GiaKrembs 0 #1 December 12, 2003 have problems with their folks... My Dad and I have not spoken for a year. Primarily because I gave up trying to be the one to make contact with no reciprocation. Coupled by the fact that when I do talk to him, he makes me feel like the lowest form of life on earth! Well,ut of the blue he calls me two nights ago, did not leave a message and now I'm all freaked out about having to call him back. Nothing like a little phone call to send me into a tail spin!!! Just curious if anyone else has any advise for dealing with dead beat parents. ciao, g Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nightingale 0 #2 December 12, 2003 Call him. If he's reaching out to you (or just maybe has something important to tell you) it may be to your benefit to call. You won't be any worse off for calling, and if he starts putting you down, explain that you will not tolerate being spoken to in that manner and hang up. Its not easy, but once you start putting your foot down, it gets easier every time. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
weegegirl 2 #3 December 12, 2003 That sucks, dude. You can share my parents with me! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites GiaKrembs 0 #4 December 12, 2003 Hi Nightingale, Yea, I try and calm myself by thinking that it will be okay speaking with him.... I'm almost certain I know why he's calling - his mother passed away 3 years ago December 20th - so he's probably feeling lonely. I just get a bit angry that he only seems to call when he needs something from me, and never is there for me. I'll most likely muster up the courage to call him this evening. g Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites GiaKrembs 0 #5 December 12, 2003 Awww thanks Weegirl! I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful Mother. She is so cool, and supportive of everything I do (even if she doesn't necessarily agree). So, for the most part it balances out well enough. Blue skies, g Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites dropdeded 0 #6 December 12, 2003 Im working on building a relationship with my father, we have never had any kind of relationship, mostly if not all due to my stupid choices in life. He has some pretty serious health issues and I am taking full advantage of the chance I have been given with him. I hope something similar can happen for you someday. dropdeded------------------------------------------ The Dude Abides. - Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites happythoughts 0 #7 December 12, 2003 I'll tell you what I've told my son. He pays his rent, car, insurance bills. He supports himself. When you become responsible for your life and act as an adult, you get the priviledges of one. At that point, your parents just become other adults. You deal with them as any other adults. If they abuse your emotions, you deal with them in that way. If you enjoy their company, you do that. If things are going well and then they turn sour, leave. Set down rules. Chaos is not allowed. If they don't like your rules, then they lose. People only put up with stuff if there is something of value that comes with it. If you choose to allow an amount of heartache, then only you can decide how valuable that the trade-off is. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites GiaKrembs 0 #8 December 12, 2003 Hi Ed, I tried to focus on our relationship and not let it falter (would hate to have the feeling of "what if"). This was a hot topic for me through many years of counseling. But, I don't know that he has the desire as much as me.... There is nothing more significant than a childs feeling of acceptance and approval from ones' parent - I just don't get that from my Dad. I so desperatlely want to hear that he is proud of my accomplishments - not "you're so stupid, can't you do anything right." Oh well, maybe someday he'll get it and we will have that relationship! g Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites TequilaGirl 0 #9 December 12, 2003 I have not spoken to my mother in about 7 months or so ...and I have no desire to. All mother ever trys to do is make me feel like shit...so I have cut her out of my life....made the mistake that "she may be reaching out to me" when I responded to a birthday gift she sent to my office....nothing had changed she just missed making me feel like shit....and used a gift to get me to call her. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites MyOwnWay 0 #10 December 12, 2003 i can relate._________________________________________ all good things are wild and free - Henry David Thoreau Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Nightingale 0 #11 December 12, 2003 My dad has never once told me he's proud of me... but he says it in a million other little ways. sometimes someone is just incapable of saying the words. my dad says I'm a fool and a moron for skydiving. And then, he brags to his secretary about how brave I am. sometimes, the person is really an asshole... and other times, you just have to listen with more than your ears. sometimes, you have to accept that a person's inability to be happy for you is because they are unable to see past their own misery... and if that's the case, you can choose to either look past it, find that one little bit of good in them, and appreciate them for it, or you can walk away. neither choice is any more or less correct. you just have to make the right decision for you. There's this wonderful little book you might want to read. Its only about 100 pages, and its all about recognizing what's inside yourself, and what's coming through to you from others. The feedback you get from others is never truly reliable, because everyone sees the world through their own lens. You can have ten people look at the same thing, and get ten different interpretations of what they saw. The book is called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Its a really easy read, and it really can help you change your own negative thought patterns, which makes it a lot easier to get along with others. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Kat69 0 #12 December 12, 2003 I have problems with my mother. She is very controling. In fact she tried really hard to get me to go to the same college as her and to become a layer like her. She got my HS transcripts and sent off a letter to the head dean about me to get one of their alumni scholerships. Everytime I go home to visit. Someone is joining us for dinner every night. A layer friend and such. I guess that is why I am so rebelious.*********************************************** Wine Me, Dine Me, 69 Me Then spank me like a bad puppy dog. Ms_Kitty Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites RedassSkychic 0 #13 December 12, 2003 my advice.. call him for sure. I will be sending you vibes! btw, I wish I was brave enough to do the same. Having similar troubles with my dad but I am dealing with it because I understand that he has his own way of dealing with issues (right or wrong is debateable) but ultimately I can understand how he feels because I am alot like him. He is human too even if he is a father. That was probably incoherent but..... best of luck! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites flyangel2 2 #14 December 12, 2003 QuoteI have problems with my mother. She is very controling. In fact she tried really hard to get me to go to the same college as her and to become a layer like her. She got my HS transcripts and sent off a letter to the head dean about me to get one of their alumni scholerships. Everytime I go home to visit. Someone is joining us for dinner every night. A layer friend and such. I guess that is why I am so rebelious. What's a layer? I am very, very lucky. Both my mom and dad are very supportive. I come from a close family. GiaKrembs, give your dad a call. Take him to lunch and see if you can fix things before it's too late.May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Nightingale 0 #15 December 12, 2003 my guess is she meant Lawyer. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites DivaSkyChick 0 #16 December 12, 2003 Gia, Did you call him yet? If not, call him wherever you know he's not, leave a message that you saw that he had called. Be upbeat and say something rrrrreally nice. Then get off the phone and stay away from phones until he calls and leaves you a message - then you can hear from his tone whether he plans to destroy you or not.... Okay, that's pretty game-y, you could just call and say hi like all the wise people here have advised! But this way at least you'll kinda know what you're getting into... Father / daughter issues SUCK! --- www.facebook.com/mandyhamptonfitch Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites TypicalFish 0 #17 December 12, 2003 I would second those who say "Call Him"... When you think about it, the only thing you can control are your own actions, so do what you think is best regardless of what the expected outcome from him is. Trust me when I tell you I speak from experience. I would also add that when he becomes terminally ill, or some other crisis is NOT the time to finally give it a shot. By that time it is too late. Do it now and get it in the open. Sadly, also from experience."I gargle no man's balls..." ussfpa on SOCNET Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites GiaKrembs 0 #18 December 12, 2003 Hi Mandy, You crack me up - actually can't say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind but the man lives in the dark ages and does not even have an answering machine! Even if I do call, he'll never know unless he is there to answer the phone~! Thanks Mandy - gave me a nice chuckle this morning!!! Hey, how was your trip to NY - 20" of snow must have been fun to deal with over the weekend. I made it in time for the rain, WOOHOOO I did get to clock my co-worker in the head a couple times during a snowball fight after dinner on Tuesday. Drunken debauchery on a Tuesday night!!! YEAH ciao, g Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites GiaKrembs 0 #19 December 12, 2003 Hi Nightingale, That looks like a pretty cool book. I have to head over to Barnes and Nobles today for gifts for my customer's, I'll pick this one out for myself! Thanks, gia Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Nightingale 0 #20 December 12, 2003 its a wonderful book! honestly, it really helped me with my relationship with my dad. He can be very rough and critical, and the book helped me understand that those are HIS issues, and I really don't need to borrow them. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites dropdeded 0 #21 December 12, 2003 I sincerely hope your Dad see's things differently eventually, he is deffinately missing out on something too. There was a time when my father wanted nothing to do with me, but that was with good reason, and I do realize I have been blessed with an opportunity that not every son or daughter gets. dropdeded------------------------------------------ The Dude Abides. - Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites caress 0 #22 December 12, 2003 Hi GiaKrembs, I do believe that you just told me this morning that life is beautiful with love in your life. If your father is finally reaching out to you, why are you even considering turning away from an outstretched hand? This may be what you've been reaching for all those years and your going to let him go? I'd really give that some serious thought if the above quote is a true part of your heart. How can you say that his love is something you can do without? I'm not saying that the emotions your feeling now or when you get on the phone with him are going to be anything easy to do at all. {{{{{VIBES}}}}} to you sky sis- if you need me, I'll be here for you-Caress I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites flyinghonu 0 #23 December 12, 2003 Unfortunately I don't think people realize what an ass they can be until its too late. I have the same type of situation w/ my biological father. Who by the way thought my wedding would be the proper place to bring up unresolved issues - nice, huh? In my situation, I've chosen to be the bigger person. I keep up the communication because I didn't chose him, he IS my father, and life is too short to sweat the stupid sh**! Even though he rarely reciprocates communication when I need it most, in the end I will never feel that our relationship problems were due to my own failure to try and work it out. Hang in there - you're not alone "Excuse me while I kiss the sky..." - Jimi Hendrix Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Join the conversation You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible. Reply to this topic... × Pasted as rich text. Paste as plain text instead Only 75 emoji are allowed. × Your link has been automatically embedded. Display as a link instead × Your previous content has been restored. Clear editor × You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL. Insert image from URL × Desktop Tablet Phone Submit Reply 0
GiaKrembs 0 #4 December 12, 2003 Hi Nightingale, Yea, I try and calm myself by thinking that it will be okay speaking with him.... I'm almost certain I know why he's calling - his mother passed away 3 years ago December 20th - so he's probably feeling lonely. I just get a bit angry that he only seems to call when he needs something from me, and never is there for me. I'll most likely muster up the courage to call him this evening. g Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GiaKrembs 0 #5 December 12, 2003 Awww thanks Weegirl! I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful Mother. She is so cool, and supportive of everything I do (even if she doesn't necessarily agree). So, for the most part it balances out well enough. Blue skies, g Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeded 0 #6 December 12, 2003 Im working on building a relationship with my father, we have never had any kind of relationship, mostly if not all due to my stupid choices in life. He has some pretty serious health issues and I am taking full advantage of the chance I have been given with him. I hope something similar can happen for you someday. dropdeded------------------------------------------ The Dude Abides. - Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #7 December 12, 2003 I'll tell you what I've told my son. He pays his rent, car, insurance bills. He supports himself. When you become responsible for your life and act as an adult, you get the priviledges of one. At that point, your parents just become other adults. You deal with them as any other adults. If they abuse your emotions, you deal with them in that way. If you enjoy their company, you do that. If things are going well and then they turn sour, leave. Set down rules. Chaos is not allowed. If they don't like your rules, then they lose. People only put up with stuff if there is something of value that comes with it. If you choose to allow an amount of heartache, then only you can decide how valuable that the trade-off is. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GiaKrembs 0 #8 December 12, 2003 Hi Ed, I tried to focus on our relationship and not let it falter (would hate to have the feeling of "what if"). This was a hot topic for me through many years of counseling. But, I don't know that he has the desire as much as me.... There is nothing more significant than a childs feeling of acceptance and approval from ones' parent - I just don't get that from my Dad. I so desperatlely want to hear that he is proud of my accomplishments - not "you're so stupid, can't you do anything right." Oh well, maybe someday he'll get it and we will have that relationship! g Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TequilaGirl 0 #9 December 12, 2003 I have not spoken to my mother in about 7 months or so ...and I have no desire to. All mother ever trys to do is make me feel like shit...so I have cut her out of my life....made the mistake that "she may be reaching out to me" when I responded to a birthday gift she sent to my office....nothing had changed she just missed making me feel like shit....and used a gift to get me to call her. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MyOwnWay 0 #10 December 12, 2003 i can relate._________________________________________ all good things are wild and free - Henry David Thoreau Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nightingale 0 #11 December 12, 2003 My dad has never once told me he's proud of me... but he says it in a million other little ways. sometimes someone is just incapable of saying the words. my dad says I'm a fool and a moron for skydiving. And then, he brags to his secretary about how brave I am. sometimes, the person is really an asshole... and other times, you just have to listen with more than your ears. sometimes, you have to accept that a person's inability to be happy for you is because they are unable to see past their own misery... and if that's the case, you can choose to either look past it, find that one little bit of good in them, and appreciate them for it, or you can walk away. neither choice is any more or less correct. you just have to make the right decision for you. There's this wonderful little book you might want to read. Its only about 100 pages, and its all about recognizing what's inside yourself, and what's coming through to you from others. The feedback you get from others is never truly reliable, because everyone sees the world through their own lens. You can have ten people look at the same thing, and get ten different interpretations of what they saw. The book is called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Its a really easy read, and it really can help you change your own negative thought patterns, which makes it a lot easier to get along with others. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kat69 0 #12 December 12, 2003 I have problems with my mother. She is very controling. In fact she tried really hard to get me to go to the same college as her and to become a layer like her. She got my HS transcripts and sent off a letter to the head dean about me to get one of their alumni scholerships. Everytime I go home to visit. Someone is joining us for dinner every night. A layer friend and such. I guess that is why I am so rebelious.*********************************************** Wine Me, Dine Me, 69 Me Then spank me like a bad puppy dog. Ms_Kitty Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RedassSkychic 0 #13 December 12, 2003 my advice.. call him for sure. I will be sending you vibes! btw, I wish I was brave enough to do the same. Having similar troubles with my dad but I am dealing with it because I understand that he has his own way of dealing with issues (right or wrong is debateable) but ultimately I can understand how he feels because I am alot like him. He is human too even if he is a father. That was probably incoherent but..... best of luck! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
flyangel2 2 #14 December 12, 2003 QuoteI have problems with my mother. She is very controling. In fact she tried really hard to get me to go to the same college as her and to become a layer like her. She got my HS transcripts and sent off a letter to the head dean about me to get one of their alumni scholerships. Everytime I go home to visit. Someone is joining us for dinner every night. A layer friend and such. I guess that is why I am so rebelious. What's a layer? I am very, very lucky. Both my mom and dad are very supportive. I come from a close family. GiaKrembs, give your dad a call. Take him to lunch and see if you can fix things before it's too late.May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nightingale 0 #15 December 12, 2003 my guess is she meant Lawyer. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DivaSkyChick 0 #16 December 12, 2003 Gia, Did you call him yet? If not, call him wherever you know he's not, leave a message that you saw that he had called. Be upbeat and say something rrrrreally nice. Then get off the phone and stay away from phones until he calls and leaves you a message - then you can hear from his tone whether he plans to destroy you or not.... Okay, that's pretty game-y, you could just call and say hi like all the wise people here have advised! But this way at least you'll kinda know what you're getting into... Father / daughter issues SUCK! --- www.facebook.com/mandyhamptonfitch Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TypicalFish 0 #17 December 12, 2003 I would second those who say "Call Him"... When you think about it, the only thing you can control are your own actions, so do what you think is best regardless of what the expected outcome from him is. Trust me when I tell you I speak from experience. I would also add that when he becomes terminally ill, or some other crisis is NOT the time to finally give it a shot. By that time it is too late. Do it now and get it in the open. Sadly, also from experience."I gargle no man's balls..." ussfpa on SOCNET Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GiaKrembs 0 #18 December 12, 2003 Hi Mandy, You crack me up - actually can't say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind but the man lives in the dark ages and does not even have an answering machine! Even if I do call, he'll never know unless he is there to answer the phone~! Thanks Mandy - gave me a nice chuckle this morning!!! Hey, how was your trip to NY - 20" of snow must have been fun to deal with over the weekend. I made it in time for the rain, WOOHOOO I did get to clock my co-worker in the head a couple times during a snowball fight after dinner on Tuesday. Drunken debauchery on a Tuesday night!!! YEAH ciao, g Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GiaKrembs 0 #19 December 12, 2003 Hi Nightingale, That looks like a pretty cool book. I have to head over to Barnes and Nobles today for gifts for my customer's, I'll pick this one out for myself! Thanks, gia Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nightingale 0 #20 December 12, 2003 its a wonderful book! honestly, it really helped me with my relationship with my dad. He can be very rough and critical, and the book helped me understand that those are HIS issues, and I really don't need to borrow them. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeded 0 #21 December 12, 2003 I sincerely hope your Dad see's things differently eventually, he is deffinately missing out on something too. There was a time when my father wanted nothing to do with me, but that was with good reason, and I do realize I have been blessed with an opportunity that not every son or daughter gets. dropdeded------------------------------------------ The Dude Abides. - Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
caress 0 #22 December 12, 2003 Hi GiaKrembs, I do believe that you just told me this morning that life is beautiful with love in your life. If your father is finally reaching out to you, why are you even considering turning away from an outstretched hand? This may be what you've been reaching for all those years and your going to let him go? I'd really give that some serious thought if the above quote is a true part of your heart. How can you say that his love is something you can do without? I'm not saying that the emotions your feeling now or when you get on the phone with him are going to be anything easy to do at all. {{{{{VIBES}}}}} to you sky sis- if you need me, I'll be here for you-Caress I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
flyinghonu 0 #23 December 12, 2003 Unfortunately I don't think people realize what an ass they can be until its too late. I have the same type of situation w/ my biological father. Who by the way thought my wedding would be the proper place to bring up unresolved issues - nice, huh? In my situation, I've chosen to be the bigger person. I keep up the communication because I didn't chose him, he IS my father, and life is too short to sweat the stupid sh**! Even though he rarely reciprocates communication when I need it most, in the end I will never feel that our relationship problems were due to my own failure to try and work it out. Hang in there - you're not alone "Excuse me while I kiss the sky..." - Jimi Hendrix Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
