nice joke

[busaunit 0]

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he dropped in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".



So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy".



One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy."



"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."



A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."



"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."



The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.



"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"



Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a “friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."



"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"



"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[skycop 0]

Wow,
Not even worth a response,(but I guess I did)

"Just 'cause I'm simple, don't mean I'm stewpid!"

[Pendejo 0]

I'm not normally a President Bush basher but god that was funny.

Pendejo

He who swoops the ditch and does not get out buys the BEER!!

[valcore 0]

You've probably already heard this one but I'll tell it any way.

Tiger Woods, President Clinton, Hillary Clinton, President Bush and a little boy named Timmy are all flying together on a plane. All of a sudden there is an Aircraft emergency that requires the passengers to bail out.

The only problem is that there are 4 parachutes and 5 passengers.

Well Tiger Woods stands up and says "I am the Greatest Golfer to ever live, and America would be a sad place with out me", so he grabs a chute and jumps out.

Next President Clinton stands up and says that "I am the best President there ever was, and America still needs me." So he grabs a chute and jumps out.

The Hillary Clinton stands up and says, "I am a senator who will be the first woman President of the United States, and I am also possibly the smartest woman alive." So she grabs a chute and jumps out.

At this point President Bush looks at Timmy and says, "son I have had a great life, I have faith in God and can die happy knowing that I have done my best, you can take the last chute."

Timmy looks at the President and say, "Its ok Mr. President the smartest woman alive took my backpack."

The most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I'm from the government and I'm here to help’. ~Ronald Reagan

30,000,000 legal firearm owners killed no one yesterday.

[valcore 0]

hmmm well I was kinda thinking other peoples would share jokes here...............

The most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I'm from the government and I'm here to help’. ~Ronald Reagan

30,000,000 legal firearm owners killed no one yesterday.

[tso-d_chris 0]

Quote

hmmm well I was kinda thinking other peoples would share jokes here......

The Bush Stamp

The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

3) People are spitting on the wrong side


-------------------------------


Bush's Propaganda Tour

During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?


----------------------




Show and Tell

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so he teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[ViperPilot 0]

Quote

hmmm well I was kinda thinking other peoples would share jokes here...............

Kerry and Edwards are taking a stroll around Capitol Hill when he meets a little girl carrying a small basket with a blanket over it.
Curiously, Kerry asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"

She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him.

"How nice" says Kerry. "What kind are they?"

The little girl says, "Democrats."

Kerry smiles and pats the little girl on the head, and they continue on.

About three weeks later, Kerry, walking around Capitol Hill with another Congressional colleague, sees the same little girl again with the same basket.

Kerry says to his colleague, "Watch this; it's very cute". As they
approach the little girl. Kerry asks the girl, "How are the kittens?"

She says, "Fine."

He then asks, "Again, what kind of kittens are they?"

This time she replies, "Republicans."

Somewhat abashed, Kerry says, "Three weeks ago you said they were Democrats!"

"I know," she says, "But now their eyes are open."

[tso-d_chris 0]

Not really a joke, but it came attached to an email, so I figured this was the thread to post it on.

So where do you stand morally?

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will
have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give full consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in New Orleans.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe
flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo journalist
working
for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the
middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
under the

water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life,
trying not

to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man
looks
familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the President, George W.
Bush.

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take
him
under forever. You have two options- you can save the life of the
President,

or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting
the
death of one of the world's most famous men.

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......







Would you use high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic
simplicity of black and white?

[valcore 0]

Save his life, doesn't matter that it is the President.

I really dislike some of the press people they get their priorities mixed up.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I'm from the government and I'm here to help’. ~Ronald Reagan

30,000,000 legal firearm owners killed no one yesterday.

[mr2mk1g 10]

sure... but... that's not actually that funny.

[valcore 0]

ok so this might help

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Post this list on Dropzone.com

The most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I'm from the government and I'm here to help’. ~Ronald Reagan

30,000,000 legal firearm owners killed no one yesterday.

[valcore 0]

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I'm from the government and I'm here to help’. ~Ronald Reagan

30,000,000 legal firearm owners killed no one yesterday.

[Stumpy 256]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'



"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"



His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

.

.







.

.

.

.











.

"How many is a Brazillion?"

Never try to eat more than you can lift

[Stumpy 256]

oops, just saw that posted in bonfire already

Never try to eat more than you can lift

[AlexCrowley 0]

Damn....I do a not insignificant amount of those already...

TV's got them images, TV's got them all, nothing's shocking.

[jshatzkin 0]

I couldn't have said it better myself!

• Quote

[Jimbo 0]

Quote

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

Hmm. Interesting.

Alex, you're not the only one. Revel in it.

-
Jim

"Like" - The modern day comma
Good bye, my friends. You are missed.

[valcore 0]

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day


10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I'm from the government and I'm here to help’. ~Ronald Reagan

30,000,000 legal firearm owners killed no one yesterday.

[valcore 0]

And the other side..........


what women would do if they had a penis for a day


10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

The most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I'm from the government and I'm here to help’. ~Ronald Reagan

30,000,000 legal firearm owners killed no one yesterday.