Jessica 0 #1 December 5, 2001 I'm not sure if this mocks yanks or Texans more, but it's funny.INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTERNotes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster ChiliJUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers toput the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner ChiliJUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I amsupposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn ChiliJUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.Chili # 4: Bubba's Black MagicJUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip RemoverJUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian VarietyJUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation ChiliJUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worriedabout Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint ChiliJUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)Pet me! I'm harmless and cute! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lazerq3 0 #2 December 6, 2001 Great googly moogly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I never laughed so hard in my life!!!!!!!! That was FUNNY. You can never go wrong with someone shitting themselves!!!jason Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pdj6p 0 #3 December 6, 2001 Jessica, that should have had a surgeon generals warning included. "warning the surgeon general has determined that your ass might fall off from uncontrolable laughter. do not read if you have a weak bladder."funny funny stuff.thanks I needed that. Don Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
HotLoad 0 #4 December 6, 2001 Sounds like Terlingua to me. There's NO fun to be had there.....yeah right. A big party out in the middle of nowhere with drunk (or otherwise) redneck chicks will flash you for two days straight. Tell us all about the Boobies Jessica. We wanna know the truth, the whole thruth, and nothing but the boobies. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jessica 0 #5 December 6, 2001 QuoteTell us all about the Boobies Jessica. We wanna know the truth, the whole thruth, and nothing but the boobies.Er....First tell me what you've heard.Pet me! I'm harmless and cute! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
philhartree 0 #6 December 6, 2001 Heh heh heh...I saw this and thought of....... me... i luv chilli - bring it on...I laffed out loud in the office and now i have to sit in the corner ---If you have to ask, you don't understand Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
HotLoad 0 #7 December 6, 2001 I've been to Terlingua before, so I know first hand what goes on down there. I was not making any reference to your display of aforementioned Boobies, but I do get the feeling that you're on the defensive side. Flashing and not telling is grounds for capital punishment here in TX, you should know that by now. Since I didn't make it down there this year, I would love to hear your Boobie stories even if you don't include your own exposures. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #8 December 6, 2001 Sounds like that was in Snook at the annual Chili fest, except in Snook its mainly an excuse to eat a crap load of Bar-B-Q, drink an obscene amount of beer (for three days straight) and listen to some of the best country music artists in the country at one time. (That's *good* country, not that Nashville-blond-hair-N'sync-wanna-be-pretty-boy-country-crap.)AggieDave '02-------------Blue Skies and Gig'em Ags!BTHO t.u. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #9 December 6, 2001 "That's *good* country, not that Nashville-blond-hair-N'sync-wanna-be-pretty-boy-country-crap.)"You forgot to spit and add "Dawg Goneitt" at the end there....."and I'm not easily impressed...Ooohh look...a blue car!" -Homer Simpson Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #10 December 6, 2001 *insert Cooter laugh here* AggieDave '02-------------Blue Skies and Gig'em Ags!BTHO t.u. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FallingILweenie 0 #11 December 6, 2001 So that's what it's like in the south....i can see it now: someone comes in too hot and takes out the formation, as it's breaking up the camera freezes and you hear waylon jennings "now, how do you suppose them duke boys will be able to turn points?"blue skiesTomas Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #12 December 6, 2001 "now, how do you suppose them duke boys will be able to turn points?"STOP IT...there's some damn company tour going through here and I'm laughing my ass off!!!! Of course now I'm typing so they think I'm hard at work......BWAHHAHAHAHAHAA"and I'm not easily impressed...Ooohh look...a blue car!" -Homer Simpson Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skybytch 259 #13 December 6, 2001 Quote"now, how do you suppose them duke boys will be able to turn points?"Aw, them duke boys'll figger sumthin out I'm shure. I jes bet they will seeins how they always do. I shure hope they do some more of that screechin tires on dirt roads stuff, that always impressed me so much.pull and flare,lisa Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #14 December 6, 2001 Hey, they can do a hell of a rigging job with some bailing wire, duct tape and a pocket knife.(Go see my Dukes of Hazzard joke song thing in another thread)AggieDave '02-------------Blue Skies and Gig'em Ags!BTHO t.u. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
