Joke

[skreamer 1]

The couple has been married only two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. "Honey," says he to his new bride, "I'll be right back..." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asks the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." "You want a beer, My Love?" She opens the refrigerator door shows him 25 different brands of beer from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, including six places he's never even heard of.
The husband is nonplussed, and all he can think to say is, "Yes, Honey Pie, but the bar you know...the frozen glass..." He hasn't finished the sentence before wifey interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She hands him a mug out of the freezer that is so cold that it burns his fingers
"Yes, Tootsie Roll," hubby says a bit desperately, "but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and removes 15 different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But, Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Here...DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!"

[hooked 0]

HAHAHAHA!

[Slowfaller 0]

Disclamer: Do not take offense if you are blond, its only a joke
How do you know when a blond is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil
CHris

[SpeedRacer 1]

BWAHAHAHA! goodone slowfaller
Speed Racer
"My God! It's full of stars!"

[SpeedRacer 1]

An Irish guy, and Italian guy & a Polish guy are sitting in a bar having a drink together.
the Irish guy says, "Y'know, this is a pretty good bar. But in Dublin there's a pub called O'Briens, where if you order two drinks, you get the third drink free!"
the Italian guy says, "That's cool, but in Rome there's a place called Vito's. If you buy one drink there, Vito's buys you the second drink!"
Everyone agrees this is great, but then the Polish guy says, "I can top that! In Warsaw there's a bar called Kowalski's! If you go in there, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your THIRD drink, and then, ....they take you in the back & you get laid!"
The other two guys turn to him & say, "Wow, did that actually happen to you??"
The Polish guy says, "Well, no. But it happened to my sister!!"
Speed Racer
"My God! It's full of stars!"

[skreamer 1]

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

[scottbre 0]

So did he want to make a sandwich or what?
"Can't keep my mind from the circling sky. Tongue-tied & twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I."

[Nick 0]

You may have heard these 2 before but that did make me laugh
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you all right?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'
***************************************************************
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -the cow was killed.
Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh .
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."
Nick

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people
in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over
I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Support the cause - do a skydive(r)

• Quote

[larry 0]

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a Traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn."What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn?
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"
Larry

[scottbre 0]

Quote

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

subtle but funny. "Can't keep my mind from the circling sky. Tongue-tied & twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I."

[ShortBus 0]

A man arrives home after a long hard day at work and sees there is a message on his answering machine. He listens to it and its a Doctor and he says "Bob your wife has just been in a serious accident you need to get down the to Emergency room right away" The man runs out the door and Flies like a bat outta hell to the hospital. When he arrives the Doctor sets him down and says "bob you wife was in a serious car accident and is paralyzed from the neck down, From now on youll have to feed her, bathe her, Change her since she cant control her bowels, you will have to tend to her every need." and the man breaks down and starts crying the doctor then says "Im just Fuckin with ya shes Dead"
kinda morbid but always good for a laugh
dan-
"get on the bus"

[ShortBus 0]

A man walks into his sons room and catches him masteurbating the dad says son if you keep playing with yourself youll go blind the son then raises his hand and says "Eh over here Dad"
=)

[larry 0]

See attachment...
Larry

[JMC 0]

An Irish guy walks into a bar. He sits down and asks for 3 shots of Irish whiskey.
The bartender replies "3 shots, you must be really broken up about something"
The Irishman replies "One shot is for me, the other 2 I will drink for my brothers who are still back in Ireland"
This goes on once a week for a few months until one day the Irishman only asks for 2 shots.
The bartender asks "Oh no, did something happen to one of your brothers?"
The Irishman replies "No, this week I quit drinking"

[SpeedRacer 1]

BWAHAHAHA! Good one Larry! I'd actually give that guy a handout!
Speed Racer
"My God! It's full of stars!"

[lummy 4]

see attached

[canopycudler 0]

DAMN.. that was GOOD!! That was print worthy!!
Blue skies & sunset jumps
...Tina

[lazerq3 0]

But theres something I dont understand..........did the dog have to pay for that fish..? cause that would be a big waste if he did
jason

[Snowbird 0]

Thanks all, I needed a lift!
'Bad Day Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.
Hi, Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.'

[lazerq3 0]

No disrespect and I 'm glad to here hes ok but.................BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
that is tooooo funny!!!!!
jason