LisaH 0 #1 February 6, 2007 Sorry if this is a repost If you're not familiar with the works of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!" His mind tends to see things a bit differently from the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his gems: 1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 3- Half the people you know are below average. 4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. 10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 12- OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good. 20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.Be yourself! MooOOooOoo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skinnyshrek 0 #2 February 6, 2007 30. if a bet is made on super bowl it is non voidhttp://www.skydivethefarm.com do you realize that when you critisize people you dont know over the internet, you become part of a growing society of twats? ARE YOU ONE OF THEM? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LisaH 0 #3 February 6, 2007 Quote30. if a bet is made on super bowl it is non void I don't think so hun...good try Be yourself! MooOOooOoo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ryoder 1,400 #4 February 6, 2007 QuoteSome people are scared of heights, but I'm scared of widths. I always loved his dry delivery. He was the voice of the DJ in the movie "Reservoir Dogs"."There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Grips 0 #5 February 6, 2007 I love Steven Wright! I've been a fan of his since high school. I saw him a couple years ago at the Perth Concert Hall, a dream come true! Hers a few more: "I was driving on the highway and saw a sign that said `Next Rest Stop 25 Miles,' and I thought to myself `Wow that's big.'" I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a man who had wooden legs and real feet. The other day I bought powdered water......but I don't know what to add. Why is the alphabet in that order......is it cause of that song.....man who wrote that song wrote everything......(guy cracks me up) **GENIUS** What is the speed of dark? I was walking down the street with my old prescription glasses when the prescription ran out. I put spot remover on my dog....now I cant find her (CLASSIC!!!!) If you were travelling at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would anything happen? Sponges grow in the ocean... That kills me. Did you ever wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. **GENIUS** If you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer? ever be leaning back on a chair and you start to fall backwards but you catch yourself just at the last second? i feel like that all the time. "I wish the first word I ever said was 'quote' so right before I died I could say 'unquote" "My father used to say to me, 'How old are you?' 'Five' 'When I was your age, I was six'" "I have a collection of seashells scattered all over the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it." I lost a button hole . . . Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LisaH 0 #6 February 6, 2007 I lost a button hole . . . My favorite Be yourself! MooOOooOoo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
livendive 8 #7 February 6, 2007 QuoteQuote30. if a bet is made on super bowl it is non void I don't think so hun...good try Lee took the fucking Bears??!! Blues, Dave"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!" (drink Mountain Dew) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nanook 1 #8 February 6, 2007 Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" "I have a map of the United States. it is a one-to-one scale."_____________________________ "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bluheelrtx 0 #9 February 6, 2007 Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. I named my dog Stay. It was a lot of fun when he was younger. Here, Stay. Here, Stay. He's a lot smarter now. Now he just ignores me and keeps on typing. The other day I took my dog for a walk around the building . . . on the ledge.-- Jason -- Some people never go crazy. What truly boring lives they must lead. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LisaH 0 #10 February 6, 2007 QuoteQuoteQuote30. if a bet is made on super bowl it is non void I don't think so hun...good try Lee took the fucking Bears??!! Blues, Dave Yes, yes he did. He owes me a jump ticket now Be yourself! MooOOooOoo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
klingeme 0 #11 February 6, 2007 My Favorite "I bought a cordless extension cord" Mark Klingelhoefer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Grips 0 #12 February 6, 2007 Another one of my personal favorites. I laughed out louds for days after hearing this: "I bought a decaffeinated coffee table the other day...you can't even tell." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lindercles 0 #13 February 6, 2007 QuoteQuote30. if a bet is made on super bowl it is non void I don't think so hun...good try So he just claimed the bet was non void. Then you said no, thus making it void. So by your own insistance, you just voided the bed. He doesn't owe you anything. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LisaH 0 #14 February 6, 2007 QuoteQuoteQuote30. if a bet is made on super bowl it is non void I don't think so hun...good try So he just claimed the bet was non void. Then you said no, thus making it void. So by your own insistance, you just voided the bed. He doesn't owe you anything. DOH! Thanks for bringing that to my attention Be yourself! MooOOooOoo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lastchance 0 #15 February 6, 2007 I like to pick up hitch-hikers then tell them " put on their seatbelts. I seen this in a cartoon once but I think I can do it." I may be getting old but I got to see all the cool bands. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #16 February 7, 2007 Quote If you were travelling at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would anything happen? The headlights would be shining, but the gravity of the universe would cause the light to bend. At that speed, it would go around the universe and bend enough to be shining on the rear bumper of your car. You'd be honking your horn and tailgating some butthead who wouldn't get out of your lane. Since this would only infuriate you, I recommend driving only 90% of the speed of light. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
