Gawain 0 #1 January 31, 2003 Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed", she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way, enjoying a great weekend of skiing. Nine months later... Jack received a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow woman that let us sleep in her barn on our ski trip up north?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything." (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Caught you smiling - Keep it up So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright 'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life Make light! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #2 January 31, 2003 Temperatures 70 degrees and above Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear People in Minnesota go swimming in the Lakes. 60 above zero North Carolinians try to turn on the heat People in Minnesota plant gardens. 50 above Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe. 40 above Italian & English cars won't start People in Minnesota drive with the windows down 32 above Distilled water freezes. Lake Superior's water gets thicker. 20 above Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt. 15 above Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold. 0 People in Miami all die... Minnesotians lick the flagpole. 20 below zero Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Minnesota get out their winter coats. 40 below Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door. 60 below Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Minnesota Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 80 below Mt. St. Helens freezes. People in Minnesota rent some videos. 100 below Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg. 297 below Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products Cows in Minnesota complain about farmers with cold hands. 460 below ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?" 500 below Hell freezes over. The Vikings win the Super Bowl!__________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sharpfive 0 #3 January 31, 2003 A traveling salesman's car breaks down in the country. He walks up to a farmer's house for help. The farmer says "You're welcome to stay the night until help arrives tomorrow. But I have a small house and no extra room, so you'll have to sleep with my son." The salesman says, "Sorry, I'm in the wrong joke," and leaves. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mattb 0 #4 January 31, 2003 Ha! Not too far from the truth about Minnesota. Last weekend myself and the to-be in laws were visiting my parents there. My fiancee's dad asked at what temperature did we cancel the hunting trip we had planned - what was he thinking, it was only -11 - who wouldn't want to go walk for 5 hours outside? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QuickDraw 0 #5 January 31, 2003 A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank fuck for that !" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!" -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bvsdjumper 0 #6 January 31, 2003 FORD - When you really need to haul ass. Work Safe Sky-div'ing (ski'div'ing) n. A modern sport that involves parties, bragging, sexual excesses, the imbibing of large quantities of beer, and, on rare occasions, parachuting from aircraft. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sharpfive 0 #7 January 31, 2003 I wonder if they're going to sue McDonalds Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumperconway 0 #8 January 31, 2003 I take offense to that , I WAS that dog! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jessd 0 #9 January 31, 2003 I got this in an email today. Fart Football An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says "seven points." His wife rolls over and says"What in the world was that?" The old man replied "fart football." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says "I'm ahead14-7." Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says"Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds later she squeezes out a squeaker and says "field goal, I lead 17-14." Now the pressure is on the old man and he refuses to get beat by a woman, so he really bears down hard, but to no avail. Realizing defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has and craps the bed. The wife looks and says "What the hell was that?" The old man replies "Halftime------- switch sides" "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away..." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JeffGordon 0 #10 January 31, 2003 WORK SAFE??? That's not safe for any where. My GOD MY EYES Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QuickDraw 0 #11 January 31, 2003 > The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in > October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and some > British > authority. > The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95. > > BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a > collision > > AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to > avoid a > collision > > BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South > to > avoid a collision. > > AMERICANS: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR > course. > > BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course. > > AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP > IN THE > UNITED > STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE > CRUISERS, AND > NUMEROUS > SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. > THAT'S 15 > DEGREES NORTH, > OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. > > BRITS: We are a lighthouse. F*** off -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,179 #12 January 31, 2003 Man, those US Navy ship captains sure are stupid. I've heard this about lighthouses in Canada, the West Coast, and the East Coast of the US. You'd think they'd include that in captain school.Wendy W. There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gawain 0 #13 January 31, 2003 http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm It's a great laugh...alas... So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright 'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life Make light! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QuickDraw 0 #14 February 1, 2003 Male come-back lines. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat minger. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: That explains the moustache then! (CLASSIC!!!!) Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilised. Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged. Man: Would you like to dance? Woman: I'd rather eat glass. Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants. Man: Where have you been all my life? Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else. Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches. Man: You're pretty Woman: Piss off. Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat slapper. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
