waltappel 1 #1 December 30, 2005 Ok guys, we can't go to the Women Only forum and say our brilliant one-liners, so post your favorites here. My personal favorites came from others, but I was there to witness 'em. When I was a young kid, my father, brother and I were walking down the sidewalk in a small town in Kansas. Some guys were working down in a manhole. My father, with a completely straight face, looked down in the manhole and asked, "Catching anything?" Another came years later when a friend and I were walking down a side street in a border town. In the street there was a little kid taking a crap on a newspaper. It was one of those situations that absolutely begged for a smartass remark! My friend looked at me, shrugged, and said, "At least he's paper trained.". I just know you guys have some good ones. Post 'em!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dumpster 0 #2 December 30, 2005 My son told me a little story - My son's name is Esau. (Read your Bible-) It's his first year in the school he's in right now (8th grade-). Being the new kid, of course he's going to get picked on a bit. But he handles it well (he's switched schools a few times). So one kid starts in, and says "Esau, isn't that a girl's name?" Esau's reply - "No, it goes both ways - Just like your Dad." I just about died laughing!! Easy Does It Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #3 December 30, 2005 QuoteMy son told me a little story - My son's name is Esau. (Read your Bible-) It's his first year in the school he's in right now (8th grade-). Being the new kid, of course he's going to get picked on a bit. But he handles it well (he's switched schools a few times). So one kid starts in, and says "Esau, isn't that a girl's name?" Esau's reply - "No, it goes both ways - Just like your Dad." I just about died laughing!! He's gonna be one hell of a wiseass when he grows up! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dumpster 0 #4 December 30, 2005 He already is! Easy Does It Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ccowden 0 #5 December 30, 2005 When I was like 22 years old, I was out at a bar and decided to take a shot at a girl who I really wasn't interested in, but I was pretty drunk and it sounded like fun. She was the type of girl that guys didn't want to approach because she was so hot and would have no trouble telling you to take a hike. You know, that girl who thought she was above everyone and was God's gift to men. I walked up to her at the bar, she turned and looked at me and immediately turned her nose up and gave me the "Oh please" look. So I just smiled and ordered a drink. I purposely waited until I got her attention again, she was now almost disgusted that I was still there, and said, "Oh I am so sorry. How rude of me. Can I buy you a drink?" She reacted exactly how I thought she would and immediately switched on her diva mode to burn me and make me look stupid. She gave me that "Honey, please!" look again, looked me up and down, then looked down at my crotch area and said, "With something THAT small, you shouldn't be asking for ANYTHING." Now, this in itself was a pretty good line, and I am sure she had used it many times before to send guys away licking their wounds, but I just looked at her and smiled as she waited for my reaction of embarrassment and humiliation. What she got was this.... "I bet if I put it in your mouth, you couldn't tell me to take it out." Her jaw dropped open in disbelief and everyone within earshot errupted in laughter. She was horrified. I picked up my drink and walked away. It was pretty funny. I can't take full credit for that line, and I don't remember where I heard it, but it certainly worked well! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #6 December 30, 2005 I am bowing three times in your direction. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
aprilcat 0 #7 December 30, 2005 Bravo!!! I think you retired her line!~~April Camelot II, the Electric Boogaloo! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
aprilcat 0 #8 December 30, 2005 Another Bravo!! I met a man in the park with a baby named Silas. Before I thought of what I was saying..it slipped out: He's going to be a STRONG guy..~~April Camelot II, the Electric Boogaloo! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
McDuck 0 #9 December 30, 2005 Chris is my hero of the moment. Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28 "I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RhondaLea 3 #10 December 30, 2005 QuoteChris is my hero of the moment. Mine too. I'm totally disgusted. I can't believe there are women who act that way. rlIf you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #11 December 30, 2005 QuoteQuoteChris is my hero of the moment. Mine too. I'm totally disgusted. I can't believe there are women who act that way. rl It's ok. Chris proved that sometimes, there really is balance and justice in the universe. Oh, and the universe also has some GREAT opportunities to laugh! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
aprilcat 0 #12 December 30, 2005 I'm totally disgusted. I can't believe there are women who act that way. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I thought that for a minute it was a bit extreme, but then if you factor in the place and some liquor....I doubt that she walks thru life acting like THAT 24/7, but figured I've seen that face when someone poured liquor into the business end of a BUTTHEAD. Heh. I would have loved to see her jaw drop. How proper!~~April Camelot II, the Electric Boogaloo! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ccowden 0 #13 December 30, 2005 Yup- it was pretty priceless! She had absolutely NO idea what to do. And it served her right, since I am sure she got a real kick out of making guys look stupid. She and her friends didn't stay long after that. Probably on to the next bar to build their egos back up. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bigern13 0 #14 December 30, 2005 Me and some friends were at a club a few years back and we saw this woman that we recognized from high school. She was the "Gods gift to men" prom queen dont talk to me you dork type and by the look of her and her friends, she had only gotten worse. Of course one of my friends started the whole "I bet none of you can get her to dance with you" Well the bet was on. I said "I bet if I dont dance with her I will at least get her full and undivided attention". Keep in mind its a club and its loud: ME- "You wanna dance?" HER- (Snobby look) "Ummm... NO." ME- "No? No what" Her- "NO, I DONT WANT TO DANCE WITH YOU!" ME- "Oh I am sorry you must have misunderstood, I said you look fat in them pants!" I know, not as good as ccowdens "..put it int your mouth.." but the look on her face was great. "I love 'lamp'." -SKYMAMA Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
markd_nscr986 0 #15 December 30, 2005 A long time ago.........in a galaxy far,far away.......... A friend of mine was walking to class from our house...........a young man in a trench coat approached her and flashed her............expecting shock and horror/fear he was met by laughter & giggling and in a very loud voice"It looks like a penis..........only smaller"..........needless to say the embarrassed shocked flasher turned tail and disappeared........ Hope always kept her wits about her in challenging situationsMarc SCR 6046 SCS 3004 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
McDuck 0 #16 December 30, 2005 That one seems to be fairly common. I've heard that same story recounted many times over the years.Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28 "I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bigern13 0 #17 December 30, 2005 Yeah needless to say it was not by any means mine originally. I heard it a few times used before me and I have since heard it a bunch after. But it works. "I love 'lamp'." -SKYMAMA Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NateC 0 #18 December 30, 2005 A few years back I used to work in an open plan office with everyone. Anyway my mums cat was giving birth that day and she was worried that it would be a big litter so she asked me if I could see if anyone wanted one. So I turned round and said "Hey, anyone want a kitten?". The girl next to me turned to me and asked "What are they?". "They're baby cats!!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freefal 0 #19 December 30, 2005 This is my best one-liner that never was... A few years ago I had new tires put on my Z (Oh, how I miss that car). Since it had aluminum wheels they told me I had to come back the next day to have the lug nuts retorqued after I drove around for a bit. I arrived the next day to find a few other people in the waiting room and a guy behind the counter flipping through a manual or something. Thinking I had the best one-liner set up ever, I strolled up to the counter and with a sly smile announced loud and clear, "I'm here to get my nuts torqued." But I got nuthing! Not even a raised eyebrown or a small laugh. The people in the waiting room didn't even look up from their magazines! I was left there with this look on my face as if to say, "C'mon, you gotta laugh at that!" Oh well, I still thought it was funny! "Ignorance is bliss" and "Patience is a virtue"... So if you're stupid and don't mind waiting around for a while, I guess you can have a pretty good life! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #20 December 30, 2005 Quote... with a sly smile announced loud and clear, "I'm here to get my nuts torqued." Had I been there, I would have applauded. Even if it was just me, I'd have given you a standing ovation. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lindercles 0 #21 December 30, 2005 Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called, and they're running out of YOU! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lisamariewillbe 1 #22 December 30, 2005 you were a load your mother should have swallowedSudsy Fist: i don't think i'd ever say this Sudsy Fist: but you're looking damn sudsydoable in this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
livendive 8 #23 December 30, 2005 Not exactly a one-liner, but one of my favorites anyhow. A guy who's done video on my tandems for a few years now decided he wanted to get his rating. Understand that having worked together, we had the standard set-ups and jokes between us for the tandem students. This is important...if you don't know the standard TM/vidiot jokes, the story will make no sense. Anyhow, after doing his solo and his front-side, my friend took me up on a tandem. I ended up having to pull for him. We had a talk, but he's been around long enough to know just how serious that was without much input from me, so after going over the chain of events, I left him to stew. That night, a bunch of us jumpers made it out to a bar. Most of us were whooping it up, having a blast, but my friend had the hang-dog look on his face of a guy who's just found out his wife is screwing his best friend. I noticed it had been several hours and said "Hey man, lighten up. We'll go back up tomorrow and try it again." He said, "Dave, I just can't believe it went down like that. I could have killed both of us. I think I should go back up and do another dozen solos on a tandem rig before trying it with a passenger again." I thought a moment and then said, "Uhh, that might not be such a great idea. You know....you might need me again." It was a VERY pregnant pause, as I watched his jaw dropping, and then I delivered the killing blow, "But...if you do ok on this one, maybe next time I'll let you go by yourself!" Words cannot adequately describe his response. Blues, Dave"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!" (drink Mountain Dew) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #24 December 30, 2005 You, sir, are a true badass. You are to be feared!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AlexCrowley 0 #25 December 30, 2005 "Its rather I have extreme contempt for you...as well as contempt for the meaningless drivel you post. " Sorry, it kills me. TV's got them images, TV's got them all, nothing's shocking. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
