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DYEVOUT

Disgusting Friday Fecal Humor

By DYEVOUT, in The Bonfire

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DYEVOUT    0

DYEVOUT
forward:

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect
dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down
expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless
masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert
diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find
that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with
the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's
tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have
been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy
dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The
chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13
telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly
serpent. You wonder admiringly, ''DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?''
you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump -- In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the
ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to
dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump -- This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly
formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make
da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to
break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to
discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your
throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the
curtains?'' Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you
must come to the same conclusion that every ''empty roll dumper'' must
face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the
nearest full roll.

The Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth
charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your
bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do?
ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't
pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.

The Alfresco Dump -- Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This
can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a
good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive
forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude
is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through
the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking
over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You
wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper
headlines screaming ''Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf.'' You realize
you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom.
Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an
Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through
it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump -- The phrase ''Shit Happens'' really applies here in
a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your
lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be
better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will
spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal
position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime
peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break
the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor
like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking
something about “damn Commies.”

The Sound Effect Dump -- You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends
or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques
to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously
very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following
sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national
anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump -- You have enough on your mind when you're in the
bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to
find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing
spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot
against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump -- For the most part you've completed your dump, but
there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting
impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with
both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece
just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and
the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has
scissors.

The Houdini Dump -- You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing
has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream
the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you
should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because
if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who
comes in.

The Flu Dump -- You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put
down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea
rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your
intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you
wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump -- Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will
tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be,
“It's like taking a shit in an upright coffin.” It's claustrophobic and it
smells bad... best advice... go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump -- In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the
sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there
is nothing biblical about it -- you run out of gas. That's right, you run
out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and
refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just
stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to
squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The
other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a
pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be
enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The
whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump -- You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the
receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a
creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs
there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together,
wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another
dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is
seven encores.

The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say “Lord,
if I live through this, I'll take up religion.” You always get through it,
but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again
dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.

----------------=8^)----------------------
"I think that was the wrong tennis court."

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mattb    0

mattb
Construction workers, outdorr concert goers, and skydivers at boogies . . . .
Quote

forward:
The Porta-Pottie Dump -- Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will
tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be,
“It's like taking a shit in an upright coffin.” It's claustrophobic and it
smells bad... best advice... go in a paper cup.
reply]

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CrazyIvan    0

CrazyIvan
There is one more:

The IN-A-HURRY dump: You are doing something important and you have to take a dump, you rush to the bathroom, drop your pants, BLAST IT, and leave it doesn't matter if you're done, some shit left your body, that's all it matters.
__________________________________________
Blue Skies and May the Force be with you.

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wmw999    2,163

wmw999
Apparently in Germany, it's common for toilets to have little platforms to catch your deposit, and leave it there to be inspected until it's flushed. I think that prevents the splashback, too. That would give you a whole new opportunity for analysis.

heh heh. she said "anal". heh heh

Wendy W.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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DYEVOUT    0

DYEVOUT
Oh, man

That would reek !! Half the reason for the water is odor control. A healthy beer/sauerkraut load could potentially cost you your life, if it doesn't get underwater quick !

----------------=8^)----------------------
"I think that was the wrong tennis court."

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