Monday Jokes

[DShiznit 0]

As a lady passed them on the street. They were going back and forth and the lady couldn't help but overhear them.

"It's W-H-O-M-B", the first one slurred.

"No, you idiot, it's W-O-O-M-B", yelled the second one, staggering.

The lady, trying to be helpful, approached and said, "Excuse me gentlemen, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I believe the correct spelling is
W-O-M-B."

One drunk looked at the other, then turned to the lady and said, "Look, Mrs. Knowitall, I doubt very seriously you've ever heard an elephant fart in a cave."

[DShiznit 0]

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[boinky 0]

Let's pick on a new state now!

Under Age


Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?

She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[aerohaga 0]

I love jokes!! Keep 'em coming!


Q. What's the difference between a King's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an orphan?

A. One's an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty,
But the sight of the stars makes me dream.
-Vincent Van Gogh

[DShiznit 0]

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later..

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

[DShiznit 0]

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After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[DShiznit 0]

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.

He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???

The nun giggles and replies, Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.

St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.

St Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis..

The nun is a little reluctant but reply's Well I once fondled and stroked one..

St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate...

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush???

The nun reply's If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!

[DShiznit 0]

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in
a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and YSL tie, leans out the
window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and
calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo
in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formula. He uploads all of this data
via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
respons! e. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy
and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will

[aerohaga 0]

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when
his wife walked up behind him and whacked him
on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she
replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura
Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he
explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have
known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV
when she walked up and hit him in the head again,
this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out
cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty,
But the sight of the stars makes me dream.
-Vincent Van Gogh

[DShiznit 0]

You haven't read all of the jokes in this thread yet....

[aerohaga 0]

A SKINNY LITTLE WHITE GUY

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The black guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 ft 2 inches tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The black guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What did you say to me again?"

The man says, "I saw the way you were looking at me so I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7' 2" tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The little guy says, "Turner Brown? Oh, thank God! I thought you said, 'turn around'!"

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty,
But the sight of the stars makes me dream.
-Vincent Van Gogh

[DTOXX 0]

Why don't polish girls use vibrators?



Chips their teeth..

-------
D.T. Holder
SIMstudy

[boinky 0]

A Really Bad Day

So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle!

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[BillyVance 34]

Quote

This one is for Billy!

A Cherry (Bomb) Of An Idea

ROFL... I'd seen this joke last week, but it was for a North Georgian mountain redneck... But what the hell, with some of the rednecks that live just outside the city limits of the town I live in, it could aptly describe some of them! Every year I pick up about 2 whole bags full of empty Natural Light beer cans along my 800 foot long road-front!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[Nutz 0]

Quote

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in
a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and YSL tie, leans out the
window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and
calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo
in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formula. He uploads all of this data
via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
respons! e. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy
and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will

May we have the rest of this, please??? While we wait :
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama? If it had been invented anywhere else it would be the teethbrush.

[DShiznit 0]

Quote

May we have the rest of this, please??? While we wait :

Sorry!

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in
a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and YSL tie, leans out the
window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and
calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo
in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formula. He uploads all of this data
via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
respons! e. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy
and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a democrat consultant" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to
a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business..........

Now give me back my dog...