freeflygoddess 0 #1 July 29, 2005 I don't know if it cause I am a native Texan or because I really hate Claifornia and miss Texas sooooo much, but this brought me to tears. So I thought I would share it with ya'll...since I am done having my fun with rufflling tail feathers....Well I am fixin' to cook my younguns some luch so enjoy... Texans in Heaven Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing." The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said , "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Survivor Texas Style Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Texas Soldier A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune, "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban soldiers!" The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out, "One Texas soldier is better than one hundred Taliban soldiers! Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Texan voice calls out again, "One Texas soldier is better than one thousand Taliban soldiers!" The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
napaguy99 0 #2 August 1, 2005 Hilarious shyte. I'm just so proud that the proper form of "their", "they're" and "there" was used in the first joke. Don't mess with Texas!!!! "Let the misinterpretation and attacks begin." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
brits17 0 #3 August 1, 2005 Yee-fuckin-haw _______________________ aerialkinetics.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
popsjumper 2 #4 August 1, 2005 Must i repeat this again???? You can tell a Texan a mile away....get up close and you can't tell them shit. My reality and yours are quite different. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Merkur 1 #5 August 1, 2005 That's how they are!vSCR No.94 Don't dream your life - live your dream! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sharimcm 0 #6 August 1, 2005 I'm a Texan, so here are some Texas facts : Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. Life is like a jar of jalapenos- What you do today may burn your ass tomorrow. ________________________________________________ Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry. Please keep it cool in mid-July. Bless the walls where termites dine, while ants and roaches march in time. Bless our yard where spiders pass fire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to please carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas. Bless the love bugs, two by two, the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, in Texas, Lord, you've put them all!! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for insect spray. ****************** HOLD IT.............there's ore................. YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN AUGUST WHEN... The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the dogs. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You can make sun tea instantly. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. You discover you can get sunburned through your car window. You actually burn your hand opening the car door. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home. "I had a dude tip his black cowboy hat to me after I provided him with a condom outside my hotel room at 3-something in the morning." -myself Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
txojumps 0 #7 August 1, 2005 If you hate the Republic of Kalifornia so much, you need to move back to Texas! *************************************** Awright, guys, you don't have one, so don't act like one Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Diversgodown 0 #8 August 1, 2005 I love it. I just moved down to Dallas 5 months ago and feel right at home. I was Born in ElPaso but torn away at a tender age after living in Utah, AZ, IL, and CO, I think I finally made it home!!! ***Glory Favors the Bold*** Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
