d_squared431 0 #1 October 31, 2009 Q:What store do dogs not go to? A:The flea market... Q:Why dont ducks tell jokes while they are flying? A: because they would quack up... Q:Why did the baby ghost cry? A: because it has a boo-boo Q: How did the bones cross the street? A: They didn't the dog ate them.. Q: What did the fan say to the other fan? A:You blow me away... Q:What did the hot dag say when he won the contest? A: Im the weiner Q: Why did the spider log onto the computer? A: He wanted to go to his web-site Q:What did the one penny say to the other? A: Lets get together and make some cents.. Q: What do you call twin brothers? A: A sun set Q: What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? A: doyouthinkhesaurusTPM Sister#130ONTIG#1 I love vodka.I love vodka cause it rhymes with Tuaca~LisaH You having a clean thought is like billyvance having a clean post.iluvtofly Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LisaH 0 #2 October 31, 2009 You're really bored aren't you? Be yourself! MooOOooOoo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
xtravrtsoul 0 #3 October 31, 2009 Here is a cute one: Two Large Plastic Garbage Bags A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me." "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.… So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'. "Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know-------not everybody pays".You create life, life does not create you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
xtravrtsoul 0 #4 October 31, 2009 My 1 day of Employment So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.You create life, life does not create you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
d_squared431 0 #5 October 31, 2009 The 8yr old is sick and bored so he was reading jokes to me. I thought I would share them with all of you.. TPM Sister#130ONTIG#1 I love vodka.I love vodka cause it rhymes with Tuaca~LisaH You having a clean thought is like billyvance having a clean post.iluvtofly Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
silent_pumpkin 0 #6 October 31, 2009 Why you never question a drunk (mass e-mail): I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
davjohns 1 #7 October 31, 2009 Summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet.. But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MikeJD 0 #8 October 31, 2009 Hey! You're not supposed to pull those crackers before Christmas! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 6 #9 October 31, 2009 This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?' ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #10 October 31, 2009 Here's a halloween joke for you: Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 6 #11 October 31, 2009 pull yer pants up, your crack is showin'! ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FlyingJ 0 #12 October 31, 2009 QuoteWhy you never question a drunk (mass e-mail): I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: ... I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I thought this was pretty funny so I copied and texted it to a bunch of friends and family. Well in addition to the joke itself they've had a grand ole time inquiring about the "mr. right" I mention that I havyet to find. Note to self...consider slightly editing content in the future before sending!Killing threads since 2004. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
silent_pumpkin 0 #13 October 31, 2009 Too funny! This was from a mass e-mail forward that a relative sent me...probably could edit it in the third-person to avoid ownership fallout. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Niki1 1 #14 November 1, 2009 A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands'. The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done. Louis D Brandeis Where are we going and why are we in this basket? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
