Brain Cramps

[RkyMtnHigh 0]

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've ! lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


....Feeling smarter yet?

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[swedishcelt 0]

Yes thank you!! LOL

[Zee 0]

One of my favorites
Dan Quayle was at the Luis Munoz Rivera School in Trenton, New Jersey. He was there helping with a spelling bee. He asked a student to spell the word "potato." The student spelled the word correctly, then, Dan Quayle made him go back up to the board to add an "e" on the end of the word.

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[RkyMtnHigh 0]

Quote

One of my favorites
Dan Quayle was at the Luis Munoz Rivera School in Trenton, New Jersey. He was there helping with a spelling bee. He asked a student to spell the word "potato." The student spelled the word correctly, then, Dan Quayle made him go back up to the board to add an "e" on the end of the word.

That WAS classic

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[JohnMitchell 14]

LMAO- Thanks, you just made my day. go find some more . . . please.

• Quote

[Zee 0]

Here's the whole list of Dan's blunders:

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."
"If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"She was attracted to me by my intellectual curiosity."
"I did not know in 1969 that I would be in this room today, I'll confess." -- Senator Dan Quayle responding to questions in 1988 about allegations that he used family connections to get into the Indiana National Guard.
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
"I've been told to keep my remarks relatively brief. I understand Quayle-hunting season begins at noon."
"The [Democrats] talked about putting people first. Well, they put people first unless you happen to be a spotted owl or a giant garter snake or some other endangered species and then that seems to have priority. Obviously, you take the bald eagle and things of that sort, of course you're going to make sure that they are saved and that they can live and you're going to take every precaution that you can. But others -- we just need a little flexibility."
"Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists."
"If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime."
"I'm not going to focus on what I have done in the past what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people. The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I have done in the last 12 years in the Congress."
"I happen to be a Republican president -- ah, the vice president."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman."
Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of situations. And I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does that answer your question?" -- Senator Dan Quayle, when asked what he would do if he assumed the Presidency.
"I had not had that question before." -- Senator Dan Quayle explaining why, during the Bentsen debate, he couldn't say what he would do if he suddenly became president.
"Want to hear a sad story about the Dukakis campaign? The governor of Massachusetts, he lost his top naval advisor last week. His rubber ducky drowned in the bathtub."
"I'm going to be a vice president very much like George Bush was. He proved to be a very effective vice president, perhaps the most effective we've had in a couple of hundred years."
"I hope there's some respect and dignity for things I did not do."
"Let me say it one more time. It is ill-rel-e-vant." -- Senator Dan Quayle testily responding to repeated questions about his parents' involvement in the John Birch Society.
"Because. Because I say it isn't." -- Senator Dan Quayle explaining why questions about his parents' ties to the John Birch Society aren't relevant.
"That's solid. There, you see how much I learned." -- Vice President Dan Quayle when visiting a welding class at a vocational school in Union, Missouri. He welded two scraps of metal together to demonstrate how much he had learned while in the National Guard.
"Add one little bit on the end... Think of `potatoe', how's it spelled? You're right phonetically, but what else? There ya go... all right!" -- Vice President Dan Quayle correcting a student's correct spelling of the word `potato' during a spelling bee at an elementary school in Trenton.
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card. But as Mark Twain once said, `You should never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word'." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, actually quoting from President Andrew Jackson.
"I should have remembered that was Andrew Jackson who said that, since he got his nickname `Stonewall' by vetoing bills passed by Congress." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, confusing Andrew Jackson with Confederate General Thomas J. `Stonewall' Jackson, who actually got his nickname at the first Battle of Bull Run.
"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future."
"In George Bush you get experience, and with me you get -- The Future!"
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."
"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right."
"Okay, I won't open it until then." -- Vice President Dan Quayle after having been presented with an empty box that was to contain a gift from a sailing team in South America. He was told that the gift was not ready yet, but that it would be presented to him when they arrived in the United States.
"The other day [the President] said, I know you've had some rough times, and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility. [He paused, then said] Would you like a puppy?"
"Although in public I refer to him as Mr. Vice President, in private I call him George... When I talked to him on the phone yesterday. I called him George rather than Mr. Vice President. But, in public, it's Mr. Vice President, because that's who he is."
"They asked me to go in front of the Reagans. I'm not used to going in front of President Reagan, so we went out behind the Bushes."
"I'm the Vice-President. They know it, and they know that I know it."
"We are doing the right thing and we do not see the bad things."
"This president is going to lead us out of this recovery. It will happen." -- Vice President Dan Quayle at a campaign stop.
"If Ross Perot runs, that's good for us. If he doesn't run, it's good for us." [A reporter then asked him what he meant by that] "That's for you to figure out."
"I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"...Buzz Lukens took that fateful step..." -- Vice President Dan Quayle confusing the sexual assaulter/Congressman with Astronaut Buzz Aldrin.
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us men are tired of losing our women." -- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about breast cancer
"We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of human rights in accordance with the pursuit of Justice."
"El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a single voice."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"I'm ready." -- Vice President Dan Quayle describing his ability to take over the presidency after President Bush vomits and collapses in Tokyo
"I was known as the chief grave robber of my state."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

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[JohnMitchell 14]

Oh my god, now my side hurts. Stop it!

[KevinMcGuire 0]

I think it was Buddy Ryan who, when asked why his team was doing so poorly, responded by saying

"Well, right not our greatest weeknes if our lack of stregnth, but you should see some improvment as we get better."

[RkyMtnHigh 0]

Quote

I think it was Buddy Ryan who, when asked why his team was doing so poorly, responded by saying

"Well, right not our greatest weeknes if our lack of stregnth, but you should see some improvment as we get better."

...so we DO have comedians on here...keep em coming

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[Zee 0]

Stupid Comments Made During Athens Summer Olympics


1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

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