm not comfortable posting about my struggles on an internet forum.

One day at a time.

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The depression is something thats always there, and I'll always have to fight with. And thats okay. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time...



Thank you for sharing - I'm not comfortable posting about my struggles on an internet forum.

One day at a time.


one day at a time! :)
to both of you! :)
“Some may never live, but the crazy never die.”
-Hunter S. Thompson
"No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try."
-Yoda

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In summary I don't believe that depression excuses selfishness - especially when you have children that you have brought into this world. ]/reply]

Looks to me like you are, one or the other or all of:
a) misinterpreting the intent of the DVD
b) confusing being an asshole with selfishness
c) having no empathy for the guys' state of mind
d) over-reacting
e) giving the kids an impression that supports the idea that whatever he did is mentally damaging them.
f) having trouble dealing with your own emotions about this event



Popsjumper,

One thing that is for sure in life is that it is impossible to walk in someone's elses shoes. So unless you have had a parent threaten and/or commit suicide, you have no idea what it's like.

I grew-up with my mom experiencing depression that gradually became very severe. This depression lead her to make several poorly executed atttempts at it while I was around. Each time she did this it was slightly more traumatising than what I was already going through because she was drunk.

Further, shs many times threatened to shoot herself with my step dad's 357. These incidents were the worst. You have no fucking idea what its like to have you mom who is already screwed up because she was stupid drunk, arguing and fighting with anyone, get the gun and go outside with it threatening to kill herself. To top it off try this when you are 10 years old. My step-dad did what he thought was right and called her bluff, basically calling her a coward to diffuse the situation. This method made these incidents even more scary.

Now, I agree with suicide when you have a terminal illness. But when you have minor childern, you need to at least try and get help. A parent that commits suicide or even threatens, cause a lot of problems with their childern.

My mom eventually did commit suicide when she O/D'd on her boyfriend's perscription drugs. When she did, I was 27. By then, I was conditioned to the point that I knew that I could loose her, and as a result we were not very close. Also, when she did die, I felt that this may have been best because she was finally free from her pain. Of course, by then being a bit wiser, I felt that she should have the right to die, especially because by then I was no longer a dependent of her's.

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About the coward part.

I think there is an instance where if you commit suicide you may be considered a coward, although nothing to do with depression.

While growing up, a good friend of mine was sexually abused my an adult man. Eventually, my friend notified the police and filed wanted to press charges. Shortly after the police visited the accused, he committed suicide.

This may be considered a cowardly act. He did not want to face the consequences for his actions.

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I also want to say that is nice to read what others go through. I suffer from mild depression myself. It is really hard to fight off the people who think that it is something that you can turn off like a light bulb.

Further, I suspected that there were a lot of people who find skydiving as a form of thearpy. I get a lot from it myself.

If I have not jumpped in a while, I feel drained and I need a lot of sleep. If I make at least a few jumps a week, I can go on about 25% less sleep, and can get up before the alarm. Also, I can deal with life's everyday BS much easier.

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As someone who has dealt with this condition, both personally and professionally, I offer the following for consideration.

Depression tends to be related to anger, fear and guilt. Depression itself rounds out what I call the big four of mental health issues. Relief from these symptoms can take many paths e.g., sex, drugs, rock 'n roll, etc. Usually, professional assistance is the last choice because it is difficult for the ego to surrender.

Of all the mental health diagnoses in the DSM-IV TR, depression is the easiest one to treat.

Of specific interest to skydiving and other extreme sports, my personal theory is that participants have a dopamine deficiency, thus inhibiting their sense of pleasure. Therefore, those individuals seek more potent sensory stimulation. Chronic problems develop when the individual is deprived the needed stimuli and becomes anhedonic.

Just my $0.02.
Look for the shiny things of God revealed by the Holy Spirit. They only last for an instant but it is a Holy Instant. Let your soul absorb them.

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I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to experience what your mom put you through.. :(

Skydiving, or any other activity that makes one feel alive, for that matter, is truly a wonderful anti-depressant! Just taking a hike in the mountains and feeling the sun on my back can be AS stimulating as a day at the dz.

THAT'S what prompted my original post - There are so many things that makes life worth living, if only we recognise them!

A VERY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
D.S # 125

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Of specific interest to skydiving and other extreme sports, my personal theory is that participants have a dopamine deficiency, thus inhibiting their sense of pleasure. Therefore, those individuals seek more potent sensory stimulation. Chronic problems develop when the individual is deprived the needed stimuli and becomes anhedonic.

Just my $0.02.



That association make sense. I went on pubmed and found

Are nonpharmacological induced rewards related to anhedonia? A study among skydivers.
Franken IH, Zijlstra C, Muris P.
Prog Neuropsychopharmacol Biol Psychiatry. 2006 Mar;30(2):297-300. Epub 2005 Nov 21.Click here to read

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