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Shell666

New Rules for Life

By Shell666, in The Bonfire

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Shell666    0

Shell666
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:
Stop jacking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were hoping to goodness you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

:D
'Shell
'Shell

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kbordson    8

kbordson
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New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.



Amen brother! Down w/ the monobrow!



Umm.... are you agreeing or not? "Amen" to the leave them alone, or "down w/ the monobrow"
Boys are so confusing!!!!:S

k.:P

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JohnMitchell    14

JohnMitchell
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Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli."

In downtown Seattle we saw some guy with some characters tatted on the neck. Our Japanese exchange students were laughing behind his back, because they said it was "Drunkard."

But then again, maybe he meant that.:S

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Elisha    1

Elisha
Quote


New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.



Totally agree. If < 1 yr, then Months, else years (no, I'm not a programmer and don't know how to do it that well even if I can read some VBA/SQL or whatever). 1.5 is fine if the kid is near that, but >=2 just tell us whole numbers.

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Elisha    1

Elisha
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New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.



Totally agree. If < 1 yr, then Months, else years (no, I'm not a programmer and don't know how to do it that well even if I can read some VBA/SQL or whatever). 1.5 is fine if the kid is near that, but >=2 just tell us whole numbers.



Oh, and this goes doubly for pregnant women and "weeks". Just tell us the nearest month! We don't know WTF weeks is supposed to mean!

Quote

Ahhh, pluck them, but not to within an inch of their life! Don't leave a thin line of hairs and then pencil in where the eyebrow used to be. That's just too weird looking.



Exactly. Mexican chicks tend to do this -stop it!

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Stumpy    256

Stumpy
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New Rule:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.



I so agree - this is the most annoying thing ever - and then they expect you to give them money!!!! >:(
Never try to eat more than you can lift

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BellyFlailer    0

BellyFlailer
I don't know where to start, that's the funniest thing I've heard/read in a long time. You're very funny for a Canadian.

Where were the ho teachers when I was twelve, yes they are soft drinks, starbucks sucks balls, ect. ect..

Stop wasting your time amusing us for free and do some standup, most of the comics I see on tv suck.

http://www.SkydiveVids.com

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sinker    0

sinker
Umm.... are you agreeing or not? "Amen" to the leave them alone, or "down w/ the monobrow"
Boys are so confusing!!!!:S

k.:P



???

I said down w' the monobrow... the new rule was as long as girls have TWO brows, we're cool... we're cool...

-the artist formerly known as sinker

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Misslmperfect    0

Misslmperfect
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New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.



does "iced quad grande nonfat caramel macchiato" count? if so, then im sooooooo guilty[:/]:P

oh, and i get my eyebrows threaded too...but not "within an inch of their lives" (yes, i have 2!!):P am i still ok?
Oh Canada, merci pour la livraison!



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kbordson    8

kbordson
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Umm.... are you agreeing or not? "Amen" to the leave them alone, or "down w/ the monobrow"
Boys are so confusing!!!!:S

k.:P



???

I said down w' the monobrow... the new rule was as long as girls have TWO brows, we're cool... we're cool...



OK... you're agreeing, but not. and we should pluck them, as long as it doesn't look like they're plucked? The "natural plucked eyebrow look"?:P

(sorry...but boys are quite confusing.)

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sinker    0

sinker
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Quote



Umm.... are you agreeing or not? "Amen" to the leave them alone, or "down w/ the monobrow"
Boys are so confusing!!!!:S

k.:P



???

I said down w' the monobrow... the new rule was as long as girls have TWO brows, we're cool... we're cool...



OK... you're agreeing, but not. and we should pluck them, as long as it doesn't look like they're plucked? The "natural plucked eyebrow look"?:P

(sorry...but boys are quite confusing.)



you make a convincing case for all men to be gay... women are just too difficult;)

but i see your point... and, being a simple minded homosapien w/ a penis, I should've been more clear...

IF you have TWO eyebrows, just leave 'em the fuck alone.

IF you have ONE eybrow, weedwack that shit and make TWO out of it.

clear now sweetie? :)

-the artist formerly known as sinker

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sinker    0

sinker
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weedwack



Isnt that what you were saying your wife should do




*Ducks and run*



you can run but you can't hide! (As soon as I posted that, I thought oh fuck... lisamarie is gonna see that, or sudsy or beth, and I'm screwed!!!)

note to the masses: wifey does not have a monobrow. and that's all i'm saying...

-the artist formerly known as sinker

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sinker    0

sinker
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Girl, you're crazy! what are YOU talking about?!?



jeesh cant I just tell you I love you to without you going all weirdo



I'm only going weirdo that it's "i love you TOO," not "i love you TO"... that could be I love you to the moon, to the gas station, to the wooden spoon shop, etc.

-the artist formerly known as sinker

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