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I don't know if it cause I am a native Texan or because I really hate Claifornia and miss Texas sooooo much, but this brought me to tears. So I thought I would share it with ya'll...since I am done having my fun with rufflling tail feathers....Well I am fixin' to cook my younguns some luch so enjoy...

Texans in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some

Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on

the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their

robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing

baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to

keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig

feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my

children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Hold on a minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm

back. Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said ,

"I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them Texans done put out

the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

Survivor Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its
own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in
travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to
Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to
Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads,
"I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

A Texas Soldier

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a

voice call from behind a sand dune,
"One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban soldiers!"

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune

whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then

silence. The voice then calls out,

"One Texas soldier is better than one hundred Taliban soldiers!

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune

and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again

silence. The Texan voice calls out again,

"One Texas soldier is better than one thousand Taliban soldiers!"

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them

across the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire ring out as a huge

battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over

the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!!"

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I'm a Texan, so here are some Texas facts ;):

Life is NOT like a box of chocolates.

Life is like a jar of jalapenos-

What you do today may burn your ass tomorrow.


Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
while ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
in Texas, Lord, you've put them all!!

But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.

HOLD IT.............there's ore.................

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home.

"I had a dude tip his black cowboy hat to me after I provided him with a condom outside my hotel room at 3-something in the morning." -myself

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