And ruined the whole damn thing

[freefallfreak 0]

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
.........
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.
TripleF
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[jfields 0]

Nah. The mouth can come in useful also. Justin

[freefallfreak 0]

Another Blonde Story
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your finger off?" "No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid 'Three Thousand Dollars' to get my teeth straightened out, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before
I pulled the trigger."
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[AggieDave 6]

God made all the earth and he was happy.
He made Adam and he was happy.
He and Adam would spend a lot of time together and they had become great friends, until after a while God couldn't find Adam. When he found him, he saw that Adam was very sad. Adam said, "God, you're a great God, you've given me all I can as for in a beautiful garden, I have you, but I'm lonily, I need a companion." God nodded, he understood and said, "Adam, I can make you a perfect mate, that will be everything that you will ever need and will make you happy for all of your life." Adam says, "Sounds great, but expensive..." God says, "well it will cost you your left leg and your right arm." Adam is a bit taken back at how much it costs and tells God he'll get back to him.
A few days go by and Adam has been trying to decide what to do, finally he goes back to God and asks, "All of that sounds good God, but what can I get for a rib?"
"Give me one ping and one ping only..."

[freefallfreak 0]

Hamsters!

(If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush
burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!!!)
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the
two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded,"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" she inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know, "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a
moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy." "What!?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's...just...Excited?" my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.
This is a joke, ya'll...especially for Justin....lol..
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[freefallfreak 0]

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost
drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength...and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, " Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence...to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[freefallfreak 0]

The nurse
Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are there to get a vasectomy. The nurse comes into the room and tells both men to "strip & put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedure done". A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?" To which she replied "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to fondle the 2nd man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job??" The nurse simply replies, "That's the difference between an HMO & complete coverage!!"
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[jfields 0]

Freefallfreak,
Damn, that is hillarious!
I'm just glad your kids had pet hamsters and not a pony or something.
The pets we are most likely to get later will be fish. As a child, I buried fish in the front yard in a matchbox, and at sea. (Well, you know... but calling it "burial at sea" sounds so much better.)
I won't be getting any fancy expensive fish, either. Nope. Goldfish, black mollies and other cheapies that we can simply replace for like 50 cents if we find one floating. By the time the kids are old enough to figure it out, they'll be taking care of the fish themselves. Justin

[freefallfreak 0]

The proposal -
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is...


"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[freefallfreak 0]

Periodic Elements

Valuable scientific data. Two proposed new additions to the periodic table of elements:
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[freefallfreak 0]

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[freefallfreak 0]

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[freefallfreak 0]

SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[freefallfreak 0]

AXIOMS FOR OUR TIMES:
1. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity.
2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
6.Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.
7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
11. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
12. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
13. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
14. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
15. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
16. Why does Mike Tyson cry during lovemaking?
Mace will do that to you.
17. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Kentucky?
Everyone has the same DNA.
18. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Chests don't have eyes.
19. Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
20. What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
21. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
22. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!"
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[freefallfreak 0]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to
give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see
what she does with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a
fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new
outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has
done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The
man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets
him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some
expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is
impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in
a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man
thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and
then he......married the one with the biggest tits..Men are Men.
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[freefallfreak 0]

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[freefallfreak 0]

An American was touring Spain and after a day of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only
did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy! We call it criadilla." The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senior. There is only one serving per day since there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senior! Sometimes the bull wins!"
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[freefallfreak 0]

Whew, ok, I'll stop now..lol.
But just for the record - did I miss anyone?? Or have I offended everyone??? LOL...
(Equal opportunity, ya' know...lol..)
TripleF
"If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

[lummy 4]

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat, he emails you back from his bedroom.
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her website.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6-months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid for it.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20-50 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else!!! yep...
Make up your own ending,let me know just how you feel....

[lippy 776]

Quote

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

What's your point?
"It's not a real sport unless you can die from massive internal trauma"

[freeflir29 0]

Quote

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her website

Hey...at least she is JUST selling cookies....."I only have a C license, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[lummy 4]

Point? Who needs a point?
gotta run. I'm in the middle of setting up my kids web site so they can sell wrapping paper and I have to pick up dinner but the drive thru line is around the corner and her I am replying to this on my e-mail enabled cell phone
Make up your own ending,let me know just how you feel....

[Billy 0]

FFF,,
Your hamster !! LOL!! Anybody see South Park last night?? Think FFF was tryin to launch the red rocket!!
Don't read this shit down here,, it's nonsense,,,