Same old story ... different people

[taln1rigr 0]

In a nutshell; been married 9 years, have 2 kids (ages 5 & 3). Begged & pleaded for my husband to initiate sex/intimate relationship so many times I can't see straight. I finally make up my mind that I deserve better so I decide to leave WY & go back home to FL & he finally decides to wake-up.
In the past, he's said he'd work on this problem but things only changed for a few months then went right back to the way they were. I will have to admit, it does seem he's genuinely interested in making the change this time but I'm afraid of letting him have another chance ... I'm not sure if my heart has such a high wall up now that he'll never be able to make it right.
So one part of me says go now while my stuff is all packed & I've got a job lined up ... & the other part of me says I can't leave this commitment if he's willing to try.

What'cha think?

[McDuck 0]

Nobody here, or anywhere else, can tell you what to do or how to do it. Deep down inside, you know what you should do. It's just in the doing that it all becomes difficult.

Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28
"I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC
Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school.

[kinney29 0]

I wish I was qualified to give a good answer, but since I've never been married you will have to take what I say with a grain of salt.

I've seen my parents Dad and Step-mom) go through some extremely tough times. I've seen them come to the point of divorce more than once. Even at 26 I still get upset since I went through a divorce as a child (3) and my life is affected by it even today. But they have gotten through with lots of councelling, and a lot of prayer. However, do not stay together just because of the kids. A marriage has to be a two way street. You both have to give in some. Have you had any councelling?

I know this might have not a helped but, I really feel for people going through tough times in their lives. Good luck, you'll be in my prayers.

[Lindsey 0]

I've been married 9 years and have 1 kid. Right now I'm going through a divorce. I stayed with him waaaay to long, hoping that things would get better and letting him treat me like crap along the way. I was so determined to keep our family together because I couldn't stand the thought of my child growing up with his parents divorced. I HATE this for him, but what he was seeing at home was worse, imho. Nobody knows your situation but you. I think had things not come to a real head a couple months ago I would have stayed no-telling-how-long.... It's just a hard, hard decision to make. Divorce is stressful too. Good luck.

--
A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail

[freeflir29 0]

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In the past, he's said he'd work on this problem but things only changed for a few months then went right back to the way they were.

People are who they are and RARELY change forever. They can try but it doesn't usually happen.

[ERAUSkydiver 0]

Ok, I'm a 23 year old bachelor, so I probably dont count as far as having any valid advice on this subject... but the only problem that you seemed to identify was failing to initiate sex/ intimate relationship. Now, intimate relationship could be considered many things, but I definately wouldnt think that you should leave yer spouse just because of lack of sex/ physical intimacy (if that is all you mean by intimacy, which it might not be). I mean, if he is a total a-hole that treats you like crap... that's one thing and I'd suggest you get out now, but a lack of physical intimacy is entirely another situation.

But like I said, I am no more qualified to speak on this than I am to design a nuclear power plant, but I have strong opinions on divorce, and I just had to let my opinion loose.

[ematteo 0]

Sex in marriage is important and don't let anyone tell you differently. Hope you can work it out.

-a 31-year old married guy

[PrairieDoug 0]

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I definately wouldnt think that you should leave yer spouse just because of lack of sex/ physical intimacy

My view is different. Intimacy is a fundamental part of the human experience, and it's a legit thing to expect from a partner. Plus, my experience has been that "not getting any" is just the tip of the iceberg... it reflects a disconnect at other levels.

[chachi 0]

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I definately wouldnt think that you should leave yer spouse just because of lack of sex/ physical intimacy

My view is different. Intimacy is a fundamental part of the human experience, and it's a legit thing to expect from a partner. Plus, my experience has been that "not getting any" is just the tip of the iceberg... it reflects a disconnect at other levels.

I totally agree, sex and intimacy is an integral part of a relationship and you can usually determine how your relationship is going by the regularity and quality of your sex life. If I wasn't getting any, I would be gone because getting turned down all the time does terrible things for your self esteem. Also, your kids deserve to see loving and cuddling and all the things that make up a healthy relationhsip so they know that is important naturally when they get to that age. People who come from frigid homes turn out to be non effectionate and emotionally closed off people.

~Chachi

[ERAUSkydiver 0]

Still though.. it's "Until death do us part", not "until the sex/ intamacy declines". I'm all for divorces when one partner is being violent/ abusive/ life destroying to the other or endangering the welfare of a child, but I really hate how marriage no longer really means, "I am with you and will always be with you."

[Lindsey 0]

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Still though.. it's "Until death do us part", not "until the sex/ intamacy declines". I'm all for divorces when one partner is being violent/ abusive/ life destroying to the other or endangering the welfare of a child, but I really hate how marriage no longer really means, "I am with you and will always be with you."

Unfortunately one partner can leave the relationship long before anyone actually walks out of the house and files for divorce. When you promise "till death do us part," and your partner emotionally withdraws from you, then the decision to finally leave the relationship when you realize you're never getting your partner back does not mean that you take your marriage lightly.

Peace~
linz

--
A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail

[taln1rigr 0]

Wow, awesome advice ... from everyone including those who PM'd me.
I knew I'd find a few "pearls of wisdom" from those in this forum if I just asked. Thank-you.

You're right McDuck ... regardless of what I decide, it's the DOING that's going to be difficult. Committing myself to anything is gonna be full of pros & cons & will therefore be tough.

Thank-you kinney29 & wmw999 for suggesting counseling ... if we're going to make this work we'll need it since he doesn't open up & talk much.

Katzeye suggested a book (I love books on this subject ) from Dr. Laura called "Care and Feeding of Husbands." I'm currently reading a book from her now, "10 Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships" & she seems
very straight forward like Judge Judy or Judge Brown ... I like that. Thanks.

As far as the debate on whether one should stay or go based on sex (or the lack there of) ... ERAUSkydiver, I understand what you're trying to say & the values you believe in & I completely respect them, don't get me wrong, but PrairieDoug said it best in that "it reflects a disconnect at other levels." The biggest disconnect was his failure to communicate. I'm not one to leave at first sight of a problem & I wouldn't leave if it was just a lack of sex ... but if he's unwilling or can't identify the problem after 9 years & numerous heart to heart talks how can I be expected to help ... or stick around? Ematteo, Chachi & PrairieDoug are correct in that sex IS an integral, therefore important, part of the relationship ... it's not the most important ... but it is the largest, single thing that separates "my man" from all the rest I come in contact with on a daily basis.

Conclusion? It just so happens that talks of divorce finally forced him to open up (Thank God) & we've been able to identify some underlying causes for his behavior which revolve around his parent's divorce in which his mother left when he needed her the most & she was never able to explain to him why. Through reading "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix (strongly recommend) we understand my husband's subconscious has placed me in the roll of his mother in order to heal his childhood wounds. As you might expect it's deeply complicated & way too personal to discuss in a forum but now that we've made this discovery we can work on it ... which is what I've decided to do ... stay & work on it now that he's willing to help himself & us.

Thanks again for all your input ... it's given me something to chew on ... perspectives from a different direction. And probably what I was looking for the most ... some recommended reading ("Care and Feeding of Husbands.").

[misskriss 0]

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some recommended reading ("Care and Feeding of Husbands.").

Here's a brief summary of the book I'm sure this is wonderful for some women but Dr. Laura makes me cringe..

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The women who criticize their husbands in the stories that Schlessinger relates are depressed in their marriages and feel little love from their husbands. Unabashedly asserting that man is a "very simple creature," who needs only "direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good loving'" to respond with devotion, compassion and love, this controversial marriage and family therapist claims that every woman can achieve a deeply satisfying marriage if she adheres to certain fundamentals men require. Preparing dinner, caring for the children without complaint, greeting her husband with a kiss and engaging in sexual intimacy instead of "tearing down a husband's necessary sense of strength and importance" can result in the harmonious marriage women crave. While many of her listeners and readers claim her unequivocal advice has salvaged teetering marriages and improved marital harmony, others perceive Schlessinger as a throwback to what many see as years of female oppression in the home.

[Viking 0]

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very simple creature

Some men can be very simple minded. The term Hillbilly comes to mind. But there are also guys out there that are just as emotional and passionate about things as women. I hate it when feminists' lump all men into the stupid pile b/c of a few ignorant people.

Kriss i wasn't attacking you just venting.

I swear you must have footprints on the back of your helmet - chicagoskydiver
My God has a bigger dick than your god -George Carlin

[misskriss 0]

I know you weren't attacking me. Dr. Laura said it, not me.. I think it's a load of crap personally.

[JohnnyD 0]

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I know you weren't attacking me. Dr. Laura said it, not me.. I think it's a load of crap personally.

Beware. "Dr. Laura" is not a doctor in the sense of the word that most of us relate to. She has a Phd. in Physiology. Not exactly someone I'd seek out for counseling.

[misskriss 0]

Oh, I definitely agree with you. Someone had mentioned that they should read the book on this thread and I showed the summary to point out "Dr." Laura's insights into it all. Like I said... IMO, a load of crap.

[taln1rigr 0]

Thanks for the insight on this book.
From the summary you included it looks like it may not be the best book for my situation ... I've done all these things: "direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good loving."

Hmmmm, anyone know of any better relationship/psychology books out there?