TheBile

...........after reading this, you will be too. Transcript of one of the worlds worst AFF Level 1 skydives. The Cast. PJM - Primary Jumpmaster SJM - Secondary Jumpmaster AFF - Student Radio - As himself PJM: "Hoohhh ! Are you ready to skydive ?" AFF: "Does a hobby horse have a wooden dick ?" PJM: "This is your last chance. Are you ready to skydive." AFF: "Alright then." PJM: "Put your feet out after me." AFF: "Check In....." SJM: "OK" AFF: "Are you sure ? Yeah ? OK, good. Check Out......." PJM: "OK" AFF: "Up, Down, Up, Down ....... Up Down Arch !" HARM check AFF: "Ground : Shiiiiiiiiit ! Altitude : Shiiiiit !" AFF to PJM: "12,000ft ?" AFF to SJM: "12,500ft ?" PRCT's AFF: "Reach, Touch..............Damn, where is it !........Ah ! Touch, Recover !" AFF: "Reach, Touch, Recover !" PJM gives the signal for another PRCT. AFF: Really ? Gee thanks. I thought I was doing crap ! PJM Gives the signal to Arch AFF: "I know. I really AM flying." SJM gives signal to straighten legs. AFF: "Well screw you too !" PJM gives the signal tp pull AFF: "Damn. Can't we stay up here a little longer ?" PJM enforces the signal to pull. AFF: Okay, Okay ! Reach, Touch...........Damn, I still can't find.......ah, there it is. Pull !" AFF: "1000 - 2000 - 3000 - 3001 - 3002 - 3003 - 3004 - 4000 - Check Canopy ! Yep ! Plenty of foliage down there." AFF: "Release Toggles. Check left turn......OK ! Check right turn.......OK ! Check Reverse.....Damn, how did he say I should do that ?" Radio : .....CACKLE.....HSSSS......"OK No.2. Open and close your legs twice if you can hear me" AFF: "Okay..........Aggghh, my balls !" Radio : "Good. Keep making those left and right turns down to 1000 to stay inside your 'play area'." AFF: ".......Agggh.....Oooohhhhh......." FINAL APPROACH Radio: "Left toggle just a bit, Left toggle just a bit, Right toggle just a bit......." AFF: Alright Alright. Lay off will ya ! Jesus ! Radio: "Left toggle just a bit. Ok Full Drive, Full Drive, Full Drive..... AFF: "I'm Drivin' ! I'm Drivin' !'" Radio: "FLARE !" AFF: Sorry, What did you saUGGGHHH ! ! ! Gerb I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !

You should try the real thing. It's like shagging a jumper. (And no, I'm not referring to a Female Skydiver !) Gerb I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !

Less than 24 hours and I have some good advice. I knew I could rely on you lot. Comments: 1) My primary goal, based on general consensus, will be to relax. I will also be practising the other pieces of advice received. 2) It's good to know that problems like this are common. I used to think I was just crap at it. 3) Michele - Your articulation was perfect. 4) Looks like I'll be taking up yoga during the Winter months. Cheers everyone. Gerb I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !

I know what you mean. From a financial point of view I had to decide what I wanted more : A new car, a new relationship or an AFF course. I chose the latter because A) It's less expensive than the other two. B) It's not as noisy. C) It's less likely to kill you.

I did consider it but my budget wouldn't stretch to going abroad. Your right about the UK weather. I have a 2 hour trip to the nearest centre that offers AFF lessons. The first two weekends I went up there I couldn't jump because the weather wasn't suitable. It was only on the third weekend I managed to do my first jump. UK Weather is temperamental by design, which is why they call it Mother nature ! Gerb I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !

Think of it this way. If you have a messy and painful landing after a good jump your not going to give up skydiving, are you ? No ! Ok, so you may curse and swear on your way to the ER, but you know that your going back up there as soon as your fit again, and you certainly look fit to me. Don't give up on relationships, just give up on those jerks who don't know how lucky they are. Gerb I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !

I have finished my second attempt at AFF Level 3 and I still have a stability problem. On the first attempt I was having major problems with my legs as I was to discover in the debriefing. Up there though I felt so unstable and I was rocking about all over the place whilst turning to the left. I couldn’t understand why. I knew it had something to do with my arch but my mind kind of lost awareness of my leg position. This instability seemed to get worse and, although I arched as best as I could, I started to rely on the Jumpmasters to keep me stable. I felt relief when the altimeter reached 6,000ft and pulled my main. On the second attempt I had solved the rotational problem and I was stable enough following the release of the Secondary JM, but as soon as the Primary JM let go, I backslid away from him due to bad knee position. (My heels were too close to my butt). He then caught up with me and grabbed hold of my arm to stabilise me. (He grabbed the arm because it was the only part of me he could reach due to the relative velocity.) This is when things started to get a little hairy. As much as I tried to put the arch on, I couldn't get stable. I seemed to adopt a flat spin which wouldn't stop no matter how much I tried to arch. I checked the altimeter which was 500ft (3 secs) away from the hard deck of 5500ft and I made the decision to pull. Unfortunately the instructor still had a hold of my arm so I couldn't. A second or so after that I felt the G's kick in and saw the instructor fall away from me. I realised that he had pulled my ripcord. The chute opened with no problems and I drifted down safely. This jump knocked my confidence a bit, so I was surprised when the instructor said he would clear me for Level 4. He says it's just a case of needing practice and developing the muscle memory, but personally I would prefer to nail the problem before going back up there for Level 4. In a dirt dive I am told that my leg position is OK and should be good enough for a stable fall, but I'm having difficulty translating that to freefall. I feel the reason is because on the ground my leg muscles are pulling against gravity, but up there they are pushing against the 120mph relative wind. Due to deteriorating weather conditions I have some considerable time before my next jump. Any advice or comment from you guys in the meantime would be appreciated. Be advised that we don't have any wind tunnels in this country which I feel would be my best course of action. Cheers Gerb I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !