jono

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Jump Profile

  • Home DZ
    Picton
  • License
    C
  • License Number
    298258
  • Licensing Organization
    APF
  • Number of Jumps
    180
  • Years in Sport
    8
  • First Choice Discipline
    Freeflying
  • Second Choice Discipline
    Formation Skydiving
  1. Giddy *hick*up https://www.qt.com.au/news/logan-woman-charged-for-riding-a-horse-more-than-f/3433771/ Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  2. jono

    Good skydiving songs

    Addicted by Bliss N Eso Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  3. jono

    JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

    Bit of a long read but had me chuckling... The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili) Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy Christ, what the H*** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili) Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili) Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the beer! Chlli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic) Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. pimple face is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover) Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety) Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge #3-- I s*** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone. Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili) Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my throat. Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli) Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to the really hot chili? Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  4. jono

    JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

    Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true) And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted. I'll do the f*ckin' dishes..! Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  5. http://www.9news.com.au/national/2017/10/24/09/21/men-swim-in-croc-trap Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  6. Surgery performed by, wait for it............Dr Wang Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  7. jono

    JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

    A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.” The man thought about it for a while and then told him, “I see. Well, you’d better ship her home then.” The undertaker asked “Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?” The man said, “A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!” Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  8. Must real nice having the plane load to yourself and instructors, then when you land stepping out of your rig and leaving it to someone else to pick it up and return with it to the packing area to repack it for you whilst you get a comfy ride back in a 4WD. Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  9. WTF!! http://pickle.nine.com.au/2017/07/07/09/40/kids-swim-with-seven-foot-alligator Video - https://streamable.com/ff9ym Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  10. jono

    Tesla Engineering Question

    *** Printable paper thin solar panels .... http://www.theaustralian.com.au/business/technology/australia-kickstarts-green-future-with-printed-solar-panel-sites/news-story/1c6d24ad91d45eb0c67b253852e3172a Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  11. jono

    JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

    I always get a good chuckle out of this thread but this ^^^ got a lol. A joke only a skydiver would really appreciate!! Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  12. jono

    PicParty

    Great time wasting viewing.
  13. jono

    Iron-man lives

    No surfaces to offer lift. I wonder how long he thinks he'll be able to fly until his arms give out from fatigue?? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ05iAuIAlc Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  14. jono

    Flying Turbine Jet Bike.

    Pffft......drone style bikes are the way to go. Can't see any problems here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odVFa_3lmiM Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
  15. jono

    I don't care what, do not look

    I get told "You can window shop all you like, just make sure you buy at home". Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.