Religion

[akarunway 1]

From a good friend of mine. Very religious. 80 yr. old latin professor> And I'm agnostic and he knows it. Guess he's trying to covert me w/ humor. He plays one helluva game of chess I can tell you that.
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In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing
but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is
one," but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said,
"Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the
Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they
didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he
was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but
one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous
than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a
really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel
Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten
Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet
your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy
father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy
to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell
over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant
with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and
500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound
very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and
then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets,
but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star
of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had
been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close
the door! Were you born in a barn" It would be nice to say, "As a matter
of fact, I was.") During His life, Jesus had many arguments with
sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve
opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that
they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached
to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

[shermanator 3]

I read this in the voice of that 'end of Z world' clip that is out there. heehee. hOK, zis is the world.. .. ..

CLICK HERE! new blog posted 9/21/08
CSA #720

[jakee 1,257]

Huh, I was expecting a better punchline...

Anyway, I had a slightly wierd experience in town the other day. was walking along and noticed two shifty looking guys in long black coats loitering on a street corner. I accidentally caught the eye of one of them and he says "Do you want to hear about a man who loves you?" and then the other chimes in with "A man who loves you so much he died for you?" and I swear the first thing that went through my head was "Bloody hell, they're selling some gay snuff porn!" Unfortunately when I approached them guy number 1 says "Yes, we're talking about Jesus Christ our saviour." I made my escape.

Do you want to have an ideagasm?

[freethefly 6]

Quote

Huh, I was expecting a better punchline...

Anyway, I had a slightly wierd experience in town the other day. was walking along and noticed two shifty looking guys in long black coats loitering on a street corner. I accidentally caught the eye of one of them and he says "Do you want to hear about a man who loves you?" and then the other chimes in with "A man who loves you so much he died for you?" and I swear the first thing that went through my head was "Bloody hell, they're selling some gay snuff porn!" Unfortunately when I approached them guy number 1 says "Yes, we're talking about Jesus Christ our saviour." I made my escape.

Pariah
(David Derrick, Jared Tuten, Kyle Ellison)
Does anyone here agree with me
Everyone here lives in make believe
Everyone here is a Jesus freak
It's not a safe place to be
Days will come for us to face
At night we'll sleep our lives away
What you dream isn't real
With your eyes you can feel
I praise my mistakes
They push me in the right direction
Sometimes it takes a little wrong to get things right
Hurtin' you is not my intention
Northern light burns my eyes
A lonely face is my disguise
Swollen eyes begin to tear
Happiness becomes my fear
Hate is not a race--hate--ooh
I praise my mistakes
They push me in a new direction
Sometimes it takes a little wrong to get things right
Hurtin' you is not my intention
Why do we hate--it's not a race
Hate--ooh, hate is not a race, I know, I know

"...And once you're gone, you can't come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black."
Neil Young

[Shotgun 1]

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(David Derrick, Jared Tuten, Kyle Ellison)

Wow, now those are some names I wasn't expecting to see on here. I don't recall ever hearing that song, but I knew those guys when I lived in Austin. In fact, I think Jared was at the dropzone with me for one of my AFF jumps.

Not to hijack the thread, I was just surprised to see them mentioned . . .

[base283 0]

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=%22He+split+the+Adam+and+made+Eve.%22&btnG=Google+Search

[KennC 0]

Just caught a line I like ...

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"You gotta love a guy whose first miracle was just to keep the party goin'!"