boinky 0 #1 February 11, 2005 A lady named Myrtle walks into a Cadillac dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely car?" Still smling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna shit when you hear the price." Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #2 February 11, 2005 BBWWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!__________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 212 #3 February 11, 2005 Lady goe to the doc. She says she has a bad case of silent farts. Doc says - really? She says yeah - I just let out three while we have been talking. He says, Hmmmm, I see - then writes out two prescriptions for her - Confused - she asked him what the prescriptions were for - He said the first on is for an antacid, the second is for a hearing aid.I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #4 February 11, 2005 Your momma so stinky...when she passes by the toilet it flushes!!!__________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
livendive 8 #5 February 11, 2005 So there's this guy, Bob, who's a real nice guy, but has been plagued with constant gas his whole life. As you can imagine, he leads a pretty lonely existence well into young adulthood. But then a miracle happens...he meets this woman, Jenny, who can actually tolerate it. She gets past his farts and realizes what a wonderful man he is, and they fall in love. After several months, Jenny decides it's time for Bob to meet her family. Bob is very nervous about the prospect, as he wants to make a good impression and is afraid her parents just won't be as accepting of his problem as Jenny is. So, he doesn't eat anything for a full 24 hours beforehand, and buys new clothes that don't carry the odor of years of farts. The evening of the dinner, they show up at mom & dad's a little early. Jenny disappears into the kitchen to help mom with the preparations, and Bob stays in the living room with Jenny's dad and younger brother, watching football. Bob feels pretty good, with no particular urge to fart. Eventually, they sit down at the dinner table for their salads. At this point, Bob can feel something building a bit, but it's totally controllable. Unfortunately for him though, it keeps building, and by the time the main course is served, he's REALLY got to fart. Still, he's really embarassed about the whole thing, and doesn't want to excuse himself to the bathroom right in the middle of dinner. Suddenly, a small little girl fart escapes, and Jenny's mom looks down at him and says "spot." Bob wonders "What? Is this some odd family tradition to say 'spot' when someone farts?" But then he realizes the family dog is sitting under his chair...."Sweet!" he thinks, "She blamed it on the dog!" So he lets another one, this time a decent man fart...and of course Jenny's mom looks down the table toward him and says, "Spot!" Well, Bob figures just one more and he'll be set for the rest of the evening (or at least dinner), and flat out rips one...we're talking huge, loud, and disgusting. Mom looks down at him and says, with some urgency in her voice, "SPOT! Get over here before he shits on you!" Blues, Dave"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!" (drink Mountain Dew) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #6 February 11, 2005 A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there." "Ewwww! But what about the smell?" enquired the woman To which the man replied, "Just hold its nose."__________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 212 #7 February 11, 2005 LOLI'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
boinky 0 #8 February 11, 2005 EEEWWWIIEEEE!!!!Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
leroydb 0 #9 February 11, 2005 hahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaLeroy ..I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw my bath toys were a toaster and a radio... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #10 February 11, 2005 An older couple were having dinner in a nice restaurant. A a drunk diner approaches their table, farts loud and ugly and asks for a light. The older diner, in thorough disgust, tells the drunk; 'How dare you, pass-gas, before my wife!' The drunk says; 'I didn't know it was her turn!' Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #11 February 11, 2005 What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at the nursing home.__________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #12 February 12, 2005 This was taken from a different joke, but selective pastes in keeping with the theme... CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously "passing gas" while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING... CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a CUBE FARM, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on."Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
doddy 0 #13 February 12, 2005 Two girls are sitting at the bar...... G1- "its going to be a great night" G2- "why?" G1- " I can smell cock" G2- " Nah i just burped" A man who views the world at 50, the same as he did when he was 20, has wasted 30 yrs of his life. "Muhammad Ali" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
doddy 0 #14 February 12, 2005 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over who should go answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, wraps up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob, the next door neighbour," she replies. Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" A man who views the world at 50, the same as he did when he was 20, has wasted 30 yrs of his life. "Muhammad Ali" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
